Monday, September 24, 2012

In the Midst of All That is Broken...

I stood there, at her kitchen window, watching ducks feed in the pond next to her house, and I cried. Not the kind of tears that leak out of your eyes in church when a hymn that speaks to your heart is sang, or the kind that sneak out when a sad moment in a movie gets the best of you. The kind of tears that come from the very depth of your soul. The ones that have you sobbing so loud you think that you might never stop crying. The ones that leave your eyes puffy and red, and your chest painful from heaving. The kind of crying that comes from a heart so broken, it feels like it might never be whole again. I stood there, alone in the kitchen, and let the pain pour out of me like water from the faucet I was in front of.

After half a month of heartache, with only a few good days sprinkled in, it was more than I could contain anymore. In the walls of my own home, I had to be brave. I had to keep it together for them. Some days I cried in the quiet corners of the school, when I had an extra few minutes and it was all too much to handle, but I'd gotten good at holding it together. On that day, after mass was over, and lunch was had, I threw a few things into a bag, and I left. She was away on vacation and her house is always open to me. She is the kind of friend who, when you txt to let her know you are going to be there, sends you the information on where the wireless access code is and hopes you are OK. As I stood in the quiet safety of her kitchen, glad that she was away so that I didn't have to explain anything to anyone, I let myself fall apart. All the pain and heartbreak that was bottling up inside came pouring out like a fine champagne that has been uncorked.

I returned that day in time for dinner, like I had told him I would. He told me later on that he didn't think I was coming back. We didn't speak much for the next five days, aside from information that needed to be exchanged or snappy side comments that were really unnecessary. He was truly awful, and for the first time in a long time, I wondered if we were going to survive through this. For the second time this month, I left my bedroom and slept on an air mattress in my craft room. The first time was for ten days. This time, it was 5. All of this by the 21st of the month. I was feeling broken and defeated with each day that passed. Each night found me crying myself to sleep, sad and lonely, but unable to reach out and tell him. Each day, I awoke, wanting this to end. Wanting to say something that would start the healing process, and bring us back together. He, however, was "hell bent on being an asshole," as he later told me.

Thursday came, and his footsteps going to bed woke me from my sleep. I listened to him, as he walked across our bedroom, turning down the bed, and getting his clothes ready for the next day. My heart ached as I longed to be there, missing his arms around me, and the comfort of his presence. I sent him a message on his iPad, that simply read, "I miss you," not sure if he would get it then, or the next day. I sobbed again that night, as I had in front of the kitchen window, long after everyone else in the house was asleep. I wondered if perhaps all these months were for nothing, and if we really weren't going to make it. I had told him earlier in the month that I wasn't planning on leaving. If not for him, as I was mad that day, than for the kids. I started to wonder how two people could live in the same house, miserable and unhappy and not have it effect their kids. I fell asleep crying and defeated.

Friday afternoon, after a long week of not sleeping well, and mental exhaustion, I crawled into my make-shift bed after school with a book I am reading called "Broken into Beautiful", and promptly fell asleep. Some time later, I awoke to feel him lying there next to me, his arms around me, and his head resting against mine. To make a long conversation short,  he was there to say he was sorry. To try and make amends for how awful he had treated me all week and to ask for my forgiveness. As I lie there, listening, asking, and crying, I felt the quiet voice of God telling me to let it go. To not lash back in anger, or hurt, and to just listen, ask the questions that needed to be asked, share the things that needed to be shared, and then to forgive him. So I did.

We've had a few more heart felt conversations since then. Mostly in the dark, as we are getting ready to sleep, because it's safer. I wear my emotions like a banner for the whole world to see, and under the cover of darkness, I can talk, and listen, and he doesn't have to be hurt more by how much he has hurt me. I don't know where we go from here, as I feel like every time we move forward, we take a few giant steps back... but I do know that I still feel, way down in my heart, that when this is all said and done, we will be better for it. That our marriage will be stronger, and our relationship will be in a whole new, and better place. I know that sounds crazy, but I can feel it happening. I can see things changing a little bit more each time we have one of those crazy hard spells. I keep praying that we are strong enough to get through to  the rainbow on the other side of the storm.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Summer Wrap Up

I finished my job at the blueberry farm on Friday August 24th, and was due to be back at work for school on Monday, August 27th. My plan was to bust my rump all day Saturday getting through the "things that must be done" list, so that Sunday I could spend the whole day with my family, whom I hadn't seen much of all summer. I held up my end of the deal, the rest of them fell short on their end. On Sunday morning, I threw some things in my hiking bag, and headed out early alone for my first hike of the summer. Or, maybe, as it might be better suited to think of, the first hike of the fall. Having never hiked alone, I discovered that I liked being able to set my own pace, which was quicker than when I hike  with others. Not a single other person was out on the mountain that morning, and I didn't have to speak to anyone until I passed some people on my down back near the sign that points towards the parking area. It was lovely.

I just read back over my summer goals list, and realized, like much of this year, they were a bust. We did get to a Swamp Bats game early in July. We took Ash and her friend E, whom I don't think really watched the game, but that's OK, because I did and it was pretty damn good. Following the game was the cities 4th of July fireworks celebration which was fantastic, as usual. I'm sad that we never went to the Drive-In, before they switch over how they play their movies, but we did go see Brave, which was just awesome, even if it was in 3-D. I'm not a huge movie go-er, and I hate that sometimes you HAVE to see movies in 3-D, but Brave was truly a great movie. The night before Ash's birthday E slept over, and we had birthday chocolate fondue instead of cake, and then the next day we headed to the Beach. We had a lovely time, and it was great to be at the ocean instead of at work (I took the day off). The rest of the list, well, it was a long summer at work, and The Boy™ and I are still working through our issues.