Same Ole' sCrap

All in Good Time

2012-02-01T20:42:00.001-05:00

As the blog has been quiet these past few weeks, so I have been quiet as well. I have been taking a long, hard look at some areas in my life that haven't been working well for a long time now. When I chose REVIVE as my word for 2012, I knew that it wasn't going to be an easy word, or an easy year. Coming off of the year that I just have, "there is a lot that needs fixin' " as the saying goes. Instead of jumping in whole hog with all of the things on the list, or even making a list at all, because really.. that would depress the heck out of me, I decided early on that I was going to focus on one thing each month.

I truly believe, that if you focus on one thing at a time, you can change your whole life in a year. Now I'm not saying that you should, or that I need to, I'm just saying that you COULD. One of the things that I let fall out of importance last year was my daily devotional time that I had started doing. I had picked up this great little book by Max Lucado, whom I love, called Grace for the Moment. It has a devotional reading along with a Bible verse, and a question to journal about, for morning and evening for every day of the year. So my goal for January, was to start all over again and do it every day.

What works for me, being a type A with OCD tendencies kind of person, is to have a scheduled time to do it. So I decided that I would start out my day by having breakfast at the table instead of my desk, and doing my morning devotions over breakfast. On top of doing this, I subscribe to a little daily devotional booklet for The Boy™ called Living Faith that he likes to do in the morning after his shower and getting dressed before he comes downstairs, that has a little reading and the readings for the daily Mass, and they sent him two copies of Jan-Mar this year by mistake. He gave me the double, and I have been doing this with my breakfast as well. I can't tell you what a nice start to my day it has been. I haven't missed a single day yet this year, even the past 5 or 6 when I have been so under the weather, and it just sets a nice tone for the rest of my day. I try really hard to get my evening devotional time in after dinner, but that has been a little bit more of a struggle. There have been some days when I have done my evening devotion with the morning one the next day. I am working on being better with that, but I feel really good about where I am after just one month. Next week I'll share what I am going to be working on for February.

Right Now....

2012-01-19T21:11:00.002-05:00

Currently loving... Hot soups. Baked Pasta dishes. Pot Roasts. Anything warm and comforting.
Currently reading... Jane Eyre by Charlote Bronte. I'm on a "Classics" kick. Next up is Pride and Prejudice.
Currently waiting for... my elbow to get better. I'm seeing a wonderful therapist right now who assures me that it IS going to get better, it's just going to take time. Then he heats my arm up for about 20 minutes, and after that causes me more pain than anyone should pay for, but if it makes things better at the end of the day.. bring it on.
Currently excited about...going to Florida at the end of March. Not about actually going to Disney, because in all honesty, there are a good couple dozen other places I'd rather go on vacation BEFORE Disney.. but about seeing my children march down Main St. in a parade. About spending 5 days with all of those kids, because they are really great kids. Enjoying them, and their achievements. That will be worth it. Oh, and being in warm sunshine in March.. priceless.
Currently missing... running. Warm sunshine on my face. Not having to wear 3 layers of clothes to go outside and still being cold. Coffee (sigh). My mom.
Currently trying... at least one new recipe a week. This has worked out so well for us over the past year, I'm going to keep with it. Some weeks we tried too many new recipes, but I've found that it really works out nice to try at least one. Keeps things interesting.
Currently working at... getting my life back on track.
Currently enjoying... some quiet time with my kids. Or, maybe one of them has fallen asleep and I'm just spending quiet time with ONE of my kids.
Currently snacking on... clementines. Nothing beats citrus fruit in the dead of winter, and I am so enjoying my end of the school day, right after we come in from recess and are waiting for the bell to ring to go home clementine. Yummo!
Currently using... this amazing hand cream that I got at the MA Sheep and Wool Festival last year. It has lanolin in it and it's doing wonderful things for my poor, chaffed and bleeding hands. Winter is rough around here!
Currently wearing... my favorite pair of fleece pants. They are one size too big, have been washed so many times they are thin and have lost all their fuzziness and warmth, and I don't care. However, it might be time to get some new ones.

Currently planning...my garden for the summer. I have a whole stack of seed catalogs here in my magazine basket, and I plan to spend an hour this weekend and chat with the family about what we should grow in the garden this summer. I think I might do it while it's snowing on Saturday.
Currently singing... Beautiful.. by Mercy Me. This song has taken root in my heart, and I find myself humming or singing it quite often.
Currently needing... more than I am getting. More than I am able to ask for. To fill the void myself, so that I don't have to rely on others to fill it for me.
Currently learning... that sometimes you have to say nothing.
Currently listening to...the TV, cars outside on rt. 12, Corey tapping away on his keyboard, the dog snoring.
Currently wishing... I could go on a mission trip to Guatemala.
Currently doing... far less than I think I should be, and far more than others expect of me.
Currently praying for...my Grandmpa's health, my sponsored child Mariah and her family, several family situations, Randy's weekend, God's grace, patience, calmness and gentleness when dealing with the students at work, and trust in Him.
Currently dreaming of... going on a trip somewhere for our 20th anniversary. We have a few years to save (we'll celebrate 17 years this year), and I'm going to ignore that it will be the same year that Ashley graduates HS, and Corey will likely be in in College by then.. because we have never taken a BIG trip.. not even for our honeymoon. I think it's time, don't you?

Winter Doldrums

2012-01-15T19:13:00.001-05:00

It sneaks up on me every year, even though I know that it's coming. I try to prepare myself, physically and mentally. I go to bed at a reasonable hour. I keep the alarm set for 5:00am, and wake when it goes off, not matter how dark or cold it is on the other side of my warm bed. I eat good, healthy foods that nourish my body, paying attention to what is in season and what types of foods my body is craving (hearty soups and warm, comforting foods.. you won't catch me eating salads in January no matter how much I love them). I mentally go over a schedule of the days events in my head, of things to do, and stuff to get done and how to keep busy in the evenings. I plan to exercise, keeping active and getting that boost of feel good chemicals that they tell you will help, even with the lack of sunshine in the winter, but the cold and the dark are my worst enemy in more ways that one, and it doesn't always happen.

Despite my best efforts, once we get past Christmas, and January hits, winter weighs down heavy on me like an elephant settling in for a nap. It's dark in the morning, until about a half hour before I leave for work, and it's dark within an hour of getting home at the end of the day. On top of that, January is typically the coldest month in N.H. The cold, the dark, the lack of sunshine and the fresh air drive me to want to hole up like a bear and not come out again until spring. If effects my mood, it effects my sleeping, it effects my emotional well being and I struggle with it every single year.

This year I thought I'd be OK. It hasn't been really cold until the past few weeks. But once Christmas break got here, and I spent the week really taking it easy, and relaxing and not doing a whole lot of anything (I read, watched movies, knit, stared out the window if I felt like it, wasted far too much time on the internet).. which I really, truly needed, I got into that cycle of "winter hibernation" that is so hard to break out of. Especially when you suffer from S.A.D. The past few weeks that we've been back in school haven't been as crazy as life usually is around here. We've been juggling the usual stuff, and chores and appointments and such. Yet I find that after dinner is cleaned up, instead of the things I could be, or want to be doing.. I head to my chair with my blanket and my knitting or my laptop, and there I stay until it's time to head to bed. The past few weekends have been really laid back, and lazy kind of weekends. I am OK with all of this.

I am taking this month to ease back into the groove of things. To continue taking care of myself, and not putting too much stress on myself to "do this and do that and why aren't you (fill in whatever I think I should be doing here). February is going to be here soon enough and it will be crazy until school gets out and then my summer job will start and round and round we go. Right now I have to deal with an elbow that still hurts, some family stuff that is weighing heavy on my heart, and the dark demons of winter depression. In the meantime.. if I'm a little more "lazy" than normal, I think that is going to have to be OK.

So We Say Goodbye..

2011-12-31T17:53:00.002-05:00

The internet is awash with people posting their top 10 projects, or recipes, or favorite this-or-that's from 2011, and while I've enjoyed reading the posts, I'm not inspired to come here and write one myself. I don't think I have 10 posts from this year that were worth revisiting, nor can I stretch my memory hard enough to come up with 10 events from this year that were worth remembering. So what I think I am going to do, right now, is go through and upload a photo from each month of the year, and write about it. Maybe I'll get to the end and decide that 2011 had some bang-up moments after all and I can send it off with a bit of gladness. Sound fun? Let's go!

January was harder than I thought it was going to be.. there was lots of things to choose from! The Middle School drama class put on a play entitled "Once On This Island" and Ashley had one of the lead parts. They did a phenomenal job and not only did I enjoy the play very much, but I was very proud of her and the other students.

In February, amidst the snow that wouldn't quit falling, I got my craft on and decided that this year I was going to embrace Valentines day and celebrate it for the first time in, well.. maybe ever. I decorated for it, I made some crafts that you can see here, and I baked special treats for my people. I don't know what came over me, and I may never do it again, but it was fun.

The highlight of March was the MRHS musical production of CATS. The students did an outstanding job with the show and we were so proud of Ashley. I am always amazed at how she can get up on the stage in front of all those people and sing and dance and do what she does. I don't even like talking in front of my co-workers and I've know them for years!

April brought flowers and grass and house projects and spring and many other splendid things, but this was my most favorite memory of April. Evie loves to head bonk, and Uncle Neal loves Evie. It was Easter day and we were at his parents house, and I just happened to catch this perfect moment that they were sharing. I can't tell you how much I love this photo. It might be my favorite of the entire year.

In January, we lost one of our staff members at school, after a heroic battle with cancer. In May, we held a mini-Relay for Life at our school and dedicated a memorial to her around our flag pole. Her entire family came out for the event and it was beautiful and moving and I will never forget it. The day was filled with laughter and tears and we raised money for the team who attended the full relay for Life later in June.

There were so many things to choose from in June, but the thing that stands out was sending Corey off to M.I.T for the summer. I still can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that he's 17, that he will be a senior next year, that he has a brilliant mind, and that he can go to MIT and take classes and hob-nob with the best of them like it's nothing. He continually amazes me over and over.

In July my mom came home for her vacation, and we all converged on my brother Scott's house to celebrate her 60th birthday which was earlier in the month. She came and spent the weekend with us while she was here, and it was what it always is, but it made her happy, and that's what matters. Circumstances for her have changed since she got back and now I don't know when I'll see her again so I'm glad we had our visit.

Late August brought a Hurricane, that was slated to travel right over our town. It ended up taking a turn to the left and brought devastation like I've never seen to areas of Vermont, who were not expecting more than some heavy rain, which is all we ended up with. One of the best photos I took that day was of Ashley's "Hurricane Bag". She packed a bag in case we had to evacuate and I snapped a photo of what was inside.

Life got crazy again in September with school and band and football games and meetings and all the things that being back to work brings. I don't even have a photo for all the days in September, which I didn't realize until right now. This was the first pot roast I cooked in my oven, instead of in the crockpot. I got the recipe from Pioneer Woman and I've made it several times since. It's delicious!

There were lots of cool parts of October, like the Fireman's Parade, and apple picking and the warm weather, and the only SNOW we've had so far this winter.. but the best part of it was finally having saved up enough money to get my bike. Of course, right after I got my bike it snowed, and then we got another storm that dropped 25 more inches of snow, but we've had lots of non-snowy days since then. I LOVE my bike.

In November, we stood before God and our family and became Evie's Godparents. It was a beautiful day and we are so blessed to be able to share in her life in this special way. Afterwards we celebrated her first birthday, which rounded out the day in the most perfect way.

The Boy™ had to come to my school to drop something off on Dec. 23rd, which was our last day before the break, and so I rode home with him. We walked in the door to find these two sleeping beauties at opposite ends of the couch. It had been a crazy couple of weeks, and I knew exactly how they felt. There were a whole bunch of other photos I considered sharing for December, such as my nieces on Christmas Eve, or Corey on his birthday, or a multitude of others that were festive and holiday-ish. But really, at the end of a long and trying year, I felt that this one said it all.

One Little Word

2011-12-29T10:08:00.000-05:00

2011 will be forever remembered in my mind, as the year that I fell apart. The year started out amazingly, and I had really strong hopes that it was going to be THE year after a string of rather craptastic years,and I can't tell you how excited I was for it. Then, in late February, things started to fall apart, and it was one worse than the next until I got to a point when I honestly wondered if I would reach a breaking point. If you've never had to look life in the face and wonder just how much more you were capable of taking before you couldn't take One.More.Thing., then consider yourself very lucky. It's not a fun place to be, and I can only tell you that in my life I've been through some pretty wretched things, and this year really takes the cake. I consider it a huge accomplishment that I've made it to here, this last week of the year, mostly in one piece.

My overall well being has taken a huge beating this year due to the enormous stress of it all, and 2012 is going to be forever known as the year that I put myself back together. I have spent a lot of time these past few days thinking about what my word for 2012 should be. I want a word that encompasses healing and starting over and making whole. I toyed with refresh and renew, and the the word I keep coming back to is REVIVE. Revive, is a verb that means to start again; bring back to life. Some of the synonyms of revive are: awake, bounce back, breathe new life into, brighten, come around, come to life, energize, enliven, exhilarate, gladden, invigorate, make whole, refresh, rejuvenate, rekindle, renew, restore, revitalize, and strengthen. All of the things that I want for myself this year. All things that so many areas of my life need. The things is, I already used this word back in 2009. I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided that I don't care. It's my word, and I'm going to use it again. Besides, I don't think I did a good job of working it into my life in 2009. I started out good with it, and even made a cool project to go with it that you can see here, but that was about where it ended. I have far bigger plans for this word in 2012.

In Which We Find... A Fine Young Man

2011-12-27T07:54:00.001-05:00

Just recently I had several conversations with a few different people where I've likened teenagers to toddlers. I had this revelation within the last few months and it was both startling and amusing to me at the same time. Much like toddlers, teenagers require lots of sleep, eat large amounts of foods, go through rapid mood swings and throw temper tantrums at the drop of a dime. I remember being so grateful when my children grew out of their toddler years, yet it seems they are back in them again, only this time much larger and louder. No one warned me about this part of parenting, and I felt a little bit ill-prepared for it. Having two teenagers at the same time has been difficult at best and that's sugar coating over the worst of it. I am thankful however that he is coming off the worst of it as she is heading into it, so there's that.

He has had a difficult year, my boy. As I sit here, on his birthday and reflect on this past year and where it has taken him, and us, I am grateful for where we have gotten to today. I count among my blessings the months that he was able to spend at MIT this summer, no matter how much I missed him or how challenging that was to work out on several different levels. He needed that break from life and it's struggles and the intellectual stimulation and educational growth that he received while he was there was worth it all. He came back recharged and ready to take on the world.

Over the past few months, I have caught glimpses of him as a responsible adult, and less of an awkward teenager. I have seen true joy on his face, which has been rare this year, and heard him laugh from the very depths of his being. I have been able to rest better at night and drop the worry notch down from an 8 to a 4. We have had some fantastic conversations, and even though I don't always understand what the heck he is talking about, I enjoy that he's engaging in them with us again. The twinkle in his eye is back and his curiosity has been reignited and things are starting to right themselves again.

The part of me that is a mom, can't believe that next year he will be a legal adult, and a senior, and making decisions that will effect the rest of his life and getting ready to go off and have new adventures without me. The part of me that is HIS mom, is so proud of the young man that he is becoming and cannot wait to see what kind of awesome things he is going to do with his life once he goes out to blaze his own trail. Happy Birthday Corey. Dad and I love you!

In Which We Find An Anniversary.....

2011-12-20T08:07:00.001-05:00

In an effort to keep the blog from reflecting what's going on with me internally, I've chosen instead to remain quiet. I thought about doing some fluffy-nonsense kind of posts like I've done in the past, but really, those aren't the kind of posts that I'm all about. As I've been going back and working on labeling all the old posts on my blog, those are the ones that make me cringe when I read them. I won't take them off, but I'm certainly not going to be adding any new ones. As I look back at the number of posts I've done this year in total, I can see what a struggle the year has been overall. There are other years that have been challenging for different reasons, and the number of posts in those years reflects a similar patterns. In prior years, I used to just come here and rant and rave about whatever thing was festering inside of me. The empty space on the screen was an invitation to get it all out. Release the poisons that were trapped inside so that they weren't building up like an internal time bomb just waiting to explode. But I realized, that my blog was starting to sound whiny. That all my posts were starting to take on a similar theme, and I didn't like it. I didn't like writing them, and I can't imagine that you liked reading them.

I've really been struggling with the holidays this year. I can't quite put my finger on the exact reason why. I don't think it's any one reason in particular. I think it's more likely a dozen or more little reasons that don't seem significant enough on their own to even give them a second though, but all together they are just doing me in. My emotional state is a mess. I've choked up reading holiday stories to the kids at school. The few holiday specials/movies I've watched at home this year with my family have brought me to tears. Some of the advent devotional readings we've done around our advent wreath have had my family looking over to see if I'm OK while I read them. I'm a mess and I don't know what to do about it.

I went over to visit my good friend C on Sunday afternoon for a few hours before she heads out to visit a friend in NYC for Christmas, and while I was gone The Boy™ hung up the wreaths on the house and put the lights out on the outside of the porch. I came home, didn't notice the wreaths, but as I pulled into the driveway, I noticed the lights on the porch, and I sat there in the driveway with tears in my eyes and thought about how he did that for me. We have been so straight out busy this year that we never got around to decorating the outside of our house. It made me sad early on in the season, and then I just wrote it off until next year and let it go. It was freezing cold on Sunday, and he put most of the decorations up, even if only for 2 weeks, for me because he can tell that I'm having a hard time this year. I don't know what I've done to deserve such a guy.

Today, is the anniversary of my nephew Max's death. He would've been 5 years old today, and the other day I allowed myself a bit of time to think about the little boy that he might be. Who would he look like? What kind of personality would he have? I remembered what Corey was like at 5 and how he liked to take stuff apart and fool around with computers and watch science shows and loved Star Wars. I think of my BIL Chris and how he loves building stuff and sports and wonder if Max would be into trucks and football and more "boy" things than Corey was. The day that Max died, on the way to school, I saw a cardinal in the yard of one of my neighbors. On the day of the funeral, a cardinal came to the bird feeder in my yard and stayed for a long, long time. Each year on Easter, since his death, when we are at my MIL's house, I've seen a cardinal in her yard, just for a short time. Each time he is on my mind, or in my heart, I catch a glimpse of a male cardinal sometime during the day. I told my SIL how the cardinal has become kind of symbolic with me in regards to Max and why, and she thought that was beautiful. I've decided that I want to find a beautiful cardinal ornament for my tree, and perhaps one for hers as well in memory of him.

When You Need To Change Your Focus

2011-12-09T20:26:00.001-05:00

Today was one of those kind of days. I had taken next Friday off as a personal day to get ready for Uncle Christmas about a month ago. Then my Grampa got sick and we moved the date to this weekend so that he could join us, and then we moved the location to my brother's house so that it wouldn't be such a far drive for him. I decided that I'd switch my personal day to today and use it to get ready for my niece's visit tomorrow and Uncle Christmas on Sunday. It seemed like such a good idea at the time.

Today was one of those days that doesn't work out like it was planned to. One of those days where everything goes wrong and your frustration level builds all day and you realize after a while that your hormones are also working against you and you just want to stand in a corner like a 2 year old and scream at the top of your lungs and wish it to all go away. One of those days. Seriously, I would've been better off at school.

Tonight, after my brain( which we'll all remember is being afflicted by some nasty migraine medication) yet again refused to remember that 1/4 cup of butter is half a stick and not a whole stick, and I screwed up the same fudge that I've made a dozen times over and then some, I came into my dark office and sat in the chair and looked out across the room at the Christmas lights on the common. I had a long quiet cry for myself while dinner cooked and thought about how out of sorts the holidays seem this year. Then I stopped to consider that maybe I'm putting too much focus on the events, and the loss, and not enough focus on the reason and the purpose. We went out to eat at the table, and while we were sitting there, my son lit the candles of our advent calendar.

Our advent calendar is new this year, and it usually gets cleared off the table for dinner. However, tonight we were having pizza, which stays out in the kitchen, so that the regular pizza can be on the stove, and the gluten free pizza can be on the counter. Each person brings their own plate to the table, which leaves the middle of the table free and empty. Or, as the case might be right now, allows our advent calendar to stay. As I sat, and ate my pizza, and reflected on the awful day I had, and how nothing seems to be going right as of late, and how I feel like such a failure so often because my cognitive function is being affected by this medication and I wonder if not having constant headaches is worth it, I thought about something my daughter had said earlier. She commented that I could be having worse side effects, or be suffering from some far more serious illness, or be dying, and that I should be grateful that in the grand scheme of life that it's really not that bad. Really, she's right. Today I have a case of the "poor me's". So my brain is stupid, and the holiday's aren't working out as normal and I've had to give up gluten and re-figure out celebrating as I know it. So what? After dinner, we came together and did out daily advent reflection and reading. Then The Boy informed me that he was going out to the market. I had already been to the market today, so I was a little confused. He informed me that he forgot to tell me about some things he needed, such as beer and munchies, and that he was going to pick up new ingredients for fudge so that I could make it again. He's a wonderful guy and I wouldn't trade him for the world. (most of the time). I think it's time to change my focus.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-12-04T22:49:00.000-05:00

130. Welcoming her into the church and celebrating her first birthday.

131. The tender way he holds my hands to warm them.

132. Hearing her laugh with the students after suffering such a tragic loss.

133. A stretch of mild days this late into the year.

134. Twilight on the way home after a long, disappointing day in Boston.

135. The excitement of a young child who turned my whole day around.

136. They came to participate in the lighting of the Advent candle and the daily reflection without being asked or complaining.

In Which We Find a Heavy Heart..

2011-12-03T13:09:00.001-05:00

Having never cooked a Thanksgiving dinner before, I felt pretty awesome about that fact that I could choose whatever dishes I wanted to make and created a completely gluten free dinner. That, aside from any epic cooking failures, I could put delicious food on the table and start a new family tradition that wasn't overshadowed by memories of years gone by. There would be no discussion of "too bad we can't have _____ this year" and "isn't it a shame mom can't eat _____". Which, even with the burnt cornbread muffins and my foolish oversight that caused a doubling of the gravy recipe, I feel was a huge success. I put a lot of mental energy into planning Thanksgiving, because in my heart I was dreading what was to follow.

We have a lot of food history tied up in Christmas and the weeks leading up to it. Some of it we have created in the past 10 years since we've lived in our house, some of it dates back to when I was a child, and all of it contains gluten. From the cookies and meatball subs that we have to celebrate Uncle Christmas (we won't even talk about the Peanut Butter Blossoms and 7-Layer Bars that are no longer on the table since Ashley's food allergy diagnosis last winter), to the Homemade Cinnamon Rolls I make in the bread machine every Christmas morning, to my Meme's French Meat-pie that we enjoy each year for Christmas dinner. It's all out there, like an elephant in the room, with a big huge "What About...?" placard hanging around it's neck. I of course have had this on my mind for months now. Ever since early fall when it first dawned on me that all of this was going to be an issue this year. It's funny how you can go along not thinking about it, and all of a sudden there it is.

We worked so hard to create traditions with the kids when they were little, that they could have to take with them when they grew up and got older. Something that they could have to remember, or share with their own children one day. I can't even put into words how brokenhearted I feel about all of this. Not that it's my fault exactly, because there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent any of it, but it is because of me, and so I have that good old Catholic guilt over it. Silly, yes. But I can't help it. I can't help feeling awful about the whole thing and now that December is here and it's all staring me in the face it's like a lead weight crushing my heart.

Due to my Grampa's illness, and the likeliness that this will be his last Christmas with us, and how far away we are from everyone, my SIL is hosting Uncle Christmas this year and so that works out a little better. I'm going to bring Baked Zitti (it won't be zitti), a batch of cookies and fudge (all g.f) and she will ensure the rest of what she makes is safe for Ashley to eat and everything will work out OK. That buys me another year to figure out the logistics of making that work. Christmas Eve we celebrate at The Boy's™ parents house, and I'll likely bring something to eat and just make sure his mom has food that is Ashley safe and it's easier that way. Christmas will be here, and somehow, I'll manage around our traditions. I'm on the hunt for a new meat-pie recipe, even if it won't be the one that has been passed down in our family, and I am not quite sure what to do about breakfast. I offered to make the cinnamon rolls for my family anyhow, and got a lot of flack from them regarding it. We'll have to wait and see.

At the End of the Day

2011-12-02T06:10:00.001-05:00

Some days are better than others. On those days I can ignore the eye rolling. I can shrug off the attitude, turn a blind eye to the piles and the mess that seems to follow them wherever they go and ignore that they haven't done the things that I have asked them to do at least three times already that day. On those days I can keep my voice calm and answer back with kind words and be the kind of parent that I always wished I had when I was in the same place where they are. I can offer them solutions to problems or work through situations with the voice of reason or experience.

Some days I don't see them very often. I go about my day, and they go about their day and our paths don't cross much. They might have rehearsals or projects or homework or maybe they stayed up until 4am doing whatever teenagers do until 4am and are exhausted and came home and went to bed after dinner. Or it might be a weekend and they were up until who knows when and then decided to sleep until 4pm. These kinds of days are weird for me. They are quiet and calm and I get a glimpse of what life is going to be like in a few short years when they aren't here anymore. I try not to dwell too much on this fact, but I do realize that the time is coming up far quicker than I would like to think about.

Then there are the other kinds of days. The days where they push every button I have, and I'm not in a place to deal with it. I might have had a bad day at work, I might be caught in a "this is all to overwhelming and I want my old life back even if I felt miserable all the time" funk, or I might just be exhausted and not up to the challenge of a surly teen. Whatever the reason, they bring their A game and I'm not ready to play. On those days I am ugly. I raise my voice in anger. I give the same attitude they give me back to them. I say things I don't mean that I look back on later and know where hurtful and awful. The kinds of things that I used to go to my room and cry about as a teenager. At the end of these kinds of days I don't even like myself. I can only pray that I don't damage them too much. That they can see past the anger and the hurt, and know under it all, how much I really love them. That somehow, that knowledge will be enough.

A Blessing and a Birthday

2011-11-30T20:26:00.000-05:00

I have loved her since the first moment I laid eyes on her just a year ago this past week. I never realized that you could love children that weren't your own until my nieces came along and they have been such a wonderful addition into our lives and our family. Her sister is a firecracker, and while I love her to pieces, I have felt a special connection with Evie since the first time I held her. The Boy™ and I were honored when his sister and her husband asked us over the summer if we would be her Godparents. We of course accepted and after having to cancel due to that Nor'easter last month, had the Baptism this past weekend.

I won't speak of the actual Baptism, but the important thing is that her family was there and we all welcomed her into the church and celebrated with her and that was wonderful. Besides, she's too little to remember any of it anyhow, right? She was a trooper, and didn't cry when they splashed the water on her head, but she did push the Deacon's hands a way which I thought was hysterical and it was all over very quickly. Welcome to the church Evelyn Elizabeth! We all love you very much.

After the Baptism, we celebrated her first birthday which was last Tuesday. I can hardly believe a year has gone by already. She has faced some challenges this past year and has come through them all like a trooper. Her smiling face has gotten me through some of the darker parts of my year and I thank God every day for her. We all wrote her a letter and put it into a time capsule to be opened when she is older and then sang happy birthday and had cupcakes. A beautiful way to end the day.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-11-26T21:58:00.000-05:00

123. How he takes it all in stride, calm and never complaining.

124. A late afternoon fall hike with some coworkers. Great way to end the day.

125. Warm November sunshine.

126. Quiet at the end of an unpleasant day.

127. Many things to give thanks for, including a delicious and safe meal and the love of each other.

128. A family trip to the movies filled with laughter.

129. Remembering loved ones who have gone to be with God as we decorated the tree.

A Day To Be Thankful

2011-11-24T21:28:00.000-05:00

Growing up we always celebrated Thanksgiving at my Gram's house. She cooked the same exact dinner every year, and we would eat it at 1pm on the dot. You were given the option of having Cran-Raspberry or Tomato Juice to drink with your meal and we always had the same 4 choices of pie for desert after the dishes were done being washed, dried and put away. The adults ate at the table, and the kids ate at a fold out table in the living room. It didn't matter how old you were, or, in my case, even if you were married and had small children of your own, if you were not one of Gram's kids or married to them, you ate at the kids table. It was how things were done, and it was comforting. Some years back, for reason's I will never quite understand, Gram started keeping bread and cookies in her oven. She also started batteling Alzheimer's Disease, and we arrived at her house one Thanskgiving to discover that she had turned on the oven to pre-heat and had forgotten to take whatever she was storing in there out. That was the first year in my life we ate later than 1pm, and the last year Gram got to cook Thanksgiving dinner.

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The next year my Aunt took over and the whole affair moved to her house. The menu changed a little bit to reflect some her husband's favorite dishes from growing up, and my brother and his wife started switching off between our family and her family. Some years some of my other brothers came, and some years they didn't. In the midst of all of this, my mom left for Maryland and some years my dad was in Florida for Thanksgiving and some years he was home. Times they were a changing. A few years ago Ashley started asking if we could have Thanksgiving at home with just the four of us. My grandparents were getting on in age, and it seemed like the timing was bad. However, at the same time I started thinking that my kids were getting on in age and soon they would be leaving home and maybe they wanted to "come home" for Thanksgiving and it might be time. Then last January my Gram passed away. Last Thanksgiving was the first one without her and we went to support my Grampa. Since then we've had food allergies and intolerance's crop up at our house and asking my Aunt to have to accommodate all of that seemed like too much, so in light of all of the above, we decided to do Thanksgiving at home this year.

I have never cooked Thanksgiving dinner before. Sure, I have cooked a turkey before, and made side dishes to go with it. Last year, C and her family came over and we had our Harvest Dinner, which essentially was a Thanksgiving dinner, just served earlier in the month. So I felt fairly confident that I could pull it off. Except for this time, we had the whole gluten-free thing to contend with. Really, however, if you think about it, most of a Thanksgiving dinner is naturally gluten-free to start with, if you don't mess around with it too much. You have to be careful with store bought turkeys, as they inject all sorts of things into them to keep them fresh and plump them up. Between gluten and soy, it was too much bother so I went local and got a turkey from a wonderful man out in Westmoreland. I can't tell you how delicious our turkey turned out, so I won't even begin to try. On top of that, we had maple glazed carrots, brussel sprouts, and mashed potatoes using vegetables from our C.S.A share at Tracie's Farm in Fitzwilliam. I made a wonderful wild rice stuffing and cranberry sauce, and as luck would have it, the night before I came across a recipe for gluten-free gravy from Gluten Free Girl and the Chef. I wasn't planning on making any bread this year, but Ash asked if I'd make cornbread, and I figured that would be a great idea. My cornbread recipe has an adaptation to make muffins and as my 9x9 pan was tied up with our dessert, which was pumpkin cake with a butter-cream frosting, I thought it would be a great addition to the table. Turns out if you follow the adaptation, the muffins burn. I wasn't impressed, but the family used forks and ate the tops and insides anyhow and it all worked out in the end. There were some logistical things that I am sure we can work out better for next year surrounding the actual cooking of the food items, such as pre-cooking some things and then just heating them up as the turkey rests when it comes out the oven, but overall I think it was a huge success and I'm quite pleased with how it turned out. When it was all said and done, The Boy™ surprised me and washed all the dishes. I had much to be thankful for indeed.

A Tale of One Table

2011-11-23T22:01:00.001-05:00

Six years or so ago, my mother gave us that long white side table that currently lives in our dining room. When she bought it for her apartment, she used it in her living room. I remember that there was a table runner across the top of it and she kept some pretty decorative items and candles on it. There were two chairs that she had, one at each end and it fit in her living room very nicely. When she gave up her apartment and moved to Maryland she asked if we'd like to have it for our house and I accepted. The first place it lived in our dining room was in front of the window next to the porch, as seen in this photo from 2008. While I really liked the table there, the window is not centered on the wall, and it gave my OCD tendencies a twitch. On top of that, it was really close to the doorway. After several years of being in that spot, we moved it across the room to the space between the arches. In case you are wondering, I don't know why my dining room windows have shutters, but we haven't replaced them yet because it's one of those projects that involves more than just replacing the shutter.

The fact that the table is white, and the rest of the furniture is cherry and hunter green, which is a throw back to our early apartment dwelling days when we were dirt poor and my mom offered to help us out and buy us a table and chair set, became glaringly obvious when we moved it across the room. This is likely due to the fact that the entire wall on the dining room side of the arches is painted hunter green. Interesting fact that you might not know number 1: the whole dining room was painted this color when we first came to see our house. Sometime after the first showing and when we came for the inspection, the realtor informed the seller that the room was too dark and that they should paint it. They did the shoddiest paint job ever and painted over dark green painted paneling with yellow paint and it bled through and we have it our short list to re-do. There are just far more important things that need doing first. So anyhow, the table lived over here for a few more years. I liked it here, but not that much. I loved the mirror above it. I hated how close it was to the table. I loved that it became kind of a "mantle" as there is a fireplace hidden behind that wall, though it opens out into the other side of the wall most likely. I hated how white the table was next to the green.

Sunday, while we were fall cleaning the dining room, I move it again. On the other side of the doorway from where the window is in the first photo, lived a bookcase. When we first moved into our house, our hutch lived there. We had two bookcases that lived on the wall where our hutch now resides. Those bookcases are 30 years old and in rough shape and we moved one out, and the last one has been waiting for us to do some renovations in two other rooms so we could move it out as well. I got tired of waiting and Sunday I made room for the books that were on that bookcase elsewhere, and we hauled it out to the barn. I moved the white table for what will be the last time (the next time it's out the door), and I really love it in it's new home. I actually think the reason I didn't like the table for so many years is because it was clashing with the green. Eventually I want to get a fireplace front with a mantle for in between the arches to put under the mirror. If we can't have the real fireplace, at least we can have the appearance of one. But that's a project that can wait until it's time to work on that room. For now, I'm just happy to have the bookcase gone, and that I finally like that table.

Giving Thanks

2011-11-17T21:45:00.001-05:00

Somehow we have made it past the middle of November, and Thanksgiving is next week. I'm not really sure how this has happened, but multiple trips to the calendar have confirmed this rumor, and my family has assured me that in fact, we will be eating turkey at this time next week. (well, not this exact time anyhow) There's all sorts of noise, for lack of a better work, in the world surrounding Thanksgiving. You hear about it on the radio, or the TV, or read about it in the paper or on the internet. The best way to cook a turkey or the best stuffing recipe or how to decorate your table so that even your cranky old aunt Betsy is impressed. Does it really matter? I think we place too much importance on the wrong part of the holiday. We end up tired, stressed out and cranky with dry turkeys and overcooked stuffing that took 5 hours to cook and 15 minutes to eat and ended with a table full of bickering family members. Where is the enjoyment in that?

This year, I will be cooking Thanksgiving dinner at home for my own little family for the first time. Having never done it, there are no standards I have to live up to. We are going to enjoy a turkey dinner, which I have cooked before, with several side dishes that I still have not yet determined, and when it's all over, we are going to head out to the theater to see the new Muppet Movie. When we return home, I'm planning on a dessert or maybe two to choose from. I will be giving thanks that we are employed, have our health, a roof over our heads and are together. After the year we have been through, I have much more to be thankful than all of that, but it's a start. Right now, I'm thankful that I have three more work days until the Thanksgiving break gets here. I can hardly wait.

Broken

2011-11-12T10:01:00.001-05:00

much like the rest of the year, the colors were a bust

It's hard to come and post about things you are thankful for, when so many things are broken right now. My laptop sits near a window, and I sit here so often and stare out the window and the things that weigh heavy on my mind threaten to bury me alive.

Instead of posting about all of these things, I've come to ask for your help. If you could send some good thoughts and prayers over here to help lift some of that weight, I would so greatly appreciate it. Just me, and all of this stuff that is crushing my spirit. If you could keep my Grandpa in your good thoughts and pray that when his time comes to go and join my Grandma, that it's quick and peaceful, I would greatly appreciate it.

All is Grace

2011-11-09T06:32:00.000-05:00

For the past few years I have purchased what has become known as the "family gift". Something that we can all do together as a family. One year it was a Whirly Pop popcorn popper, wooden popcorn bowl and a few DVD's to watch over vacation. One year it was RockBand (I got it for a steal as it was an older version of the instruments). As we head into Christmas this year, gifts have been a bit of a challenge to think about. We are going to Florida in March. The kids are going with the Band, and Neal and I are going as Chaperone's. We weren't going to originally, as even for just the two of us it's a lot of money, but we figured it's a chance of a lifetime and we likely won't get to do this again, so we are going for it. Part of the everyone's gift this year, is spending money for the strip. On top of that, we have to have our trip paid for by February. In light of that, I've been giving the family gift a lot of thought this year. The kids are getting older, and I've been finding that as they age, what they want and what they need and what they consider gifts is evolving and changing and it's hard as a parent to come to terms with.

It has been on my heart for a few months now, if not longer, to sponsor a child through Compassion International. It has been there, and stayed there, and every few weeks, I have gone and looked at the children that are waiting for a sponsor, and I have thought some more about it, and I have closed the page. Lately, though, I have gone every few days. I had some of my own specifications. It had to be a girl. She had to be very young: they are eligible for sponsorship at the age of 3, and I want to be able to sponsor her for a long, long time. On top of all that, her photo had to speak to my heart. Last night, on a whim, I visited the site again, and I found Mariah. Mairah is from Guatemala and will turn 4 in February. She has the biggest, roundest eyes, and the saddest, little look on her face. Whoever took her photo seemed to capture her spirit just asking for someone to save her. How could I resist that? So this year, I will inform my people that in light of a family gift, we are going to help save this little girl, who is living in poverty in Middle America. This small child who likes to play with dolls, play ball games and run. Who's life will be just a little better, because we cared about her.

Warm November Sunshine

2011-11-02T21:57:00.000-04:00

my tree swing.. buried in snow

During certain times of the year, when the temperature isn't that warm, you can stand outside with your eyes closed, facing the sun and trick yourself into believing you're at the beach. I know what you're thinking, "She's finally lost it. All that snow has gotten to her and she's gone off the deep end." Not true. This trick works especially well if you are standing out on a playground and have the noise of small children to add to the beach daydream. It doesn't work come December, and if my memory serves me correctly, I don't believe it works again until April.. but it worked today. We still have about half a foot of snow on our playground, and I'm starting to doubt if it will melt by the end of the week, or before it gets cold enough to not melt at all, as we have some really high snow banks in some areas. To stand in the snow, close my eyes and feel the warm sun on my face and day dream about the beach was a little slice of heaven in November.

A Month of Being Thankful

2011-11-01T07:24:00.000-04:00

The year started out really well, as I recall. I had some major revelations about some areas of my life and was working on turning things in a new direction. This was going to be the year of change. Change that was desperately needed. Then life got in the way, as it is so often known to do, and put a screeching halt to my plans. It's harder to avoid life when it's your health that is getting in the way of things. Health issues have a way of getting in your face and becoming all consuming. They manage to take over and fill all areas until they threaten to bury your with their very existence. I have a new appreciation for people who have to live with chronic illness. I don't know how they find the strength to get through it. I really don't. Now that I finally on the other side of it all, I'm ready to put it behind me. I think I have the fortitude to deal with what's left and move on with a clearer head and less worry. I'm tired of it all, frankly, and it's time. So this month, the month of Thanksgiving, I'm going to focus on being thankful, and positive, and the blessings in my life. Work on turning my attitude and my focus around and get to a better place before the holidays and the darkness of winter set in. I don't think I can head into winter with the mindset I've been in the past 9 months. I might not come out on the other side. Today, on the first day of this month, as I get ready to embark on this journey, I leave you with this quote:

"To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant,
to enact gratitude is generous and noble,
but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven."
Johannes A. Gaertner

Trick... or Treat?

2011-10-31T07:05:00.000-04:00

When the started talking about a Nor'Easter for Saturday we just shrugged it off. A Nor'Easter is basically just an off-shore storm and we've had them in October before. They bring strong winds and rain and no one really paid any attention to it. Early in the week they started talking about snow on Thursday. Snow in October isn't unheard of either. It's usually just a light coating that coats the pumpkins and melts fast and makes the kids happy.

Thursday Night It started snowing and we woke up to 3 inches on Friday morning. 3 inches of wet snow in October is a little out of the ordinary. Friday was parade and party day at school, so between that, and the snow, it was a very loud and crazy day. All during the day Friday I heard people talking about a storm on Saturday. Snowfall amounts kept being tossed around. 5 inches, 6 inches, 8 inches. It was crazy. We never get snow like that in October. Somehow this Nor'Easter was bringing snow with it instead of rain, and somehow it had shifted paths and the atmospheric conditions were just right and we were going to get some snow.

It started snowing Saturday afternoon around 3pm. They were calling for 8-10 inches in my range of the state, with the possibility of 12 if you live in the higher elevations like I do. When I went out to shovel at 7pm, we already had almost a foot. I figured that the storm was winding down, and went to bed at 10. Nothing could have prepared me to wake up on Sunday to 25 inches of wet, heavy snow. Nothing. It was the kind of snow that coats the trees, some of which haven't let go of all their leaves yet, and sticks to everything giving it a mid-winter glow.

They talked on the news yesterday about how we haven't had a snow like this in October, or November for that fact in the 140 years that they have been keeping records. Pretty darn impressive. We got lucky in my part of the state. Our trees had lost most of their leaves. Out in the eastern areas of the state where they had just started to fall, the weight of the leaves plus the weight of the snow caused all sorts of power outages and 300,000 people are in the dark today and 200 towns have cancelled school. Trick, or Treat?

End of the Month Wrap Up

2011-10-28T07:03:00.001-04:00

last night, in the middle of the storm

I'm still coming to terms with the fact that my calendar is telling me October is almost over. I still have leaves on the ground, my fall cleaning has barely been started, and their is snow on the ground. Right after I typed my last post I came down with an awful respiratory infection that knocked me out of commission for a solid week. It was two weeks before I got my energy back and could function like myself again. Then, right after I was finally feeling better, I had surgery to remove a tumor from my uterus at the end of last week. I got the news yesterday that it wasn't cancerous and there were no cancerous cells detected in the lining, so praise God for that. They burnt the lining out after removing the tumor and doing the biopsy, so hopefully this will be the end of any future concerns. In between all of that, I've had visits to the doctor about a damaged nerve in my elbow, and I've gone for an MRI of my head/brain to see if there might not be something else going on that is causing my daily headaches and contributing to my migraine disorder. In a nutshell, I am a mess. 2011 will be forever known as the year I fell apart, and I can't wait for 2012 to get here so I can put myself back together.

On a positive note, I'm continuing to feel better and better after having given up gluten at the tail end of the summer. It was hard and awful at first, but I'm learning how to eat in a way that is healing to my body and finding ways to bake using ingredients that aren't harmful and while every once in a while I find myself having a little pity party, the benefits far outweigh the sorrow and I quickly move past it. I wish that we had figured it out back during the winter when we started the elimination diet and hadn't been so quick to determine that it wasn't the issue. It would've saved so much trouble in the meantime. But, live and learn.

Marching season has ended, rehearsals for the Holiday show have started and school is going well. I've started my holiday shopping, we are saving to chaperone the band's trip to Disney in March and my family is in a good place right now. I have much to be thankful for. November is coming and I plan to spend the month really focusing on my blessings. It's time to turn this ship around.

In Which I Wax Poetic About Fall

2011-10-13T22:25:00.002-04:00

photo from 2010

It's no secret around here that I LOVE fall. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with the other season's, it's just that I LOVE fall.

I love spring, with all it's new growth, flowers, and the return of migratory birds. I like to feel the warmth of the sun on my face, and watch the grass green up and the leaves burst out of the buds on the trees.

I love summer, with it's glorious produce, long lazy days, and beautiful weather. I can't tell you how summer rejuvenates my soul. Sitting in the sun, or on the porch, or at the lake and just enjoying it all is one of my favorite past-times when I'm not busy working. I love swimming and camping and hiking and the farmer's market and a million other things about summer.

I love winter for about a week. I love the first snowfall of the season. I love to see white lights twinkling off of fresh snow, and green wreaths with bright red bows hanging off of old houses. The candles in the windows that dot the old houses around here speak to my soul. The problem with winter is the bitter cold, which I don't handle well, so my love for winter is short lived.

But none of these things are fall. Fall is crisp mornings and warm afternoons. Cozy blankets brought out to snuggle with on the couch while watching a movie. Leaves crunching underfoot and woodsmoke drifting through the neighborhood. Warm sweaters that have been stored away since spring. Casseroles and pumpkin and comfort food. I could wax poetic about fall all night, but I won't.

This fall, however, is crazy and chaotic and stressful and I feel like it's passing by too fast and if I blink I might miss it. Tonight while I was wandering on the web, I came across this little bit from The Inspired Room. It was too good not to share.

20 Little Things To Treasure in Autumn

Quiet dinners by the fire
Reading mystery novels in darkened rooms
Flannel sheets at the end of a long day
Candles Flickering
Smelling cinnamon, oranges & cloves
Pumpkins
Roasts, Potatoes & Carrots
Fluffy feather beds on a cold night
Watching movies snuggled in soft blankets
Cozy socks
Pie in the oven
Warm crackling wood stoves
Squash with buttered brown sugar
Chili and corn bread smothered in honey
Wind blowing through leaves
Glow of lamps through windows
Laughter filling a room
Scrabble and popcorn
Caramel apples
Family

My Faithful Companion

2011-10-04T18:42:00.001-04:00

He brought her home in his lunch box on afternoon in mid-August several year ago. Ms. Thang and I were in the family room watching Harry Potter (every summer we try to have a marathon and watch them all but it never happens) and she was on the couch and I was in my favorite chair knitting. He walked in the door, early from work, and I knew something was up. He walked over to my chair, so excited for the gift he had in his lunchbox and out she popped.

I have to admit, she was the homeliest looking kitten I had ever seen. Her hair was too long and shaggy for her little self, her fur was a bit dull and I soon discovered she was covered in fleas. On top of all that, she was very shy and wouldn't let anyone near her. Anyone, except me. The second day we had her, after I figured out the flea thing, I sat on the couch with a bowl of hot water and a lice comb, and for almost two hours I combed fleas off of her little body. She didn't budge one inch. I think the relief she must've felt kept her there, despite her anti-social nature.

Somewhere in those early days, she decided that I was her person. Maybe she saw a kindred soul when she looked at me, or maybe it was that flea-ridding incident that won her over. I don't know, really, and I don't much care. Over the years, she has opened up a bit more, become more social, with me mostly, and is now my shadow. She hears my alarm go off in the morning, and if I'm not out of the room in about 15 minutes, she meows outside my door. She waits there, and follows me into the bathroom purring the loudest purr I've ever heard from a cat. After that we go downstairs.

If I'm in the kitchen cooking, she's on the kitchen floor, or curled up on the rug next to the dining room table where she can still see me at the stove. If I am in here on the computer, she comes in and curls up next to Neal's school bag and stays until I leave. If I am out watching TV etc, she curls up either on the floor, or on the bottom of the coffee table (It's got a big lower shelf) where she can keep an eye on me. She greats me at the door when I come home, or back into the house, and she sits in the windows around the house and watches me if I'm out doing yard work.

Over the years, she has grown into her body and she's not the same homely looking cat that came home in the lunchbox. She's mischievous and funny, and I can't imagine living here without her. Quite frankly, she's one of the best gifts I've gotten in a long time, and I love her.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-10-03T19:29:00.000-04:00

115. A simple apology, with sincere words behind it.

116. A flock of geese flying south for the winter in the early morning light.

117.A half hour of extra sleep, snuggled next to the man I love.

118. Everyone hunkered down in their favorite "family room" spot.
119. A hand held during a trip to the grocery store.

120. Warm, hearty soup after hours spent out in the dreary rain.

122. The way the light has changed in the morning, promising cooler days.

In Which We Find a Pity Party

2011-09-30T16:30:00.001-04:00

Most days, I am OK with it. Most days, I can focus on how much better I feel and how grateful I am for figuring out why I was feeling so lousy all the time. Most days, I think about how much better I eat now and how many new and wonderful recipes I have tried and all the new foods I have discovered like Quinoa. Today is not one of those days.

Fridays are a crazy kind of day at my house. Work, then home, then off to get the C.S.A. basket, then dinner and then errands. I used to do errands on Saturday morning, but it ended up eating half the day and I'm too fried on Friday nights to do much more than shop anyhow. A long time ago, when football games and field hockey became part of our normal routine, I instituted a "Friday night is an easy dinner" kind of rule. If it was complicated or took a lot of time, we weren't having it on a Friday.

Up for tonight, is "Grown Up Grilled Cheese" sandwiches and chips. Basically, someone thought of the great idea of merging BLT's and Grilled Cheese and that's what they called it. It is soooooooooooo good. In order for us to have it for dinner however, I need to make bread for my girl. Her soy allergy means 99% of all packaged bread products sold in the USA are off limits for her. So I make bread, and rolls, and waffles and pancakes and other such things. For her, and for them, because homemade is better and I love them.

I was fine this morning putting it all in the bread machine and hitting "GO" (on a delay timer). I was fine all day thinking about dinner and how mine was going to be on gluten free bread (not the greatest thing ever) with no bacon. Fine with all of it actually. Then my day got long, and my head started to hurt, and at the end of the day, I couldn't wait to get home. I walked through the door and was hit with the smell of my most favorite bread baking in the machine. The warm, yummy, wheat-laden smell of the best bread I've ever made in my life. It's good stuff. I've made it so often I don't even need the recipe anymore. When my SIL couldn't have dairy over the summer, I made it into rolls for our 4th of July cookout. It is that good.

I put my school bag down, and my lunch box, and my water jug, and I walked out into the front room, far from the kitchen where the bread still had 15 more minutes to cook and stared out the front door. As I stood there, thinking of how much my head hurt and how tired I was and how it wasn't fair that I couldn't eat the same bread as the rest of my family tonight, I had to fight back the tears. In the grand scheme of life, I am very fortunate and I know that. Other people have it far worse than I do, and while I'm not happy about that, it helps to put it into perspective. But today, when I'm still not 100% over the viral infection that kicked my arse these past 2 weeks, and my head is pounding but my Neurologist hasn't called me back yet so we can switch my meds and I've realized that something in my school building is making me reactive while I'm at work... today I can't do it. So I'm going to put on my big girl pants during dinner and pretend that it's all fine and good, but inside the unfairness of it all is threatening to bury me alive.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-09-27T06:13:00.001-04:00

108. The way his cool lips feel on my hot forehead, as he's not afraid to catch my germs.

109. Ironing, which quiets my soul and keeps me grounded.

110. The genuine way they were all glad to see me and inquired to how I was feeling.

111. The sweet taste of pure vanilla ice cream. The first thing I've been able to taste in days.

112. Third graders playing recorders for the first time.

113. A day to rest, and recover.

114. Warm sunshine on an early fall afternoon

Somewhere Down the Road

2011-09-26T05:40:00.001-04:00

So much pain and no good reason why
You've cried until the tears run dry
And nothing here can make you understand
The one thing that you held so dear
Is slipping from your hands
And you say

Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say is

[Chorus:]
Somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Though we cannot see it now
Somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road

Yesterday I thought I'd seen it all
I thought I'd climbed the highest wall
Now I see the learning never ends
And all I know to do is keep on walking
Walking 'round the bend, saying

Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say is

[Chorus]

Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say is
All I know to say now

[Chorus]

*Amy Grant

One Thousand Gifts

2011-09-21T16:15:00.002-04:00

101. A steaming hot cup of coffee in the quiet morning hours.

102. Sunlight shining through the colored leaves of fall.

103. That he seems to be on the road to "better".

104. A brand new doctor who is willing to find the answers, even if I am a bit "baffling".

105. That she is not suffering any longer, and has gone home to be with our Savior.

106. A husband who picks up the slack when I am stricken ill.

107. A brief break from the splitting headache I've had since yesterday morning.

In Which We Find a Day at The Farmer's Market

2011-09-15T20:02:00.000-04:00

Each Tuesday and Saturday, from early May until early October, you can find local folks selling produce and homemade wares in the center of Keene. At 9am, a gentleman walks down the middle of the market and blows what I think is a bike horn. No one is allowed to purchase any items until that horn blasts, but you are allowed to "window shop" and you can set aside items at some of the booths.

Having had the good fortune to work the blueberry farm's booth at a Saturday market this summer, I have a whole new appreciation for it. To say there's a lot of energy in the air at market would be a gross understatement. It's a little bit crazy. Ok, it's a lot crazy. But it's soo much fun. The day I was there went by pretty quick due to how busy we were all day long. I'm hoping to be able to work every Saturday next summer.

Some of the nicest folks own farms and grow produce or raise livestock in our region. They will happily stand and chat with you about their farm, or the way that they nourish their plants, or how they feed their chickens that laid the eggs you are about to buy. On top of farmer's we also have some folks who make furniture, jewelry and sell plants of all sorts. It's a lovely thing and I look forward to the end of August when I no longer have to miss out on market due to work.
Last Saturday I brought along my camera and snapped photos of some of my favorite things at market. I love the way some of the grower's pile their produce up on tables, (The gentleman who grows the yummy veggies in the first photo keeps the booth next to ours and is delightful. I buy from him often), and some use baskets. I can't buy the granola, but I love how they sell it in mason jars, which is how I store the granola that I make at home. If you've been here a while, you know how much I love galvanized pails. Especially if they contain flowers.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-09-12T06:02:00.000-04:00

94. A day off to spend with my family.

95. Hugs from former students on the playground.

96. The way the light is changing, signaling autumn's pending arrival.

97. Her thoughtful words of love for me, even though I snapped at her.

98. Time spent in service of others, and deepening friendships in the process.

99. Strong, warm arms that wrapped around me during time spent together watching a movie.

100. The awesome beauty of nature.

We Will Never Forget

2011-09-11T09:35:00.000-04:00

"The stern hand of fate has scourged us to an elevation where we can see the great everlasting things that matter for a nation; the great peaks of honour we had forgotten - duty and patriotism, clad in glittering white; the great pinnacle of sacrifice pointing like a rugged finger to heaven." ~David Lloyd George

Just Barely...

2011-09-09T23:28:00.002-04:00

2011 will be a year that stays in my memory for a long, long time. I can rattle off some other significant years; the year of my car accident, the year I got married, the years my kids were born, the year we bought our house and so on and so forth. There is a year of my life where my job was so awful that I've actually lost entirely. Sad thing is, it's half of two different calendar years, but I don't remember any of it, except for how awful things were at school. I can tell you how hard the year was after my nephew Max died, or about the year that I thought for sure my entire world was going to fall apart or about the year that had that we had so many snow days we were in school until almost the end of June.

This year however, this year is kicking my rear. It started out on such a great note. I was in a good place for the first time in a long time, and during January I went away on an amazing retreat that changed my life in so many different ways. I really had high hopes for the year. Goals for myself and things I wanted to work on. Plans for the house and the yard and a million other things that were rattling around in my brain.

February came, and we all know how much I loathe February as it is, and everything changed. Health issues cropped up. I stopped running (mostly due to the aforementioned). Projects I had been working on stalled. My faith wavered and my spirit was crushed. The wind was literally knocked right out of my sails. Six and a half months later, and I feel like I'm still struggling so hard to get back to where I was in January. I am tired, and cranky, and just worn down. Part of me wishes I could just rewind to that fateful week, and do it differently. The rest of me thinks that in the end, all of this will be worth it to finally have some answers. The part that is barely hanging on... well... right now I'm glad the knot at the end of my rope is pretty big.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-09-05T11:23:00.001-04:00

85. My friends and loved ones are all safe after the storm.

86. Catching up with co-workers after a long summer apart.

87. Hugs from former students who are genuinely happy to see me.

88. The soft light of the sun coming up over the mountain.

89. Scott's text of gratitude, which came straight from his heart.

90. Laughter shared around the dinner table.

91. Catching up with old friends and family.

92. Heart to heart talks that needed to happen.

93. Forgiveness and understanding.

The Halls of Higher Acadameia

2011-09-01T20:45:00.001-04:00

I still remember the day he started Kindergarten. We were living in the city then, not too far away from the elementary school. That seems to be a theme with our places of residence. He was really ready to start the year before, the one that he turned 5, but in NH the cut-off date is September 30th. His birthday is at the tail end of December and they said absolutely not. We spent that year doing alphabet writing and working on sounds and reading simple words and cool workbook pages from a book I picked up at Wal-Mart. The first day of school we walked down the hill together, and he could barely contain his happiness about finally getting to go to school. The whole way home he was chatty and excited about his teacher and his new friends and all the things he had learned, but he was not impressed about rest-time and did they really expect him to nap after lunch?! (for the record, he stopped napping right after Ashley was born when he was 2.5. I should've known then he'd be a handful)

She was not impressed that he could go to school and she had to stay home with me. Oh sure, she could still watch her favorite shows, and play, and take her afternoon nap (she has always been a good napper, in fact, she came home today and took one!), but she wanted to do everything that he did, and boy did school look exciting when we dropped him off. We moved out here the year he started first grade, and she still had one more year to go. She would go down and play on the playground at school during the off hours, and tell me about how she couldn't wait to get there. We got to go to school with her on the first day, as a kind of open house for kindergarten, and I don't know that she ever stopped smiling. Her day was a half day, unlike his full day, and I was secretly thrilled. The year she went off to first grade was the first year that I had them both gone from home all day. What a day that was for me.

Today, I sent them both off to High School. I can't quite wrap my brain around the fact that they are both old enough to be in High School, or that I'm old enough for them to be there. Next year, he will turn 18 during his senior year, and officially be an adult. How did we get here?? Next year, she will turn 16 during the summer after her sophomore year and be able to drive. I look at them, both taller than I am, and maturing in so many different ways, and I don't see responsible adults yet. Oh, I get glimpses, but more often I see toddler-type tantrums and behavior. I read somewhere that teenagers need as much sleep in a night as toddlers, and I decided that they are similar in more ways than that. I feel like I have failed them so often in their lives. There are so many things I could have done better, or said better, or handled better. So many opportunities to turn a situation around, and didn't. So many words said in anger that I wish I could take back. So many times I let my own temper get the best of me, when I could've taken a few breaths and sent myself for a time out. I only pray, that I have somehow, despite all my own failings and shortcomings, given them what they need to go off without me. At this rate, that day will be here in the blink of an eye. I don't know if *I'm* ready.

It Was a Dark and Rainy Day

2011-08-31T06:11:00.000-04:00

When I was 11 and starting my sixth grade year, we were threatened with Hurricane Gloria. I remember that they talked about it on the news for days, non-stop. Adults fretted like they are prone to do, and we all mostly ignored it. My mom got the idea in her head that she should tape up all the windows in the house, just in case the wind broke them, so that the glass didn't shatter everywhere. She used masking tape, which still amuses me to this day. They cancelled school, and all we got was a really tropical day, with some rain and mostly just wind. The neighborhood kids, free from the obligations of higher learning, all got together and we played a pretty rocking game of kickball for the afternoon. The wind added a challenging aspect that we enjoyed every minute of.

For the past week, the news staff put all of their attention on Hurricane Irene. We watched, and listened, and kept close track of the projected path, as it was due to come right through our back yard. (figuratively speaking). The Boy™ asked me to pick up 4 gallons of water when I did errands early in the week, and we put some plastic over a spot on the side of our house next to where the addition joins that we have noticed leaking from during the past few heavy rains. Further investigation shows the clapboard has rotted from splash up from the roof, but there was no time to fix that before the storm. As the storm got closer, they started talking about how it was going to past straight over our part of the state. How the parts of the state to our east would get heavy winds, and how the west of us would get really heavy rain. On Thursday morning, I brought in ALL of the items from my yard. The swing, the grill, the furniture, bird feeders and baths, garden stuff, my bench.. it all came in. I figured worst case, they were wrong and it wouldn't be that bad, and I'd lug it all back out again. I wasn't taking any chances on it becoming a projectile, or being damaged by falling trees or limbs.

As you know, Saturday I spent the day baking, out of both necessity and nervous energy. The eye was projected to travel straight through my town and continue up the state. On Sunday morning, they shifted it a little to the east and put us in the heavy rain/eye track. The call came in at 8:04am for The Boy™ to head to the Fire Department to open the Emergency Operations Center, and I stayed at home to wait it out. When the storm finally arrived, it broke apart into two. One part headed off to the east and one part went west, right through Vermont. Vermont, expecting only a bit of heavy rain, wasn't prepared for the storm the way we were. I've seen footage of whole buildings swept down river, a car containing people that got caught in a river, and sadly watched as two covered bridges were washed away. They will be cleaning up from this for a long time. Parts of western MA took a very heavy hit, as did areas of NY.

Being in the path of the eye, we were very lucky. We did have some heavy rain, and winds. A few trees in our town went down, taking out the power with it, but we only lost ours for a short time. In my own yard, we lost some dead limbs from the maple trees in the back yard, and some small branches all over the rest. Lots of leaves came down, and as some of them are starting to turn already, it looks a lot like fall. All of it is superficial. We are safe, our friends are safe, and all of our family members are safe, and that is what really matters.

Love In a Freezer Bag

2011-08-29T08:34:00.000-04:00

Part of living in an allergic household, is having to do a lot of your own cooking and baking. I love cooking and baking, so this really doesn't bother me too much, I just don't always have the time for the things that we don't need for dinners. Part of my "New School Year's Resolutions" is to make time to get safe breakfast foods into the freezer on a regular basis. Knowing that we were due for a hurricane on Sunday with potential power outages, I spent a good part of Saturday in the kitchen.

Years and years ago, when I still lived at home, my mother bought a cookbook for her bread machine called, The Bread Machine Cookbook by Beth Hensperber. I enjoyed the breads from that book so much, that when I moved out and got my own bread machine, I bought the same book. I have used it so often over the years that it is tattered, stained, and the spine is broken. I have influenced others to buy it just by serving them bread that I made from the recipes. It is that good. As you know, I also have The Bread Bible cookbook, which is also by her. All of the recipes you will see here came from those books.

I started out making rolls. These rolls are soft, chewy and delicious. They are easy to make, but you can't make them on the delay cycle of the machine, so you have to either make them the day that you need them, or make them ahead and freeze them. Once school gets started, they are great for hurried dinners before football games or jazz band rehearsal. I have made these countless times, and I still haven't nailed down how to get them all the same size. Because I do so much roll making (we haven't found any store bought rolls that don't contain soy), I spent the money and got a burger pan. It forces the rolls to rise up and round and it was worth every penny. The only drawback, is that it only makes 6 rolls, and my recipe calls for 8. I used to make the 2 extra round, but they always looked sad next to the others, so now I make them torpedo style and we keep a bag of those in the freezer as well.

We have a bunch of zucchini's in the fridge, and while I love eating them over rice, or sauteed as a side dish, there's just something about green bits of zucchini baked up into a nice bread. I haven't tried this recipe before, as I enjoy the recipe I've always used, which makes 2 nice loaves. This recipe appealed to me however, because it not only used less oil, it had less ingredients. I had such good luck with the banana bread recipe from The Bread Bible that I wanted to try it out. Sadly, due to my gluten intolerance, I can't try it out. You might have noticed that my Bread blog has been neglected, because I'm still trying to figure out how, and if, to blog about the recipes I can't eat. These have gone into the freezer, and The Boy™ has promised to give me a full, honest comparison to how they measure up to our usual ones when he tries it. I left the cup of mini chocolate chips that I usually throw in out this time around, so I could hear how the recipe worked out as written. I'll let you know what he says.

Last up, I made a batch of both Buttermilk Waffles and Buttermilk Pancakes. After they are cooked, I let them cool for a bit on the plate, and then take a large cookie sheet lined with wax paper, and working in single layers separated with wax paper, stack them up and pop them in the freezer for a few hours. When they are frozen, I take them out and put them into freezer bags. This keeps them from sticking together, and allows the hungry person reaching into the bag to just grab a few and go. You can either heat them in the microwave, or pop them into the toaster oven, or a combination of both. It takes no longer than pouring a bowl of cereal and is much better than a package of Pop Tarts (my son's quick breakfast of choice), and is a much healthier option.

I will have to admit, that this is the first time I've done such a big day of baking since going gluten free, and I had a moment in the middle of it when I was feeling sorry for myself and really dwelling on how awesome my kitchen smelled and that I couldn't eat one single thing that I was making. I couldn't help but compare how fluffy and light the pancakes were compared to the flat, dense gluten free ones I made for myself earlier in the week, and I admit, I felt a little cheated and angry. In the midst of it all, however, the quiet voice of Grace reminded me of all the wonderful things that I can eat. I started to think about how grateful I am that it's not an actually life or death allergy, like my daughter has, or a intestinal destroying auto-immune disease like Celiac. I thought about all the wonderful foods that I've been introduced to because of it, and I was humbled. It doesn't make dealing with any of it easier, but it puts it into a bit of perspective. It allowed me to spend the day making my family foods that I can't eat, because they mean that much to me. When I was done, and my son asked why I was making stuff that I couldn't eat, I answered him simply, "Because I love you."

One Thousand Gifts

2011-08-28T21:05:00.000-04:00

78. Crossing things off the never ending to-do list.

79. One last sunny day of work up the hill, and a genuine feeling of "we'll miss you" at the end of it.

80. A new, male OB-GYN doctor (it was a surprise), and the unexpected immediate acceptance of him due to his gentle and thoughtful personality.

81. The way she listens without judging, and lets me complain, even if it's about her dad.

82. A bountiful basket full of delicious produce from my C.S.A. farm share.

83. Love in a freezer bag.

84. That the storm wasn't as bad as expected, and all my family and friends are safe.

A Bountiful Harvest

2011-08-27T08:36:00.001-04:00

A tisket, a tasket, an overflowing basket....
This little rhyme runs through my head each week when I arrived at Tracie's Farm to pick up my C.S.A. share. I have wanted to buy a share each year for the past few, but finances kept me from being able to do so. Last summer, my good friend C worked at the farm for her single share, and it was more than she could eat alone, so she shared it with us. That was enough to convince me that this summer we needed to get our own. On top of that, since discovering I have a sensitivity to chemicals, pesticides and preservatives, it just made more sense. I love that I can reach into my crisper drawer and pull out, well, anything, and not have to worry about how it was grown.

Tracie is onAe of the nicest, most down to earth people that I know, and if I didn't already have a summer job, I would go work on her farm. This year, when we had to work around Ms. Thang's soybean allergy (she gives out soybeans one week during the summer), she took extra precautions with our basket including having the staff wash their hands after they picked them, after they passed them out, and she even moved our basket to a table in the back of the barn by itself in case any plants drooped out of someone else's basket and touched our produce. She is the best kind of people. On top of the produce she grows, we can also buy local made cheese, fresh eggs, cut flowers and a locally made ice cream from her. I usually get my eggs from C, but this weekend I want to do a lot of "baking for the freezer" and so I picked up a dozen yesterday when I got my basket.

We get a family share, which is the perfect amount of produce for us. We have salads every weekend, when the produce is the freshest, as our pick up day is Friday. We have tried new recipes I've found using eggplant and summer squashes, along with the greens from early summer. I have also taken to blanching and freezing some of our bounty to enjoy in the dead of winter such as green beans and carrots. The best part, is that because I do my grocery shopping on Friday, I can see what is in our basket, and adjust my dinner menu ideas around that if need be. Tracie sends out an email every weekend letting us know roughly what will be harvested that week, so I usually go by that.The season lasts until October, and then, we can sign up for a fall share, and another one again in the spring. I'm seriously considering both.

The photos below show what was in my basket this week. Obviously the contents change every week depending on what's ready, but we never feel that we haven't received more than our money's worth. As Alton Brown would say, this is good eats!

Farewell to Summer

2011-08-26T15:31:00.002-04:00

It always saddens me, every year, when we get to this day... the one before we go back to work. Oh, I know, we still have the weekend, but weekends don't really count, do they? This is, however, the first whole weekend I've had off since early July, and for that I'm thrilled. I'm less thrilled about the hurricane that is coming as it's mucked up our plans to go to the lake (sigh, why has this been such a hard thing this summer, every time we plan it, it rains!), but I think we'll head out to the movies tomorrow afternoon instead. What we do, really doesn't matter to me as much as doing it together.

I realized, as I sat outside with my daughter this afternoon, knitting in the sunshine, that I'm not sad that school is starting. I look forward to the start of each new year. I love my job. I love when we get a new group of students, all fresh and rested and eager to learn. I love catching up with my coworkers and getting back into the swing of the school year. I love the routine that comes with school. Typically, I don't let my routine fall apart during the summer, but this year it all went to heck. In fact, it started back during February break, when my whole life kind of fell apart. I feel like I've been struggling since then to put it back together, to no avail. I'm really hoping that school will get things back on track. I look at the start of the school year the way some people look at New Years. No one is committed to change in the dark, dead of winter. Oh you can say you are, but really.. the cold and gloominess does you in. Fall is a much easier time to implement change, especially if your job starts over again, as mine does.

So as we get ready for workshop days, and hurricanes, and the first bell to ring on Wednesday (if the weather cooperates), I am going to spend the weekend with my family. Puttering about my house, doing some crafty things, baking pancakes and waffles to put in the freezer for them to grab on those rushed mornings, and just enjoying my family. If we can't go to the lake, and enjoy a lazy evening in the backyard around the table after a grilled dinner, so be it. Maybe we'll say farewell to summer next weekend instead.

In Which We Find the End of My Summer Job

2011-08-23T20:11:00.000-04:00

During a rather cold and bitter day in the middle of February, I found myself daydreaming about being up the hill at the farm picking blueberries. I remembered how warm the sun felt on my skin as I spent the days outside, picking berries in the morning and helping customers get to where they needed to be and grading/packing in the afternoon. I thought about how nice the solitariness of it was.. just me and my music passing away the time in the fresh air. It was a nice daydream that got me through some rather awful winter days.

School ended in June, and I had an unexpected extra week off, as we didn't start picking berries until the middle of July this year. I remember how pleased I was to get back up there, out in the sunshine and fresh air. This summer was different than last summer in a lot of ways. I started out picking raspberries in the morning, then blueberries in the afternoon. When that ended, I switched to currants, and then tomatoes in the morning, and blueberries in the afternoon. Then, due to the weather not cooperating, I picked blueberries in the morning, and in the afternoon. I enjoyed the change a lot, but it made for some very exhausting days.

Last summer's drought, combined with the harsh winter and wet spring really fowled up the blueberry crop this year. As a result, we have far less berries than last summer, which means we have done far less picking. We had to say no to all wholesale orders this year, and the pickers had a lot of days of. Lucky for me, being an "old hand" and an excellent worker, I still got to work on those days, but we also had a lot of rainy days off which we had only two of all last summer. You heard me right, two all summer long. The berries that are worth picking are being saved for the customers to pick and so I arrived at today, my last day up the hill, ready to be done. It was a long day that involved a morning in the tomato house, and an afternoon of frustrating picking in the middle of the "bog" (it's a field above the stream that stays pretty wet at the bottom) and some packing at the end of the day.

I start working at school again on Monday, and having had such a busy summer working, I am entirely not ready to go back. I need some days off to enjoy summer, and I'm hoping the weather these next few days will cooperate and our trip to the lake Saturday will happen. It's not nearly enough, but it will have to hold me over. Next summer I will head back up there, a little earlier in the season to start with raspberries, and some of our laziest workers who made this summer so very challenging will no longer be there. I am daydreaming about it already.

*photos from last summer

One Thousand Gifts

2011-08-22T12:04:00.003-04:00

71. An effort being made for more discussions.

72. A rainy day to spend doing whatever I pleased.

73. The way her bangs flip across the side of her eye, and she brushes them away while she eats.

74. The conversations they have about technology that only they can understand.

75. The gift of acceptance, and love.. no matter what.

76. A large watermelon, given away at the end of the Farmer's Market.

77. A stolen moment, shared together in the kitchen.

Randomness on a Tuesday

2011-08-16T22:32:00.000-04:00

1. It has been raining since the middle of Sunday afternoon. On Sunday, I felt cranky about it, because The Boy™ and I were going to take a picnic and travel out to a winery in VT to celebrate our anniversary which was on Saturday. Our original plans involved a weekend away in Burlington, but that wasn't going to work, so we modified. Mother nature had other plans and so we will push it off, and maybe a winery in the fall will be nicer. As a result of all this rain, I had the day off today. It was too wet to pick berries and so I crossed a dozen things off my should've-done-this-already list, did far too much screwing off, and worked on a new crochet project that I started this weekend.

2. School starts exactly two weeks from tomorrow. One week from today I will work my last day up at the blueberry farm. Two weeks ago from yesterday we will converge upon a local farm and meet for our start of the year workshop day and catch up and laugh and share and go over new policies and procedures that make us want to poke our eyes out and at the end of the day we will be exhausted, yet happy to be back. I'm So. Not. Ready. I'm not done with summer yet. I haven't been to the lake. In fact, I haven't been swimming once. My yard is a mess. My gardens are weedy. There are "fluffy summer reading" books to be read and lounging in the yard to be done. Can we have one more month.. please?

3. Band camp is this week. As a result of this, last night was our first Band Booster meeting. If you don't have children in HS, or band, in a nut shell.. Band Boosters is PTO for the band. We spent an hour and 45 minutes meeting and only covered September. September is going to be busy and crazy and I knew it was coming, and again.. So. Not. Ready. Is it October yet? Please? Oh wait, October is looking pretty full as well. I seem to remember that we get a break in January, even though that's when rehearsals for the spring musical start up. Maybe it was .. no.. May is crazy too. Right, July. But that is when I go back to work, and Mr. Man is probably going to be off at M.I.T. again. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. (photo is from Shriner's a few weekend's ago)

4. Tonight, while dinner was cooking, I whipped up my first batch of anything that included gluten free flours. I cheated, and bought a gluten free flour mix from King Arthur. I have used K.A. flours for years and I love them, so when I saw they made a G.F. flour mix I was thrilled. More importantly, it's soy and nut free, which I can't say about a lot of the other gluten free flours that one would use to create any kind of mix on their own following the millions of "my mix is the best" formula's on the web. I made a Gluten Free Blondie recipe that was based on the Toll House cookie recipe. You read that right.. it was like a thick, chewy, cookie in brownie form. I was a little nervous when I measured out my first cup of flour and felt how heavy it was... but people. These were delicious, and there was no xanthan gum which pleases me as well. Now I'm not one of those people who's going to go out and buy all sorts of mixes and products and stuff just because they are gluten free. I didn't eat a lot of deserts before and I rarely if ever eat boxed or processed foods (although I do miss those delicious crispy wheat crackers and honey graham sticks that Back to Nature makes), so I'm not going to start now. I just want a handful of really GOOD gluten free deserts that I can make if we are having company for dinner, or have to go somewhere (my next challenge is to find a good biscuit recipe for shortcake). I want a few good recipes for bread, or pancakes or banana muffins. Something a little different for breakfast, or if I am really craving toast or a sandwich. I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe.. I can make this work.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-08-15T14:01:00.001-04:00

64. The first hug I've gotten from my son in I can't remember how many years.. as he left for his last week at MIT this summer.

65. A lovely day spent just wandering around shops with good friends, good food and good laughs.

66. He makes dinner on the nights I work at the farm so that I can come home hot, tired, and dirty and get right into the shower.

67. A pile of flip flops and some giggly girls who filled my unexpected day off with endless entertainment.

68. My boy coming home.

69. A smile and a kind word from a stranger, when I was feeling far from friendly.

70. Flowers, in honor of our anniversary, and the most touching card I've received in a long time.

A New Kind of Normal

2011-08-14T20:03:00.000-04:00

pizza dough, rising on the counter

When Ashley first was diagnosed with her food allergies back during the winter, I remember how relieved I was that it was only soy and nuts. I still recall how hard it was those first weeks when we would go grocery shopping, and realize how much of the food supply contains soy, or is manufactured on shared equipment with nuts and/or soy. We adapted, and over came, and as a result, do more of our own cooking at home. We did a lot of home cooking to start with, but now we rely on a lot less processed foods, which has been such a blessing in disguise. I have always enjoyed cooking, and as a result of all this, we have tried some pretty delicious recipes and discovered great new products, such as Back to Nature crackers.

quinoa crust, fresh out of the oven waiting for toppings

One of the things I was most grateful for, at the time, was that gluten wasn't an issue we had to deal with. A few months after she was diagnosed, I began the long trip down the road to discovering why I felt so crummy all the time. I started out with an elimination diet, and for a while, I felt amazing. Slowly I added back in all the foods I had cut out, and sure enough.. eventually I started to feel unwell again. My headaches came back, my stomach became bloated and swollen and felt what I can only describe as "icky". It wasn't an allergy, so it didn't crop up right away, and as a result I couldn't nail it down. After months of trial and error.. it turns out that my arch nemesis is gluten. I was tested for Celiac Disease, which fortunately I do not have, but I do have what they call Non-Celiac Gluten Intolerance. Which means it's not a wheat allergy, and it's not an auto immune disorder that is attacking my intestines (Celiac), but my body can't tolerate gluten.

one of these pizza's is doing it's own thing....

It's one of those discoveries that is heartbreaking and relieving all at the same time. I am so relieved that I have figured out the cause, because now that I have cut gluten back out of my diet, I feel so much better again. But.. gluten... oh gluten. It's no secret that I love bread. I love to bake it, I love the smell of it warm out of the oven or bread machine, and I love to eat it with butter melting into the open air pockets. Not having traditional bread/pasta/wheat products has been heartbreaking. On top of that, it's like starting over again after having already had to come up with a new "normal." Except this time, it's harder. When I was making my grocery list on Friday, Corey asked if we could have pizza for dinner on Sunday, and I agreed. He's been gone all summer, and it's one of his most favorite foods. I figured I'd just have something else instead, and was OK with that too. I'm not about to overhaul the eating habits of the whole family again, when I can adapt to suit my needs.

On Saturday, I found a recipe online for pizza crust made out of Quinoa, which I just happened to have in my pantry. I figured I'd try it, because worst case, it was awful and I would stick with my original plan. As luck would have it, it was wonderful. You can't go into gluten free eating expecting food to taste like a substitution for wheat products, because there isn't one. I think this is the area most people struggle with. Gluten free bread will never taste like regular bread because it can't. It is not made of the same ingredients. I went into my pizza experience excited about trying something new, and I was not disappointed. It was sooooooooooooooooooooo good. I can't even tell you how good it was, because you would have to try it for yourself to believe me. It was chewy, and delicious and because there wasn't that "doughy crust" you often get with regular pizza, especially if you make your own dough... the ingredients I put on top really got to shine. It was awesome and I'm looking forward to having again. The Boy™ tried a piece, declared he liked it better than regular pizza, and then had another piece, after having already had the regular kind. In fact, he liked it so much, he took the leftovers to work today for lunch. That is saying something.

Who Has the Pause Button?

2011-08-12T06:07:00.000-04:00

It has been a busy summer that has gone by far too fast. The weather has been beautiful, in my opinion. Sunny and hot, just like summer should be, with enough rain thrown in to keep things green and watered. On August 29th I will head back to work at school, and I am So.Not.Ready. Usually I get to the end of summer, and I feel ready to go back. That I've done all of the "summer things" I wanted to get done, and I'm ready to get back in the swing of a school routine and see the kids and my coworkers and we all know that I love fall. But not this year.

When I submitted my hours for working this summer, I requested Sunday's and Monday's off. I thought that it would be a nice change from having Mon and Wed off last year which just felt awkward all summer long. Two days would give us a chance to take day trips, or do some family things together. What I couldn't know at the time, was that Corey would be off at MIT and having him home some weekends would tie up my free Monday's and that our school district bailing and becoming a new SAU of it's own would tie up some of The Boy's™. On top of that, family events popped up on the weekends, and well, here we are two weeks away from summer's end and I feel a little pout-y.

We haven't been to the lake one time, nor have I been swimming. As hot as it's been this summer, I know that's hard to imagine. We only got a chance to go hiking once, and we haven't taken any day trips at all. My gardens are over grown with weeds, the lawn is in major need of a cut, and so are the hedges. If I said I felt rested and ready to go back, I would be a big, fat liar. I keep trying to remind myself, that in a few years they will both be gone and things will slow down and be quiet. Which makes me grateful and sad all at the same time. I don't want to rush this, I just want a little less crazy and a little more time to enjoy summer.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-08-07T09:11:00.000-04:00

57. The quiet voice of forgiveness, even when my heart is still hurting.

58. The rain that is watering my garden and giving life to my yard, that came at the end of my work day and not the beginning.

59. The way she smiles while she is txting her friends as she sprawls across the couch.

60. A sunny afternoon picking plums in an orchard. I love my summer job.

61. A husband who steps up and makes a delicious dinner when he knows I am too tired to lift my arms to hug him at the end of my work day.

62 .Having my boy home, even if it's just for one night and tomorrow morning.

63. Our Armed Forces, who give their lives every day so that I may enjoy living in freedom. God Bless them all.

Strong Legs Run...

2011-08-06T20:34:00.003-04:00

.. so that weak legs may walk.

Today was the 58th annual Shrine Maple Sugar Bowl, played up in Windsor, VT. NH's All-Star football team, made up of this year's top graduated seniors took on VT's All-Star football team in a game that also serves as a fundraiser for the Shrine Hospitals of New England. The three hospitals treat children, regardless of ability to pay, for things such as burns, spinal cord injuries and orthopedic conditions. It's a great day, fueled on in part by the fact that NH has kicked VT's butt every year for the last 11, including this one.

During half-time, a show is performed by the All-Star band, made up of H.S. students specially selected from both states, who come together after rehearsing individually all summer, for 2 days of grueling field work and show creation. It's hot, it's sweaty, and they have a lot of fun. I am always amazed by how well these kids can pull of a field show after running it for only what's really a day and a half, as they don't check in until noon on Thursday. I know adults who would need a month. I guess that's why they are "All-Stars".

This was Corey's second summer playing, and the first time I was able to go. Last summer was a mandatory work day due to a huge celebration at the blueberry farm. This summer I was able to switch weekend days with someone who had today off so that I was able to go. Not being a huge football fan (I admit it, I don't understand football one bit. Give me hockey or baseball any day).. I only go to see the band. They played some selections that they played last year, and some that were new to them this year. I particularly enjoyed hearing Lady GaGa played on band instruments. After half time they have a special awards ceremony for the band, and then everyone leaves. I found out later that NH won, which is really quite awesome for us. Go White!

It's about an hour and a half drive home from Windsor, and when we rolled into the driveway it was around 7pm. Corey lugged his stuff onto the porch, and knelt down to pat Bella who has been missing him TONS since he has been gone most of this summer. Exhaustion got the best of him, and he fell asleep right where he was in the doorway. I woke him up after half an hour so that he didn't get hurt, and then he crashed on the couch, woke up long enough to have dinner, and went to bed. Glad to have him home, even if it's just for a short while, before he heads back for his last week at MIT.

Rainy Afternoon Fun

2011-08-01T18:37:00.001-04:00

A while ago, I made plans with my friend to spend some time together and end the day with dinner at my house. On Thursday, I realized that I was feeling overwhelmed with how my life has been so crazy as of late and how I hadn't had a real day off in ages, and she offered to give up our plans. She's a great friend. I asked if we could change them, and instead just plan on her and her mom (who's staying with her this summer and I love) coming for dinner and games after. We play cards or a board game or something fun to pass the evening. Because she's so awesome, she never once complained about our plans changing and happily accepted.

The past few weeks I've been really struggling with the lack of communication thing I mentioned in an earlier post. It's one of those things that weighs you down until you feel like you are drowning under the weight of it all. After 3 or 4 days of minimal talk, forget actual communication, yesterday I woke up in a really dark mood about it all. I tried to turn it around, and by noon I realized it wasn't to be. I txt'd my friend, because I was too ugly to talk on the phone and told her I wasn't up to pretending that I was in a good mood or that there was peace in my house. She told me she hoped my weekend got better and we'd get together soon. Such a great friend, did I mention that?

Today I had the day off, and Ms. Thang mentioned we should do something fun after the dentist appointment I had. I came home, ate some late lunch and called up my friend and asked if her and mom wanted to join us girls for some mini golf. The sky had gotten dark, but it passed and the sun was back out so we made plans to meet at 2:30. Around 2:10 Ms. Thang informed me that severe thunderstorms were forming in our county and they just issued an alert. We looked at the sky, and went anyhow. Golf only costs $3 (it was $2 all the we've lived here before this.. still a steal if you ask me!) and we figured we'd wait out the rain if it started.

First came the thunder. Then a crack of lightning. We made it to the second hole when the big, fat rain drops started in, so we took shelter under the covered bridge of the third hole. We laughed and chatted as the storm raged on around us. Finally the rain subsided, and we continued our game. Somewhere, halfway through the third hole, the hail started. We got to hole 5, and were driven back under the bridge by more rain and another round of thunder/lightning/wind. We arrived at the golf place at 2:30 and finished our game around 4:00. As we were at the 17th hole, a huge crack of lightning went from the sky, down to the ground somewhere west of us, and we hurriedly finished our game and left. The owner treated us all to free game passes and told us to come back when it was sunny. I thought that was generous of him, as we really enjoyed our time spent together, rain or no rain.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-07-31T16:52:00.000-04:00

50. The sparkle in her eyes every time someone wishes her a happy birthday.

51. Fresh pea pods, still warm from the summer sun

52. Finding rogue plants in the garden that grew from seeds that survived the harsh winter

53. An unexpected evening alone with The Boy™

54. The rain that both watered my garden and gave me an unplanned day off

55. A summer job that lets me enjoy the outside and sunshine even when I have to work on a Saturday.

56. A quiet morning with the girl who is turning into a fine, young woman. (she also took that photo the other day on a walk)

In Which We Find a Missed Birthday

2011-07-29T14:11:00.001-04:00

Before you think that I'm a horrible, awful mother (though I am sure I have my moments).. I didn't miss her birthday. We celebrated it this past weekend in a grand manner that I will share about it a moment, I just missed coming and posting her birthday blog. Once my summer job starts, life tends to get a little bit crazy and I tend to be hot and exhausted when I get home. About all the energy I have left at the end of the day goes into dinner and chores. Sad, I know, but it is what it is. I love my job at the blueberry farm and wouldn't trade it for anything, but that's another post. We are here to talk about birthdays.

Last year, she left for camp on the day of her birthday. Not only did we not get to celebrate with her on her special day, I had to work and couldn't go to drop her off. The Boy™ helped her settle in and took the official "bunk photo" and I missed being there while I was busy at work. A lot. This year, she didn't go to camp. There are two reason's why. The biggest reason is her food allergies. Camp is nut free, so that wasn't an issue at all. However, last year, when we told camp she had to avoid Soy Milk (before we knew how involved her allergies really were), they took it to mean all soy and called us on the second day with a lot of concerns. Justifiably so, because all sorts of stuff that makes camp work has soy. Hot dogs, bread, rolls, etc etc etc. In order to safely send her to camp (and the camp is wonderful and would allow this), we would have to provide all her food for the entire 2 weeks. Not only is that a huge hassle, it would be very costly on top of the camp costs already. The other reason she didn't go this year was because in May she took a YMCA trip down to our nation's capital and our share after her fundraising was about what we pay for camp each summer. So she knew going in that camp was out this year, but I'm still sad that she has to miss out on something she loved so much.

This year, my mom came to visit us during her two week stay with my brother over this past weekend. On top of that, Mr. Man came home for the weekend to visit with Grandma and celebrate his sisters birthday. It was a little bit chaotic. Because we had to get them both back on Monday, which was the official day, we celebrated her birthday Sunday when I didn't have to work. She arranged for some friends to come over and have a camp out in the back yard, and The Boy™ brought a projector and sound system home from work and we had homemade pizzas and birthday cake and then watched Pirated of the Caribbean pt. 3 on the side of the house from the backyard. It was nothing short of fantastic. Three things would've made it better. 1. Homemade ice cream to go with our cake. 2. If the town could turn the blasted light off at the Police Station that shines on the back of our house. and 3. If I would've had time to make graham crackers so we could've had s'mores. Although, with the cake, I think we were pretty much all set. Sometime this weekend, before July officially ends I will write her birthday letter and say a quiet prayer that summer slows down just a little bit.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-07-24T20:02:00.000-04:00

43. An afternoon catching up with my oldest and dearest friend.

44. Summer days that feel like summer days should.

45. A simple dinner made with summer's bounty.

46. Getting to leave work early on a hot, sultry day when I was feeling like the heat was getting the best of me.

47. My mom and my son both here for a long weekend visit.

48. The grace of God that is teaching me when to be quiet and when to put a filter on the words that come out of my mouth when dealing with my extended family.

49. Getting to share in the Baptism of two newborn twins at church this morning.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-07-18T19:50:00.000-04:00

36. A lovely day spent with my girl.

37. Doctor visits that start early and end quick.

38. A beautiful sunny day picking berries up at the farm.

39. His willingness to be so flexible.

40. A conversation about God's grace in the middle of a berry patch.

41. A gathering of family full of laughter.

42. Witnessing and celebrating the union of two good friends.

He Always Asks the Hard Questions

2011-07-13T17:10:00.001-04:00

"If you could, would you do it over differently?"

I can't remember where we were now, perhaps in the car, him in the back seat, me in the front, but the question pierced through my heart. The question that I have been waiting to answer for 16 and a half years. The question that I have tried to answer in so many subtle ways over the years, hoping that I could impress upon him how much I love him and how grateful I am that he's in my life.

I took a deep breath and answered, "No, I would not." Without missing a beat, he said, "Why not?"

I went on with the usual explanation of how if I went back and did anything different, he wouldn't be here. Nor would his sister. I told him that my life might now have turned out the way that I thought it was going to, and I may have gone down a different road than I intended, but because of that, I was blessed with the two of them, and their father. I told him that I never regretted having him for one second. That I might have been scared and unready, but never for one millisecond did I ever consider him not being here. He didn't say anything, and that conversation has stuck with me.

Today, while I was up the hill picking blueberries in the sunshine, a song on my iPod jarred this conversation into my brain. I thought about the question again, and realized that I had heard it wrong. Because I have always been afraid that he would think I made a mistake by being pregnant at 19 and think that I blamed him for the way my life has turned out, that was what I heard when he asked the question. Thinking about it today, separated from the event and having had a few weeks pass, I realize he was asking something else. He was thinking about college, and school and his future, and he wanted to know if I could go back, would I do it over? Would I go to college and have what he considers a "better job" and maybe a better life for myself. In the quiet of the morning, with the birds chattering away in the background, I thought about that question. I let my mind wonder about what I might have done and where I might have gone and where I might be now.

If he were here, I would tell him the answer is still no. I may not have done all, or any of the things that I hoped that I could do.... but here is where I was intended to be. Right here, doing what I am doing. Maybe some days I get it wrong (ok, maybe a lot of days)... but I wouldn't change any of it. Without the past, I wouldn't be growing into the person I am today. I might have a long way to go, but I am getting there.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-07-10T08:12:00.002-04:00

29. An extra week off that I was not expecting this summer.

30. A new friend who gifted me with plants for my garden.

31. Canned tomato sauce from last summer that provided us with a wonderful dinner.

32. A body that can still go out and run 3 miles, even after a few months off.

33. The bounty in my C.S.A. basket, and the people who toil in the fields so hard to bring it to me every week.

34. A glorious hour spent reading in the sunshine before dinner, followed by a night of laughter playing Scrabble with my husband and daughter.

35. Dinner with good friends.

In Quiet and Silence the Truth Shall be Made Clear

2011-07-09T08:40:00.002-04:00

We drove along to the city to do our weekly errands. Him at the wheel of the car, me in the passenger seat. We traveled along this road that we have taken thousands of times in the past ten years, and the silence in the car was deafening. I sat in my seat, quietly looking out the windows and taking in the scenery that seems to change every time I pass by it. I noticed the flowers and plants that were blooming or growing in people's yards, noticed that the state had been through and done some mowing of the wild grasses and flowers that grow on the side of the road, and thought about how we got to this place in our lives. He stole glances in my directions every few minutes, and I knew he was wondering if something was wrong. Wondering if there was a reason why I was being so quiet, and trying to think if there was something that he had done to upset me. I noticed, of course, and wondered why he didn't say something.

As if on cue, he asked, "What are you thinking about?" I turned and looked at him, and asked, "Do you really want to know?" The look on his face said, "Not really, I think I might not like it." He replied, "Yes, I do."

In the long pause between when he replied, and when I answered, which seemed like an hour but in more reality was just a second or two, I replied in my head, "I'm thinking about how we got here. I'm wondering why we never talk... about how unless I initiate the conversation, or chatter on and on about my day or the kids or school or the garden or whatever non-important things I can think to fill the silence, that we don't talk. I'm wondering if you talk to the people that you work with, and it's only me that you can't communicate with. I'm wondering why, after 15 years, we keep having this same, tired conversation. Why you can't seem to understand that just existing together doesn't make a marriage. Why, while I appreciate that you do dishes, and housework, and cook dinners either alone, or with me, or take care of nasty jobs or do just about anything that I ask, and most times without complaining, that you can't understand how important connecting with each other is. I'm thinking about how tired I am of shouldering all the weight of keeping this working, and how sometimes the weight of it all seems like it might crush me. I'm wondering if it's me, if I'm doing something wrong and I just don't know what it is. Because you wouldn't tell me anyways."

What I said was, "I'm wondering why, unless I start the conversations, that we don't talk.Why, after all these years, I still have to start talking, or we just sit here in silence." He looked at me, and said, "I never feel like I have anything worth talking about." I looked out the window, and replied, "I feel like I'm tired of shouldering all the weight of making this work all the time."

We drove the rest of the way in silence. He continued to steal glances in my direction, as if to gauge what the seriousness of this situation was, but still not saying anything. I continued to look out the windows, wondering what he was thinking about, but knowing that even if I asked, he would reply with the usual, "Nothing really." The sadness of it all weighed heavy on my heart, and it continues even this morning.

He got up with me today, something that is a rare occurrence these past few years. I didn't get much sleep this past week, and it all caught up with me and I stayed in bed an extra hour and 15ish minutes this morning. We went about our morning, not really saying anything to each other, and I wonder how other couples spend their mornings together. Do they talk about their plans for the day? Comment about things going on in their lives? Tell one another how lucky they are to have each other or how beautiful one of them might be? Is it wrong of me to want all of that, when I am so blessed to have the rest? I sat in the chair and worked on a sweater I'm knitting, my fingers using the needles to knit the fabric together, the only noise the clicking of my needles and the hum of the washing machine. He turned on the news and sat down with his laptop, and I wanted to ask, "Do you turn on the T.V. to drown out the quiet?" but I didn't think that would help any.

I thought about my parents and how miserable they were all the years I was growing up. How they never talked, except to harp at one another, or yell or argue. How my mother was so sad and frustrated all the time, and my dad just paid her no attention. And I worry. I have worked so hard all these years, knowing where the road can leave if you don't work hard enough at the most simple things. I've seen it first hand, and I don't want to travel that road. There's a part of me that wants to just break the silence, chat about what we might do today, comment on the weather, or the rain we got last night. Mention how chatty the baby birds outside the window are getting and betting that they will be leaving the nest soon. The larger part of me feels like we need to deal with this head on. So I will pick up my needles, and continue with my sweater, listening to the birds, and the sounds of my needles. Wondering how long it will take for him to start the conversation, and if it will bet the important one that we so desperately need to have.

Evening Storms

2011-07-07T10:48:00.001-04:00

During the past week we have had some pretty major thunderstorms roll through in the evening. Each time they send out the warning for high winds and 2" hail, I worry about my garden. I have never seen 2" hail but in early June, Keene, which is just 10 miles north of here, got golf ball size hail. That's pretty big. That would be pretty devastating. Not just for me but for the local farmers who make their living on the land. Monday evening, right around dinner time (which I'm sure ruined a lot of cookouts) we got hit with a pretty major storm. It poured like it hasn't poured in a while. As is par for the course, our road flooded right in front of our house. There are drains on both sides of the road, but they are old and can't handle this kind of rain. One of my most favorite things to do, is watch the waves created by people who are crazy enough to try and drive through it.

Anytime we get heavy, drenching rains.. it comes along with flooding in our yard. The back yard floods, right under where our table sits. As long as we have owned our house there has been a table of some sort there, and it always floods in that same spot. The reason I don't move the table, is because it's the flattest spot out there that isn't smack out in the middle of the back yard. It's also under the shade of a gorgeous maple tree, which provides shade to the table and any meals that we wish to consume in the fresh air. It just works. We have talked about putting down interlocking teak squares and making a bit of a patio, but I think in light of the flooding, we might just make a platform for the grill to keep it out of the splashed up mud when it rains. I don't know if it was the wind or the force of the rain that knocked over the chairs, but I had quite a bit of clean up to do on Tuesday.

Last night, as the rain poured down again, this time with some crazy thunder and lightning, I watched as gallons and gallons of water poured down off the corner end of our metal roof. Each time it pours, and I witness this occurrence, I think about getting a rain barrel. All that water pours down, and could easily water my gardens for a week or more. The reason I don't have one yet? I can't find one that I like, and I'm worried that the amount of water that comes down would overfill the barrel. I'd really like a tall wine barrel that I could just put a screen over the top of, but I haven't come across one yet. The ones I've looked at online seem cheaply made and are ugly and costly. So I wait, and watch all that water go to waste. It really is quite something to witness.

Summer is for Salad

2011-07-06T08:32:00.001-04:00

I'm not a sandwich kind of girl when it comes to lunch. Growing up, the only option we had at my house for lunch was sandwiches. Peanut butter and jelly or cold-cuts and cheese. Sometimes we had tuna, but more often than not, it was the above choices. Sometimes for dinner we'd have grilled cheese, or a Steak-Um (remember that?) sandwich, but those were a rare treat. Don't get me wrong, I like a good sandwich. There is nothing like a grilled portobello cap sandwiched between the top and bottom of a fresh roll with roasted red pepper, lettuce leaves and fresh sliced tomato served with grilled sweet potato fries. Bring it on.. but not for lunch. I much prefer a pasta salad, rice and vegetables, soup, leftover dinner (sometimes), and salad. If I'm going to have tuna, I have it over baby spinach with kalamata olives and goat cheese. So much better than a boring sandwich.

One of my favorite things to have for lunch is a simple salad that I concocted over the winter. I know it goes against a body's desire for hearty, warming foods to eat salad in the winter, but I don't care. I start out with a base of either mixed greens, or spinach depending on what I have on hand. Sometimes I mix the two together if I have both in the fridge. I use at least 2 if not 3 cups of greens and no I don't measure. On top of that, I add an entire granny smith apple. I use a paring knife and cut around the core, then cut the 4 sections into large chunks. I don't peel it beforehand, but I do wash it and I only use organic apples. I react badly to the oil or wax they use on stored apples, so I avoid them. If I'm having this at work, I assemble the whole thing, but bring the apple and a paring knife so it doesn't go brown. Next up is about a quarter cup of dried cranberries. I use Ocean Spray Craisins, because they have simple ingredients and are local-ish to me. Next comes an ounce (about 15) of whole, dry roasted almonds (not salted) and about half an ounce of soft goat cheese, crumbled. I should mention that I buy my goat cheese in a log, and crumble it myself with a knife. I should also mention that I don't measure anything except for counting the almonds. I don't know why I do it, I just do. This salad it perfect just like that. You can also add a drizzle of real maple syrup for an indulgent dressing, but really, the flavors melt together beautiful when left alone. When it's really hot out, I crave this salad and could eat it every day. Every day. It's that good.

A New Garden

2011-07-05T11:02:00.002-04:00

Now that the fence has been replaced, and the herb garden has been developed, it was time to tackle the other side of the playhouse. The Tower of Doom™, while blending in just a little bit better, sticks out like a sore thumb from the back yard. On top of that, the cement slab still hasn't been buried yet, because it needs to be lowered one more time to put the router up. The router, however, costs a LOT of money, and The Boy™ is still saving. Once we bury around the base I plan to do some type of vines that will grow up the base of the tower and make it look a little prettier in the yard. Well, the part that's not 40 feet up in the air anyhow. In the meantime, I put in a flower garden behind it.

It all started when the wheelbarrow died. We inherited that thing with our house from the prior owners. I never understood why they left it behind until I went to buy a new one and realized how light and easy to push they are. The one we had is an old, heavy monster. I can't even tell you how heavy that thing is. It took 2 of us to carry it to the back yard once we got the wheels off. Anyhow, I'm getting ahead of myself. I bought us a new, shiny orange wheelbarrow and the old one stayed leaning up against the barn next to it. It needed to go to the dump but no one was looking forward to taking it there. One day in late-May I was out mowing the lawn in the back by both the playhouse and the back of the barn where the wheelbarrow's were, and I got a brilliant idea. What if the wheels and metal wheel base could come off, and I put it as the centerpiece of a new garden. As I mowed, I planned and plotted and daydreamed about the new garden I was going to build.

I got The Boy™ when I was done and he agreed with my suggestion that the wheel and metal bars could come off. He didn't ask why when I offered that I had an idea for it, if it worked.. he just did it. He's awesome like that. I would've asked a million questions and huffed if he wouldn't tell me. It took him a while, and some WD40, as those bolts were really rusted on there, but eventually he got it all taken apart. We lugged that thing over by the fence, and I rested it right on top of where one of the old pine tree stumps are still rotting in the ground. I can't grow anything there anyhow, so it was perfect. He agreed with keeping it there (if it was too hokey for him, I was going to abandon my idea) and the base of the garden was born.

Two of the plants back there were already in place. I put them back there last year with the idea of planting a flower garden, but that was as far as I ever got. You can see them on the far left near the fence post, and at the very left edge of the front of the wheelbarrow frame. I also put in perennial sweetpeas on two sides of the playhouse last year, and two of them survived the drought-filled summer and harsh winter. The plan is to lattice around the bottom of that which will keep the cat from leaving dead animals there, and give the plants a base to grow up into the posts of the playhouse.

I got the orange and red flowers at school for my birthday, and the pink geranium came from a friend, also for my birthday. I bought a 6 pack of annuals at the nursery, along with a morning glory and a shasta daisy. A co-worker gave me whatever that yellow flower is, and it will come back again next year. It's really starting to come along, and today I had blooms on my morning glory. I haven't ever planted one before, and I'm excited about it. Part of the plant wrapped around the base of the playhouse is growing up the left side near the sweet peas which is fun also. I love how it brightens up the back yard, and brings life to what was once a weedy, empty corner once we took the sandbox out.

linking to: Just a Girl

Let Freedom Ring

2011-07-04T06:53:00.006-04:00

Our annual 4th of July cookout this year was combined with celebrating my daughter's graduation from Middle School. She was a trooper and agreed that two big parties would be crazy. Here are some photos from before the party on Saturday. The weather was gorgeous and we had a really great time.

These flags have been on the fence since Memorial Day. The reason they are so straight, is umm.. because before I hung them up I ironed them. Issues much? :)

I never got around to putting up my indoor decorations, so I brought them outside and used them in the back yard. This Uncle Sam is a shelf sitter, but I always have him sitting in the wagon. I think it's more fun that way.

I created this little sitting area last year. I plan to spray paint that pot black, so it looks better, but it's a very handy table with that slate. I love the jar with the flags in it. That was a last minute idea.

Every year when I plant flowers in this pot, I use red, white and blue flowers from the nursery. I love how the planter came out this year.

Next year, we are getting another table. That striped plate is a candy cane plate I got on clearance after Christmas that works great for our party. I put galvanized pails in a milk bottle carrier, and put the flatware and napkins in it. I thought it was clever.

That basket is a Farmer's Market Basket that I got a bunch of years ago from Peterborough Basket, which is local to us. I use it to hold the packages of rolls. I love that the wipe out liner is red checked.

Happy 4th of July!!

linking to: Just A Girl , Between Naps On The Porch, Dittle Dattle
Funky Junk Interiors Itsy Bitsy Paper

One Thousand Gifts

2011-07-03T08:40:00.001-04:00

22. Good friends who make difficult situations easier.

23. Sore muscles at the end of the day that mean you worked hard.

24. Birthday cake at midnight, and the end of The Boy's™ birthday, to celebrate him, even if we had to spend his day doing crazy things.

25. Hearing the nest-full of baby birds making a ruckus outside of the window.

26. The willingness of a teenager to help when asked, without eye rolling and huffing.

27. Family and friends gathered in our yard, enjoying good food and each others company.

28. A snuggly cat who greets me in the morning and then tells me a big story about what she did all night.

To The Boy on His Birthday

2011-06-29T15:50:00.002-04:00

As I type this...we are on a train headed to bring our son to MIT. On your birthday. I would've complained. I would've grumbled about how this was the second time in a week that we had to make this trip, and what a lousy way it was to spend my birthday. You scoped out where to have dinner while we wait for the 4 hour class to get over so we can take him back to your parents house. When I realized I forgot my memory stick for the camera in my laptop, I was thinking about how dumb. I was and how I would miss out on photos from today. I was thinking about how I keep on doing this, and it's my own fault that I'm not going to have any photos of our adventures, or his first day of class at college. You informed me we would just buy a new card at North Station. That is the difference between you and I. I stress or worry or get upset. You shrug it off and go with the flow. You don't get upset, or angry often, and nothing much seems to phase you. You are the polar opposite of me. I think this is why our relationship has survived for so many years. You balance my crazy. You make me strive to be a better person. To not get so worked up about things. I love you. Happy birthday.

The Halls of Higher Academia

2011-06-28T08:49:00.003-04:00

Sometime, back during later winter, Mr. Man applied to MIT to take a summer class. Among the programs they offer to HS students, is one called Junction. It starts in late June, and runs through early August. It involves a 2 hour class beginning at 5pm Monday-Thursday, followed by dinner 3x a week, and then a week long seminar after and ends at 9pm. He had to write an essay and fill out an application, and when he told me about it, I nochelontly replied with an offhand, "Yup, that's great".

He got the email in May saying that he was chosen for the course and they were looking forward to seeing him in June. I think he was more surprised than I was. It wasn't that I didn't think he could get in, he's just not a really good essay writer, and I thought maybe that would hinder him. It seems however, that HE never thought he would get in. We have scrambled and planned and plotted to make this work for him. He had a rough year at school, and in life, and I think this summer program is just what he needs to get back into a good groove again.

In order for this to work, with The Boy™ and I both working this summer, and one vehicle between the two of us, he's going to stay with my in-laws, and commute back and forth every day. (Did I mention there's no on campus housing for this course?) There are two possible ways for him to get there. One is the bus, which goes down to South Station and then he'll hop the red line up to Kendall SQ/MIT. The other, is the Commuter Rail on the Haverhill line, which takes you to North Station, then you get on the train down to Park St. and pick up the red line over to Kendall SQ/MIT. Yesterday, we drove out to the train station he'd get on and took that route in to see how it would work. It's an hour and a half to the train station from here (forget that we could've gotten to MIT in an hour and a half from our house) then another hour or so to get to MIT from there. We visited the building where his class will take place, and then came back. It was a long day.

His class starts tomorrow, which is The Boy's™ birthday, and we will take him to my in-laws, drop off his stuff, then pick up that same commuter rail and make the first trip down with him. We have to pay for his class, and drop off his papers, then we will entertain ourselves for the duration of the class (I believe there are no seminar's this week as it's only 2 days) and meet up with him and go back to my in-laws, then come home without him. Mentally I haven't quite wrapped my brain around this, as I thought I had a few more years before I had to deal with any of it, but we are very proud of him and excited that he has such an amazing opportunity before him. In my heart, I am ready for him to go, but in the secret place in the back, I want him to be 4 again so I can keep him home with me longer. I'm not quite ready to let him go yet.

Homemade Tastes Better

2011-06-27T06:40:00.002-04:00

I made the most amazing treat last night for the family. Since being diagnosed with food allergies, some of Ms. Thang's favorite treats have been off limits. On top of having the unfortunate soy allergy, she's also allergic to nuts. All nuts. A million kinds of candy either have nuts, or are "processed in a plant that also process tree nuts and peanuts." In real people terms, that means= off limits. She has been a trooper about the whole thing, especially after a run to the ER one night after eating some mac and cheese at a church function, but it makes me sad to see what she has to give up/avoid.

Somewhere on the interwebs I found a recipe for homemade TWIX bars. I Googled real quick to see if I could find it again, but the recipes that turned out have more ingredients than the one I used. I had printed that recipe, and it was in my folder of "Things to Try" that I keep in my kitchen. This week I found it again, and it was on my to-do list. Except that last Saturday I came down with what I am calling "The Great Plague of '11". Seriously, it was so awful I missed the last two days of school. I finally feeling better, not 100%, but far better, and yesterday I took this recipe for a spin. I'm sure some of the other recipes are better, but I'm all about "less ingredients" and easy, and this fit the bill to a tee.

They started out with a simple shortbread crust made from 1 cup of flour, 1/4 cup of butter and 1/4 cup sugar. Mix together in a bowl till crumbly, then put into a 9x9 pan. They called for a glass one, I had a metal one, and greased it with some butter. Bake at 325* for 20 mins. In the meantime, in a large saucepan, combine 1/2 cup butter, 1/2 cup sweetened condensed milk, 2 TBSP corn syrup (I used light) and 1/2 cup brown sugar. Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring constantly, and when you hit boiling, reduce to low and simmer 5 mins, continuing to stir. Pour this out over the crust and let cool on your counter for about 15 minutes. After that, put it into the fridge for an hour. Don't be dumb like me and try to pick up the hot pan after you pour in the caramel because you forgot that it just came out of the fridge. After an hour, melt the chocolate topping. The recipe called for 100 grams of Cadbury chocolate. Hershey's is the only safe chocolate that I've found so far, and what I had on hand was Hershey's dark chips. Let me tell you, after having tried these bars, I'm glad for it. The bitterness of the dark chocolate combated the sweetness of the filling, and made for an excellent bar I think semi-sweet or milk chocolate would've just been too much sweet. Really. I used 170 grams of chocolate (I have a scale), which is about half a bag and melted it in the microwave at 30 second intervals and it took about 1.5 mins. Pour the melted chocolate over the top, and let firm. After half an hour on the counter, I popped it in to the fridge for half an hour to speed it up, then cut the whole pan into strips. Butter ahead of time allowed them to pop right out, and I made 16 "bars". These were So. Very. Good.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-06-26T09:39:00.002-04:00

15. A cat who loves me enough to follow me around the house, and keep me company when I'm sick.

16. The smile on my daughter's face as she reached over and received her Middle School diploma.

17. Technology that lets me stay in touch with my husband when he's traveling for work.

18. Teenagers who still want to spend time with mom, even though their friends might not think it's cool.

19. When the one you love comes home after being away.

20. Starting to feel just a bit better after a week of being sick.

21. A quiet morning to putter about, and glimpse's of the sun.. promising to come out and dry the land.

A Glimpse of Hope

2011-06-21T08:05:00.002-04:00

Back in February, I posted about a yarn dyer who was creating a limited edition colorway in order to raise money for SHARE, in honor of a long time customer who's infant son Charlie had passed away. Having lost my nephew Max, this was something that hit close to my heart, and my wonderful Husband bought me two skeins of the special release colorway for Valentine's Day. I have used it to knit baby hats that are being donated to the local hospital. I thought it was a fitting tribute to use yarn that was raising money for families who have lost infants or pregnancies, to benefit babies.


from www.yarnista.com

20% of the profits of the yarn sales were to be donated to SHARE. In the first two weeks, 527 skeins of yarn were ordered. Yesterday, a check in the amount of $2,500 was sent to the SHARE organization in the name of generous knitters everywhere. Charlies mom knit herself a sweater using the yarn, and says when she wears it, she feels his arms and heart around her. It allows her to hold and be held by him, and that being part of something larger than her grief has helped her get through such a horrible time. Having been through that grief, though on a different level (it was my nephew, not my own child), I know how important that is. Having been able to be part of this has touched my heart in a way that I can't put into words. I have enough yarn for 2 more hats, then I will make a special trip to the hospital and donate them in Max's name.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-06-19T11:32:00.001-04:00

8. Making dinner together, and then cleaning up together after it's finished.

9. The gracious way Corey accepted a hard decision that wasn't made in his favor, and then admitted that he was sad and disappointed about it.

10. Neal is always flexible; he will go out of his way to run a simple errand after working all day, without complaining. If I call him after he's done with one more thing I forgot, he will graciously turn around and go back. No questions. No grumblings.

11.Warm sunny weather, and a chance to work out in the garden after school.

12. Running into friends at the supermarket. It makes doing a not-so-pleasant chore that much better.

13. Warm and yummy oatmeal muffins and coffee on a grey and dreary morning.

14.That he has saved Every. Single. Thing. they have ever given him, from unidentifiable craft projects, to scribbled pictures from when they were 2. If it says "To Dad" or they handed it to him and said, "This is for you", he has it saved in a box.

Friday, Already?

2011-06-17T23:07:00.002-04:00

I'm not really sure how we got to be at Friday already, but yet, here we are. This past week has been insanely crazy, and I'm quite glad to see it over and done with. We only have two days left of school, and I can't really wrap my brain around another year ending. Where has the time gone? As part of our Everyday Math program, we have a number line that goes around our classroom, and it starts at -10 and goes to 180. (181 actually, we added a day to it). On day 1, we start an arrow that travels along the number line, ticking off how many days we have been in school. I can remember how excited we were to get to the first "double digit" day, and then we got to day 60 which was 1/3 of the way through the year, and then my favorite day.. 90. Everyone gets excited about day 100, but really.. day 90 is where it's at. Day 90 marks half way. Day 90 usually falls in late January when the world is cold, and dark, and grey, and winter has wrapped it's icy, depressive tendrils around my heart and I'm ready to hole up in my house and not come out again until spring. Day 90 marks hope that in due time, the sun will come back, the trees will turn green again, and eventually we will hit day 181 and the year will be over. It seems like it was so long ago... and just yesterday all at the same time.

On Tuesday, Ms. Thang will graduate from 8th grade, and in the fall the both of them will be in HS together. Someone once told me, when they were much smaller and I was overwhelmed with it all, to enjoy them while they were young. To let go of the "must do's" of life, and just enjoy having them because when they got older it would go by in a blink. At the time I couldn't see how that was possible.. and now I'd give it all to go back and have them small again. To keep them safe and free of the stress and craziness that plagues their lives. To take them into my lap and read them stories and get good night hugs and kisses and say prayers before bed. Now I settle for a "Goodnight mom" and try to ignore the messy rooms and eye rolling and teen angst, because in a few short years they will be gone and the house will be empty and quiet. Something we have never known in our married lives. I don't know if I'm ready.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-06-13T16:18:00.003-04:00

1. This shrub, that blooms for 3 or 4 short weeks in June every summer. It came with our house and I love how pretty is, how it smells and that it draws butterflies, bees and hummingbirds. This year is it housing a birdhouse with a nest full of eggs. I have been sad thinking of the short bloom time, but instead I am embracing that we get more than just a single day.

2. Heartfelt "I'm Sorry"'s after a long day of grumbling and unhappiness.

3. Two brave and wonderful children who are not afraid to ask for help when it's needed.

4. My job, when so many people in our school district have been laid off these past few weeks.

5. Warm sun on a day that was forecast to be cold and miserable.

6. A new co-worker who is graciously sharing gifts of plants from her garden to help mine to grow.

7. Warm, cozy socks and soft fleece pants at the end of a long and tiring day.

One Thousand Gifts- The Beginning

2011-06-11T14:01:00.004-04:00

The other day, I stumbled upon a blog where the author had written a post of things she was grateful for. She talked about how they were part of her 1,000 gifts list, and mentioned a book by the same name. I did a little research, and discovered not only the book, but the blog that author of the book keeps and read the first chapter of the book. I read how a friend challenged her to keep a list, taking however long it took, of 1,000 things she was thankful for. She began to do so, changed her life and wrote about the experience.

There is a movement in the blogosphere called Multiples on Monday, in which people link their 1,000 gift posts back to the person who wrote the book, but I am not participating in that part of it. Nor have I read the book. I have tried, unsuccessfully to keep a gratitude journal in the past. The idea being that every day you write down however many things you are grateful for. My original goal was five, and some days, "waking up today" was at the top of my list. However, I've let it fall by the wayside, and I want to get back to it again. Perhaps every day was too much for me to handle. At the same time, I am trying to convert Sunday to a day of rest. Not for religious reasons, but because my life is so chaotic right now, that I think I need one day off. I am reworking my chore schedule so that Sunday is for relaxing, enjoyment and family.

Starting tomorrow, every Sunday I am going to list 7 things that I am grateful for, until I get to 1,000. Chances are, that after I get to 1,000 I will keep going, but for now, that's my goal. To document the things in my life that are good. To recognize those things that I should be grateful for and not overlooking. To acknowledge, that even in the midst of whatever chaotic things are going on in my life, I am blessed more than I know. To recognize, that I should be living my life fully, instead of just existing. To embrace the wonderful gifts that are bestowed upon me every single day, and to recognize them. To live fully.. right where I am.

Summertime and the Living is Easy

2011-06-09T16:57:00.003-04:00

Around Memorial Day I started to get the itch to do a little redecorating. I had some spring inspired decor going on, and as spring was still in full swing, it would have been OK to leave it up, but I was tired of it. I was tired of cool days, and grey skies, and ready for sunny, hot summer. In my opinion, summer starts *IN* June, so decorating for summer during early June is perfectly acceptable. So I did. I don't live near the ocean. In fact, I live the furthest away from the ocean than I ever have in my entire life. It takes a couple hours to get there (if you live anywhere that isn't NH, I'm sorry. Our state is small), from clear on the other side of the state, which is where I am. That doesn't stop me from loving the ocean however.

For day trips, and summer days, I am totally a lake person, but there is just something about the ocean that calls to my soul. I love the salty air, the white sand, the waves that crash upon the shore, and the rock jetties. I can sit all day and watch kids play in the sand, boats travel across the horizon, and gulls begging for whatever scraps they can get. Then at the end of the day, I like to brush the sand off and go home.

As I thought about how I wanted to start out my summer decor (it might change in July and/or August, who knows), I knew I wanted something beachy. The areas that I've given in to decorating seasonally, for non-holiday times, are the porch, the dry sink/cupboard in the kitchen, and the side table in the dining room. For the past 10 years, there has been an apple basket full of driftwood that I've been collecting since I was a teen, and a basket of shells and sea glass that is just as old. In the the late spring, as I was thinking that I shouldn't leave that stuff on the porch year round, it inspired my seasonal decor for summer.

I took all the long driftwood and tied it together with some jute. Then I took the remaining driftwood and put in in a basket on the bench that lives under the kitchen window. I left the shells in their basket, and called the porch done. It's not quite done however, because as I typed this post I realized I still have a vase out there with pussy willows and I want to put something in it's place. I just don't know what yet. Maybe a mason jar full of sand with a candle. Maybe an old sailboat if I can find one cheap enough. Something.

I took the long driftwood into the dining room and put it on the side table. I bought myself some white daisies, and put them into an old olive oil jar, which inspired me to go to my bottle collection and get out the biggest, bluest bottles that I could find. The ones that remind me of sea glass. I arranged those next to the vase, and am quite pleased with how they came out. I know they came from my backyard, but I can imagine that they washed up on the beach and were collected by someone who loves it just as much as I do. Ok, moving on. While I was doing errands, on the same day that I bought those flowers, I picked up some white decor sand at Micheal's, alongside some river stones that were on clearance for a dollar. I put 2 bags of sand into my glass apothecary jar (best $10 I ever spent) and went and picked out some big shells, a star fish and some sand dollars from the shell basket on the porch. Simple, and yet elegant at the same time.

That same day, I picked up a long mango wood platter at Target. It's intended for bread, or crackers or something, but it just screamed "I look like I could've washed up on the beach" and so I brought it home. As I thought about what to do with it, I spotted that bag of river rocks. I poured the bag into the bowl, got some sea glass and more shells from the porch and put it on the dry sink. Next to that I placed my cupcake holder, and put in a dozen Styrofoam balls that I covered with jute. Rope reminds me of boats, which reminds me of the ocean and that is how it all ties together, in case you are wondering. I really love how it changed the feel of the house. I don't typically decorate per-say for summer, and I'm so glad I did. It feels summer, and makes me think that it will be here soon.

The Garden by the Back Fence

2011-06-08T07:04:00.003-04:00

Two years ago we rebuilt the fence in the backyard, and I dug out a garden along side the back part of it between my yard and the neighbor next door. You can read about that sage here. Last year I decided to move my herb garden back there. The herb garden used to be in the front of the house, but over the past 10 years, the black walnut tree has grown much bigger and it's a lost shadier there than when I first planted it. I dug up my chives, and oregano, and then started over from scratch with new sage and thyme and some annual herbs. The plants loved being by the fence, as it gets a ton of sun for most of the day.

The first thing I planted this year, was more herbs in the garden. I added a new kind of sage, a few more varieties of thyme, and some more annual herbs. I noticed that the pineapple mint I planted last summer is thriving, which is OK, because it's a nice ground cover, and it's pretty. One of the things I wanted to do back in this garden, was to grow some type of vine-ing plants up the old playhouse. I planted some perennial sweet peas last year, and put in a morning glory this year. My plan is to get some lattice for around the bottom, and let it just go to town.

I was out mowing the yard this past weekend, and my eyes fell on the old wheel barrow. We had to get a new one this year, and boy am I ever glad. We inherited the old one with our house, and it weighs about 75 pounds and was heavy and awkward to push. The one one is lightweight and rolls like a dream. Anyhow, I was eyeballing the old one, and thinking of how we needed to haul it to the dump, when I remembered a flower display I have seen in another town near the HS. The town's garden group parked an overturned wheel barrow in a triangle traffic plot (you know those things that keep you from driving where they don't want you to go that have grass in them) and grew flowers out of it, like the whole thing had tipped over carrying flowers and they just grew there.

When I was done mowing, I asked The Boy™ if he could take the wheel, and the bottom metal piece off the thing, and after a lot of tugging and some WD40, those rusty bolts came off, and we moved it over to where I thought I wanted it. I quickly realized I had a better spot, and we moved it again. Right now it just has some old, dried out dirt I found in the barn in it, but it adds a lot of character to a garden I'm just starting this year on the other side of the playhouse. It's just a little spot between the playhouse and the fence, to add some color and fun to the other side of the Tower of Doom.

It's Never Easy at My House

2011-06-07T07:30:00.003-04:00


Before: I had to clear all that junk out just to work.

We have a little joke around our house whenever we start a renovation project, that ultimately starts with The Boy™ announcing, "This won't take that long". None of the projects we've ever started, in the almost 10 years we have owned our house have gone as we had planned. They have all taken longer, been more involved, more costly, but in the end, they have far exceeded our expectations for our they would turn out. Take my craft room for example... and as I look through for a "finished" post, it occurs to me that I haven't posted about the finished room. I will get to that later this week.

After: big difference huh?

Now that I have my own, awesome room.. I felt like it was only fair that The Boy™ had an awesome room too. We decided to take over the kids playroom as an office and move their computer, which is the only thing they use the room for anymore, into the batcave, aka The Boys™ office. That room will become a radio room, and the kids computer will live there until they move on to bigger and better things in a few years. It sounded like an easy, quick project when I presented it. Paint the non-paneled walls, put a new indoor/outdoor rug over the current one (there is a reason for that and I'll explain later), replace the light fixture, and Bob's your uncle. I should've had a foreshadowing that it wouldn't be that easy, but I am naive and always think the best.

Me: cold, dirty, and tired.

It started back New Years day when we, and by we, I mean me, climbed into the tiny crawl space (and by tiny, I had enough room to lie flat on the dirt and the bottom of the floor was 6 inches above my head) and installed insulation under the floor. The Boy™ cut it to size out in the barn, and it was a cold, dirty, miserable job. It was worth it however.. as it raised the temperature of the room by a noticeable difference. Ms. Thang took this photo of me as I walked back into the house at the end of that day to take a shower. And so the journey began.

Vintage Bottles

2011-06-05T08:33:00.005-04:00

I never set out to collect vintage glass bottles, it just kind of happened that way. When we bought our house back at the end of August in 2011, we inherited the best kind of friends; the people who formally owned our house. They have kids our age, and are the nicest, most wonderful kind of people, and as young parents with a brand new home in a strange new town, they took us under their wing. We have been able to consult with them on unfinished projects, they have gifted us with items and photos that previously belonged in our house, and even helped build our back fence a few summers ago.

Sometime during that first year, I got a phone call from D. He was wondering if I would be interested in a basket of old bottles. He went on to tell me about how most of them came from our house. How they had found them burried in the yard, or underneath the house in an old dirt crawl space (turned out to be the same one I insulated under previously). A long time ago, or so the story goes, our house was used as sort of an old fashioned .. well.. I don't know what you would call it. It was a place where people were brought to die. I think that part of our house's history is hysterical, because it was built as a mill owner's home. Right near where I live, there are several large houses very similar in design to my own, and the rich mill owners lived in them in the mill's heyday. I don't know how it went from one to the other, and would LOVE a historical run through of all the owners/uses of our house, but I haven't gotten around to researching it.

Anyhow, back to the bottles. I told D that I most certainly would love a basket of old bottles that were found in our house, because I have a soft spot for things that are historically tied to the house. One day I came home from somewhere, and there was a huge bushel basket of bottles on the porch. I never dreamed there would be so many. Some were not salvageable. They had hundred year old "sludge" that had encrusted in them so hard it wouldn't come out. Most of them however, I was able to wash up and save. The majority of the bottles can be seen above, and they live across a shelf on my porch. The ones in this photo, live on a shelf in my downstairs bathroom.

These ink bottles used to live on the porch. Last summer I took them off the porch, and put them on the top of the bottom window section of the dining room window that looks out to the porch. I put a single flower bloom in each bottle, and loved the look of it. When the blooms died, the bottles lived in the dining room window, but I didn't really enjoy them there because I didn't see them often. As I was working on my craft room back in the fall, I thought.. hey, those are ink bottles. I do pen and ink, why not move them in here? Now they live on the top of the bottom window part in my craft room. I see them often, and the sun shines on this part of the house more, and sparkles off the glass. I love them here much better.

These bottles were living on the porch as well, up until about a week or two ago. I switched out some of my decor for a more summery feel, and I moved these onto the side table in the dining room. They are part of a bigger display that I will share later on. These bottles have a more "sea glass" kind of feel to them. I think it's the color, and the soft, worn look of the glass. As I have been collecting sea glass since I was a teen, they appeal to me on a deeper level. Mostly though, I just think they look really cool. The bottle that is holding the flowers isn't part of the collection. That's an olive oil bottle that I saved to use as a vase. I'm not a fan of fat, squatty flower vases. The next thing I want to acquire... is old milk bottles. That's a post for another day.

linking to: Saturday Night Special

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2011-06-04T07:05:00.002-04:00


Ashley took this photo of a rock she decorated in my garden

Have you heard about Pinterest yet? Some clever person(s) created this website, that is essentially a virtual... I can't think of quite the word I want to use. Idea board? Story board? Scrapbook? I say scrapbook, because for years now, I have clipped photos out of magazines of things that caught my eye. It might be a house, or a garden, or a design element, a flower aranagment. Whatever. Once in a while, I take my clippings and I stick them into a cheap-o , ring-bound scrapbook that I bought 10 plus years ago at Wal-Mart. In fact, I'm on the hunt for a few new ones as my original one is full, but they don't seem to make them anymore. Anyhow, when I heard about Pinterest, I was hooked. Here, after all these years of browsing the internet and blog reading, was a way to save all the beautiful ideas that I come across, and then are lost forever.

You create boards based on your own needs/desires, download a little button for your toolbar that reads "pin it", and then when you come across something wonderful.. click that button, tell Pinterest which of your boards to save it to, add a description, and Bob's your uncle. I wish someone had thought of this 15 years ago. I created boards based on themes I normally come across and want to save ideas for. In fact, if I find something and go to pin it, and don't have a board for it, I can create one. You can see my boards here. I've also seen people create more specific boards, such as "color ideas for kitchen" or "outfits for vacation"... there is no limit to the ideas, or the number of boards you can make. On top of that, if someone else pins something that you like, you can repin it to your board.

I know some of you might be thinking... oh great, another time suck to add to my "too many hours on the internet"... but I don't see it that way. I have a bookmarked folder of blogs I like to read. Some are food blogs, some are home decor/DIY kind of blogs, some are crafty blogs. At the end of a long, busy day, I like to read through any new posts with my cup of coffee. It's about all I can manage before bed some days... and now I have a place to save all those great ideas!

Our Baby Birds

2011-05-18T21:57:00.002-04:00

Earlier this spring, as I was walking by the front door, I noticed that I kept seeing a bird flying back and forth from near the doorway. I happened to go outside into the yard that day, and a pair of purple finches squawked at me so loudly that I investigated all the bird houses and roosters looking for a nest. A few days later, I noticed a bit of nesting material up on top of the post above the front door, and I was tickled pink about it. Every day since then I have stopped at the front door several times to check on the progress of the birds. At first, there was mostly an empty nest. Then, the mama bird would be sitting in the nest, but still fly out if we were too close to the window or the cats were checking out what all the fuss was about. Within a week, or maybe two, mama didn't leave the nest much. I could stand there with the inside door wide open, and she's stare at me, and not move. I decided she must've laid her eggs, and was busy keeping them safe.

After some time, I heard lots of little chirping noises coming from the nest if I stood next to the door. Mama would fly off, and come back, and sit some more, and I noticed that the daddy bird was often in the nut tree making a ruckus if anyone got too close or flying back and forth to the edge of the post. He really is a beautiful bird, and I have enjoyed watching him as he's taken care of his little family. If Bella happens to be out in the backyard, they sit in the shrub in the middle of the yard and squawk at her until she comes back into the house. Saturday when I was working in my garden before the rain came, he was in the yard on the ground, and she was getting ready to pounce on him and my heart skipped a beat just thinking about it. It's crazy.. but I've become rather attatched to these little guys.

I have learned a few things about birds that I didn't know before. More often than not, it's the daddy bird that I see feeding the babies. Now that they are larger than the nest, mama doesn't stay in the nest anymore, but hangs out in the nut tree with daddy. Bird nests that you find on the ground must have fallen out of trees with the eggs unhatched, because baby birds are MESSY as all heck. I'll be glad when these little guys fly the coop, because the mess is giving me a twitch. Baby birds are loud enough that they make cats come and check out the commotion from inside the house. This has been highly entertaining. I'm not sure of the breeding habits of finches, but I secretly hope they come back next year.

Give Thanks... With a Grateful Heart

2011-05-02T23:06:00.002-04:00

The stern hand of fate has scourged us to an elevation where we can see the great everlasting things that matter for a nation; the great peaks of honour we had forgotten - duty and patriotism, clad in glittering white; the great pinnacle of sacrifice pointing like a rugged finger to heaven. ~David Lloyd George

God Bless all those that have fought now, or ever, to keep our land safe and free.

Life..

2011-04-13T14:04:00.002-04:00

You are young. So you know everything. You leap into the boat and begin rowing. But listen to me. Without fanfare, without embarrassment, without any doubt, I talk directly to your soul. Listen to me. Lift the oars from the water, let your arms rest, and your heart, and heart’s little intelligence, and listen to me. There is life without love. It is not worth a bent penny, or a scuffed shoe. It is not worth the body of a dead dog nine days unburied. When you hear, a mile away and still out of sight, the churn of the water as it begins to swirl and roil, fretting around the sharp rocks–when you hear that unmistakable pounding–when you feel the mist on your mouth and sense ahead the embattlement, the long falls plunging and steaming–then row, row for your life toward it. ~Mary Oliver

To do... or not to do? That is the question..

2011-04-10T22:28:00.003-04:00

We have had a beautiful warm, sunny spring weekend here in my neck of the woods. Right now it's raining, but tomorrow is promising to be warmer and sunny again, so I'll take it. We have one more week of school until spring break. The hard part about spring, for me, is that there is soo much stuff to do, and so many things I want to do, and not enough time to do them all. I need to spring clean my house (which this year as much as I want to do it, I've been procrastinating on actually starting). I need to clean up my yard. I need to paint The Boy's™ radio room. I need to stain my bench. I have craft projects I want to do. I have gardening that needs to be planned and be done. Yet, today, I mostly spent the day in the kitchen, cooking. I also spent some time crafting, did all the laundry, went to church, and wasted time on the computer. Could I have done more? Yes. Did I want to? Yes. Did I actually do it... well, that's where I'm having a hard time right now. Mostly it's a motivational problem, that I know will work itself out soon enough, it's just frustrating me to no end. Add that to the food issues I'm still having, and other stressful life issues, and it's all just a little overwhelming. As a manner of speaking, I think sometimes the doing nothing, or wasting time on the computer, or working on stuff in my craft room instead of cleaning is a method of self preservation. My sub-conscious knows that in order to deal with all the rest of it, I need some quiet down time. It's just not working with my "must do it all now" type A personality. Working in the confines of my One Little Word for this year, I'm trying to just accept that right now, it is what it is, and I just need to go with it until it gets to a place where things can get on an even keel again. It's hard, but I'm trying. I guess if I look at it that way, today was a pretty good day.

In Which We Find an Easter Tree...

2011-04-09T15:43:00.004-04:00

In Eastern Europe, it's customary to hang hollow Easter Eggs from trees. The eggs symbolize new life, and it's a tradition that I can get behind a lot easier than a bunny who brings toys and candy. I haven't ever had an Easter Tree before, and I'm not a huge fan of plastic eggs. In fact, this year, I bought some painted foam eggs at Pier One for the glass jar in my dining room and I'm quite smitten with them. I do however, have a stash of plastic eggs that I used to put jelly beans into before I put them in the kids Easter baskets. Turns out that neither of my kids like jelly beans, so while I still put some small candies in them to help fill the basket, I have a surplus. Today I was outside in the yard taking down the Christmas lights (I know, don't even get me started. We had huge snow banks), and noticed a large maple branch that kind of looked tree-ish lying on the ground. Fifteen minutes later I had this lovely bit of decoration standing next to my door. I like it. I don't think it's too hokey, and it brightens up an otherwise dreary bit of landscaping.

2011-04-03T06:31:00.002-04:00

Life is kicking my butt right now, in ways that I can't share here on the ole' blog, but rest assured that we are all OK in the best way we can be, and will pull through this in due time. In order to combat the emotional turmoil, I have been crafting, and cleaning. I don't know why, but for some reason, whenever I am stressed out or worried or what have you, I clean. Lately however, I've been doing more crafting then cleaning. Maybe crafting is my new therapy.

Yesterday, I created this moss covered R for the mirror in our dining room. That mirror was made for me by a dear friend, out of an old window casing that my dad gave us. It came from a barn somewhere in Virginia. To say I love it would be selling how I really feel about it short. A few years ago, one of the parents of a student I worked with gave me this cute "clothes line" kind of Christmas card holder that you put up, and then string up silver decorations that are meant to hold cards. I left the silver "clothes line" part on the window frame, and I hang random stuff off it during the year.

I found the idea for it at The Idea Room. She used some kind of roll out moss that I'm sure went much easier than what I got. I find both the R, and the moss at Micheal's, and along with the ribbon I bought and the 25% off your whole purchase coupon I had, the whole thing cost less than $10. I seriously love it. I didn't moss over the back, and from where I sit at the table, you can see the unfinished wood side of the R. I haven't decided if this bugs me enough to do something about. The Valentine's wreath I made this year had the same problem, and I got over that, so I'm sure in a few days I won't even notice. I wish the R had been bigger, as it's a big mirror, but I love it anyhow.

The Saga of the Greens..

2011-03-17T19:44:00.002-04:00

One month ago I made my last post.. which is a summary of how crazy my life has been since then. That was right before our February vacation from school, and right before I headed down the long and frustrating road of food allergy diagnosis. It's funny how you can get used to a certain state of "being", no matter how crummy it might be, and just accept it for normal. On Feb. 20th I started an elimination diet to discover what I was eating that was making me feel so poorly. It might have been a little drastic. I could have just eliminated certain food groups to see how I felt, but when you don't have a single clue, it's a little more tricky.

The plan was to cut out all reactive foods, and eat only "non-inflammatory or low reactive" foods for 12 days, then start adding foods back one at a time and see how it went. You note any effects, and then go forward. This includes coffee, tea, sugar, all refined foods, alcohol chocolate, the top allergens and a host of other things. The "safe" food list was short, but I felt good about being creative. The hardest part was the headache that started that night (Sun the 20th) and lasted until Tuesday morning from caffeine withdrawal. After that, I felt awesome. No word of a lie.. better than I have in years. As my body started to heal however, it became painfully obvious, that I was reacting to some of the so called "safe" foods. Because even though 90% of food allergies are caused by 8 foods, you can be allergic to anything. On Friday, I had to abandon the plan as written. I won't get into the long sordid details of why, but I decided to do a more modified plan. Add back the foods I was sure was safe, try some earlier than I was supposed (such as gluten/wheat which I was never concerned with) and build my available food choices back up.

There are still foods I need to challenge (it's hard because I don't want to have to try them at school, or if I'm home alone).. but overall, it's going Ok. It's frustrating, and hard, and I've fallen apart in the arms of my wonderfully supportive husband who keeps telling me that it will all be worth it in the end when I get the foods that don't work for me out of my life. The list just keeps getting longer. I am allergic to Sunflower Seeds, Soy, Chickpeas (crazy, right?!), and Hazlenuts for sure. It's starting to look more like it's not just Soy/Chickpeas, and it might be a legume allergy which covers all beans/peas/and other stuff that's crazy like Roobio's tea (which I had an issue with a blend of) which is the leaf of a legume plant. This makes me incredibly sad. On top of that, I have Oral Allergy Syndrome, which means things like raw apples, carrots, celery, grapes, oranges and other things I haven't even tried to enter back in yet make my mouth itchy or tingly after I eat them. It's hard to come home after school and want a snack, and not be sure what you can eat safely. It's impossible to eat out right now, and it's nothing but frustrating. I'm starting to have more "good days" as I figure out what to avoid, but some days it's just overwhelming and I fall apart.

In a nut shell, (or not, I haven't challenged nuts yet).. that's where I have been this past month. We have made good progress on The Boys™ radio room, and the snow has finally started to melt, and we went for a walk before dinner for the first time in months. I have stuff to share, and blog about, and I promise it won't be another month before you hear from me again. In the meanwhile, Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Glimpse

2011-02-17T20:07:00.003-05:00

I read a bunch of different kinds of blogs every day. Some are knitting related, some are home related, some are craft related, or running related, or food related or what have you. Just a random sampling of stuff that I like to read when I have a few minutes at the end of the day and I'm too darn tired to do anything else. One of the blogs I read, is The Yarnista, which is the blog for Three Irish Girls yarn. Today, Sharon posted a heart wrenching post that is so near and dear to my heart, I had to re-post it here on my own blog.

A longtime friend, and customer of her shop recently lost her baby, Charlie. The loss of a baby is such a devastating, and heart breaking thing, and Sharon wanted to do something to help her friend. When someone you know suffers a loss like this, it's hard to know what to do, or say to help or to comfort the parents. It's especially hard if you are heartbroken and suffering yourself. Sharon decided that she would help out by creating a special colorway called "Glimpse", and donate a generous portion of all the sales to a non-profit agency called Share. Share is an organization that provides services to families who have lost a baby due to pregnancy loss, still birth or in the first few months of life.

Obviously, our own family is still grieving for the loss of my nephew Max. It has been 4 years and a few months since his tragic passing, but sometimes it still feels like it was yesterday. I often find myself thinking of him, or my SIL and her husband and how hard it still must be for them. I watch my niece play, or hold my new little baby niece, and think of the older brother they'll never know. I have decided that you never "get over" hard things in life, you just find ways to move through them and go on with your life.

If you wouldn't mind keeping Charlie and his family in your prayers, that would be wonderful. If you know any yarn crafters and would like to alert them to this sale, that would be wonderful. If you would like, Sharon will also dye up and send yarn as a gift to yarn crafters on your behalf, so everyone can help out if they feel moved to do so. I'm personally going to knit up some baby hats with it, and donate them to my local hospital.

Love Finds You

2011-02-12T06:29:00.002-05:00

Long time readers of my blog will know that I am not a huge fan of Valentine's Day. I've always operated under the theory that it's a Halmark holiday, created to boot sales of cards and gifts and candy in the middle of a winter slump. The holidays are over, winter is long, and what can we do to get people spending? With this attitude, I've taken to not celebrating the day at all. After all, I believe in showing my love on my terms, not on a day that the calendar says I should.

It might surprise you then, to hear that I've had a change of heart (har-har). It's not that I feel any different about the commercialism of the day, it's that I have a new appreciation for the idea behind it. Without love, what do we have? I watched a chick-flicky kind of movie with my daughter late last month, which featured a young couple, in the throes of new love, and it caused me to think about how relationships change over time. How I love The Boy™, stronger, and more deeply now than I did 17 years ago, but how different our love was then, and how different we are. When you are newly in love, your whole focus is that other person, and thinking of how you love them, and showing them. Once you've been married for 15 years, I've found (and maybe this isn't true for everyone else), it's different. Sure, we love each other, and he makes my coffee and I iron his work shirts and we show each other our love in different ways, but it's not with the same kind of focus and passion as when we were newly in love.

So I decided this year, that I'm not celebrating Valentine's Day exactly, I'm celebrating love. I'm using this time between Feb.1-14th, to show my love. Each day I've left a little gift, or a "coupon" for say, getting out of coming to do errands, or as much X-Box playing as he wants, on his laptop. I have decorated one little area of our dining room. (see prior posts photo). I made a heart wreath with felt, and that little photo-framed "Love" decoration. I had thought maybe I'd do the whole month.. but I think I'll save that for next year. This is my first year "celebrating" after all. What I've found, that focusing on your love for someone else, for an extended amount of time, really causes you to think about that person, and how much you love them, and why. It also causes you to look at the things they do to show you how they love you, no matter how small they are. It has been a grand discovery, embracing love.

Sometimes The Day Can Be So Long...

2011-02-09T18:27:00.002-05:00

So, as I've mentioned, my word for this year is acceptance. Since the year started, I have had some major growth in my life surrounding this word. 2011 is a year of change for me it seems, and so far it appears to be going well.

Something that I've been struggling with lately, however, is accepting that just because you do something(s) nice for other people, doesn't mean that they have to reciprocate with nice things in return. In my heart I know this. I don't start out doing nice things for others with the goal being to have something done nice in return. That is selfish and crazy. I do nice things out of love. I do them because I enjoy the feeling I get by being nice to others. I do them because it's just who I am. I am a giver.

Being a giver, I give unconditionally, and expect nothing in return. Most of the time. The problem with having this type of personality, and with never ASKING for anything in return, is that it builds resentment. The other big problem, as I see it, is that there is only so much of me to go around, and once I've given my all, if nothing is given back, then I feel empty inside. When I get to this point, which I do, more often than I'd like to admit, I get a little cranky. I feel sad and unappreciated, and even though the person who I am giving to is genuinely pleased to be on the receiving end, it doesn't make me happy to be giving anymore.

Sometimes, it makes me feel like a doormat, and I have to stop and wonder, why am I like this? I don't really know. I know that I have some need that obviously isn't being met, but because I am a giver, and not a taker, I have a real hard time asking for my needs to be met. A big part of this, is because for a good part of my life, whenever I have expressed these needs to others, they have largely been ignored. So, I have stopped asking. Lately, I've noticed that my heart is feeling a little heavy, and I think it's because my well is starting to run dry.

Be Beth

2011-02-08T08:38:00.001-05:00

I AM...loved more than I know.
I WANT...to hold onto the peace and calmness I feel in my life right now forever.
I SHOULD...work on using my "free" time more productivly.
I WISH...that I could take away all the hurt that is in the hearts of all those I care about.
I HATE...feeling so cranky that I don't even like myself very much.
I FEAR...that I might lose my family in a tragic manner and be left alone.
I SEARCH...for who I really am, deep down at the core of my being.
I WONDER...how my life might have turned out differently, yet relish in the fact that it didn't.
I REGRET...nothing. Every moment has brought to me right now.
I HEAR...the words that aren't spoken, the questions that aren't asked, and the song in my heart.I LOVE...with all that I am, in the best way that I know how.
I AM NOT...perfect, nor am I done. I AM a work in progress.
I SING...loudly, and often, without caring who hears or what they think.
I CRY...when I am hurt, or when the feelings inside swell up so much that I think I might break.
I NEED... to be quiet more. To slow down. To remember to tell the people I care about how I feel.
I HAVE...everything I need to be happy.

One Little Word

2011-01-19T20:08:00.001-05:00

When Ali Edwards first blogged about One Little Word several years back, I was instantly hooked on the idea. The goal is to pick one word that you want to be the focus of your year, and to spend the next 365 days trying to work the theme of your word into your life. In the past, I have chosen the words Balance, Revive and Pause. This year, I had a word all picked out at the end of December. I thought of it over Christmas break, and was feeling pretty good about it. Out of all the words I had picked so far, last year's word.. Balance was the one I did the best job with. This isn't to say that I achieved balance in my life, because that is so far from the truth. But I did cut back on some things. I dropped some obligations (Steel Drums for example), and I tried to do better balancing myself between family and work and life. Not a great job, but not too shabby.

I couldn't tell you now what that word that I picked for this year was, because I've since come up with a better word. I referenced to it in one of my late December posts. My new word for this year, is ACCEPTANCE. This word was put on my heart, and it has taken root and grown like a weed. There are so many things I need to work on in the area of acceptance. Accepting help when I think I don't need it. Accepting that my husband is who he is, and loving him for just that. Him. Accepting that the mess in my teenage children's rooms isn't going anywhere fast, and to stop stressing about it. You get the idea. Today, on what is only the 19th day of January, I've already come to accept some things in my life. Some pretty big things actually.. and I'm feeling really good about my word, and the direction that this year is going. Here's to 2011. What's your word??

Reverb Wrap-Up

2011-01-04T06:10:00.001-05:00

So, as you can see, I dropped the ball on the last three days of the month. It's not that I didn't want to come blog about the prompts, it's just that when I got them in my mailbox, I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about. I'm still not sure, so I'm going to answer all 3 in this post.

December 29: Defining Moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has effected your life this year. Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice.

See, here's the thing. My life isn't that thrilling. I didn't have a defining moment in 2010. Now I don't think I'll be able to say the same about 2011, but 2010 was pretty boring in the grand scheme of things. Nothing huge happened really. I mean, don't get me wrong, my beautiful new niece was born, I started to heal the relationship with my mother, I worked all summer.. but nothing super major. Kind of a nice change.

December 30: Gift. This month, gifts and gift giving can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? Author: Holly Root.

The best gift I got this year, came during the month of December, when I began to get myself back. I didn't even realize that I had been missing this whole time, but somehow during early December, while The Boy™ was away for a long weekend, I realized that I had lost myself and began the slow journey to find myself again. What a gift indeed.

December 31: Core Story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? Author: Molly O'Neil.

This is my story. I come here and share it all the time. Granted, there are parts of my story that I haven't shared, and may never. but for the most part it's all here. Front and Center for whoever wants to read it. I have shared parts of my story at school, I have shared parts of my story with my children, I have shared almost ALL of my story with my husband, and I have shared my story with my youth group back when I was a teen. I continue to share my story now, when the occasion arises, and it's getting a little easier to put myself out there for all to see, and judge. I share my story in the pages of the scrapbooks I create for our family.. but that's not my story, that's OUR story. Even better.

Reach For The Stars

2010-12-28T22:37:00.002-05:00

December 28: Achieve. What's the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you'll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today. (author: Tara Sophia Mohr)

My word for last year was balance. I have picked a new word for next year, but what I really want most from 2011, is balance. I haven't reached that point yet where I feel like everything in my life is on an even keel. I may never get there, and I realize that, but I think I can do better. There are definitely areas of my life that need work. I would like to get to the end of the year and not feel like things are crazy and stressful and out of control. I like to imagine that when I get to that point, that I'll feel content. Peaceful. Like things are OK, and everything's how it should be.

I read the reason behind this prompt here, and understand the thinking behind it, but I'm having a hard time coming up with 10 things I can think, or do to feel that way now. Maybe it's because life is about to get crazy again when school starts back up on Monday. That even though I am striving for balance, and more stability in life, I know deep down that these next 4.5 years, while I still have kids in High School, aren't going to be anything less then crazy. Maybe what my word for next year should be instead of what I've chosen is acceptance. I'll have to think about this.

An Open Letter To My Son

2010-12-27T21:56:00.005-05:00

December 27: ordinary joy

Dear Corey,
For the past several years I have written a blog post about your on your birthday. Some of them were sappy, and some were entertaining (to me anyhow), and then there was that year with the big cake... but none-the-less, each year I have written one. Mostly I write them for myself. A reflection on the past year, or the past however many years you've been alive on this earth, and how I am feeling about all of it. You took me be surprise however, when you announced that you were going to go read your birthday post on my blog, especially as I hadn't written it yet.

It's not that I didn't want to write it. In fact, I came here several times, all ready to pen some words of reflection, or wisdom.. and I just couldn't do it. See, the thing is, I can't quite wrap my brain around you being 16. It's not that it makes me feel old, or makes me think you are old, it's that I have begun to realize that we don't have that much time left with you. I remember when I turned 16, and I remember how fast the time between that birthday and graduating HS went by. I already see how fast these years are going by with you, and I have begun to realize that soon you will be graduated, and off to start the greatest adventure of your life. I'm having a hard time with this... not because I don't think you'll be ready, because I have every confidence in you. You are an amazing young man, and I think you are going to do great things with your life. The thing is, I'm not ready to let you go yet.

Thank you for humoring me this Christmas season and participating in the "read a book every night until Christmas" tradition. I know you feel it's a waste of time, and you have better things to be doing, but it's important to me. We didn't have very many solid Christmas traditions when I was growing up, and I like to think I have done better with you and your sister. I've been participating in a blog reflection project this month, and today's task was to come and post about ordinary joy. The assignment was to write about one of our most joyful ordinary moments. As I was thinking of this, I realized that some of my most joyful moments of 2010 involved you, which surprised me, as we have been at a bit of odds the past few years as you move through adolescence. I thought back to when we were at the hospital and you didn't want to hold your new baby cousin because she was so small and tiny, and how adorable you were when you finally did. Then I laughed remembering you and dad standing in the hall with the hospital masks on when Ash and I came out of the bathroom. I remembered how grown up and mature you seemed giving the reading at Millie's funeral service, and how happy and proud I was of you that day. I thought about that hole you dug at the beach when we went for dad's birthday, and then how you got right into it up to your chest. Simple, ordinary moments. These are the things that I will miss the most.

So as you make your way through the next few years of your life, preparing to go off and conquer the world, humor me sometimes and read Christmas books without complaining, or participate in a family outing even if you think it's lame and you'd rather be online writing OS's. Be nicer to your sister, don't antagonize your father so much, and remember I love you.

Mom

Food For The Soul

2010-12-26T08:17:00.005-05:00

photo from November: Harvest Dinner

December 26: Soul Food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth and touched your soul? (author: Elise Marie Collins)

It wasn't a certain dish, or any one food that touched my soul this year, it was a food event. I have already blogged about this event here, but looking back on 2010, this day, this dinner with my friend and her family, was the food that my soul needed. Typically, except for Uncle Christmas, or a summer cookout, we have one or two people over to dinner at time. Usually, it's my good friend C, or it's C with one of her family members who's visiting. Our summer cookouts always feel a little stressful (could be the time of the year, the people we invite, the weather not cooperating.. who knows), and this year for Uncle Christmas, all my brothers decided we should order out Chinese, and all I did was some baking.

This day however, this day was different. This day was about comfort foods, and seasonal produce, and getting together to give thanks for just being here, together at the table enjoying a good meal. I enjoyed every part of this meal, from the planning, to the preparation, to the eating and even the clean up. I don't know what it was about it, but the usual stress that comes along with having people over wasn't there. It's not a secret that I don't enjoy large gatherings, even if they take place at my house and I planned for them. I didn't feel any of that on this day, or the days leading up to it. Part of it might be that I am in a better place, but I think more of it was due to it not being OUR family members that were coming. There's a certain stress that comes with family, that you don't get when it's friends, or even their families. It was a wonderful day that I will treasure in my heart for a long time.

A Picture's Worth 1,000 Words

2010-12-25T19:56:00.003-05:00

December 25: Photo-a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose the one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about yourself. (author: Tracey Clark)

As the family photographer, you find that more often than not, there aren't that many photos of you. Just today, The Boy™ picked up and snapped some pictures of me while I was learning how to use Ms. Thang's new Rip-Stick board in the kitchen. We were having a jovial time, and he said, after taking a picture, there aren't that many pictures of you. Well, you don't say. I went back through all the pictures of me from this year, of which there are few, including the ones from this morning, and I have to say, this one, taken the day after my new niece was born is my favorite.

The Boy™ took it at the hospital, while I was sitting on the side couch, enjoying every minute of holding her in my arms. She was sound asleep, and quiet, and everyone was visiting and chatting, and her and I were just there, being. What I love most about it, aside from how I was feeling sitting there holding her, and how it is a wonderful remembrance of it, is the look on my face. I hate having my picture taken, and so the best photos, end up being the ones when I didn't know the camera is pointed at me. In this picture, I can see that I'm happy. Not just because I'm holding my beautiful new niece, but truly, and genuinely in a good place.. happy. The tiredness isn't there, there are no hidden worry lines, or fake smiles covering up anger and hurt. In this picture, and on this day, and at this time in my life, I am happy. I am so glad to have this photo as proof of that. It's a nice place to be.

The Long And Winding Road..

2010-12-24T22:28:00.002-05:00

December 24: Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? How will you incorporate that discovery into the next year? (author: Kate Inglis)

It might have been early in the year, sometime during the winter. I was standing at the front door, looking out towards the nut tree where my bird feeders hang, and watching the birds play in the snow. The Boy™ came up behind me and hugged me and put his chin on my shoulder. As I stood there in the quiet, I remembered back to where we had been a year earlier. How our relationship had been put through the ringer, and somehow, we managed to come out of it in one piece. Not whole, and certainly in need of some healing, but we had pulled through. As I stood there, I realized that as awful as it had been, and as hurt and miserable as I was during most of late 2008/early-mid 2009, right there with him was where I wanted to stay. Forever. That we could have been where we were, and I could still feel safe, and loved and home...right there in his arms, said everything I needed to know. The second half of 2009 our relationship was still shaky. We were trying to work through where we had been, and feelings (mine mostly) were still raw and vulnerable and while I was trying really hard, sometimes it was like walking on egg shells.

This year, 2010 has been a time for healing. A time for rediscovering who we are, on our own and together as a couple. A time for having meaningful conversations, and spending time together again, instead of just occupying the same space. Throughout this entire year, I have begun to feel whole again. When we were stuck in that hell, I felt like part of me was missing. Like someone had cut off my arm and I couldn't manage to make it work with just one. It hasn't been easy, and it has taken a lot of work, and a lot of conversation, and a rebuilding of trust. As tricky as it was to lose the money that The Boy™ was making at his contract job, it was one of the best things that happened for us. Also, one more person was hired to work under him, so he isn't having to do so much work on his own, and is working from home less. Even with me having to work all summer, I feel like the time we spend together is better. We are better. I, finally, am better. I can't wait for 2011.

The Name Game

2010-12-23T21:14:00.003-05:00

December 23: New Name. Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? (author: Becca Willcot)

I hated my name when I was growing up. When I was at school, and starting a new grade with a teacher, and we did attendance for the first time, there was always a discussion that went like this, "Beth xxxx". "Here". "Is your whole name Elizabeth?" "No." "Bethany?" "No." "What is it then?" "Just plain Beth." :: big heavy sigh here :: Even now, when I give my name as Beth, sometimes I get, "Legal name?".. that is my legal name. If I'm giving you my name for something important, and it was more than just Beth, don't you think I'd tell you?!? Arrrggg. Anyhow, that was then.

I asked my mom once why they named me Beth. She told me that her and my dad had a heck of a time picking a name for me. She wanted to name me Jennifer (ugh, no offense if you are one, but I was always glad I wasn't). Dad said no, it reminded him of someone he knew in college. She threw out a few more names, with similar results. He wanted to name me Elizabeth, as it was a family name on his side and all the women had it somewhere in there name, either first, middle or a version. She said no, she wasn't naming me after his mother. Eventually they settled on Beth. I used to feel sad about this. My name was just settled on. I knew what name I wanted for my daughter long before she was ever even conceived. I was settled on. How sad.

Over the years since then, I've come to love my name. It's not as common as some names, and it's not off the wall, and it fits me. When you look up Beth on one of those name finder things, it tells you that it is English, and means God is my Oath. I actually have a card in my bible that has the verse that goes along with it, and it's very pretty. If I could pick another name for myself, even for one day, I don't think that I would. I'm happy being just plain Beth.

I Would Walk 100 Miles

2010-12-22T06:41:00.003-05:00

December 22: Travel. Where did you travel in 2010? How and or where would you like to travel next year? (author: Tara Hunt)

The Boy™ and I were planning on taking a big trip this year to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. I was socking some money away each month in anticipation of the big event, and we even went out and bought a set of real luggage. We were thinking of a trip to the Mediterranean, and I had already started scoping out places we'd stay and things we'd do. Then the contract work The Boy™ was doing ended and our financial situation changed, and that extra money that I had been saving, just wasn't there any more.

We decided instead, that we would go away for the weekend for our anniversary, and plan a big trip for year 20. We are ignoring the fact that Ms. Thang will graduate from HS that same summer, and Mr. Man will likely be in his 2nd year of college, we are going to take a trip that year if it kills me. In our 15 years of marriage, we had never gone away by ourselves until this year. I don't know why.. probably due to money and babysitting and it just never worked out and maybe I never thought of it before. It was nice. It was really nice. It was so nice, that we think we are going to go away every year for our anniversary. Just a weekend trip away somewhere. Next year I'm thinking Lake Champlain. We'll see how it works out.

How Much Longer?!?!

2010-12-21T20:25:00.002-05:00

December 21: Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the years ahead? (bonus: write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (author: Jenny Blake)

I couldn't help but think of the song Five Years Time by Noah and the Whales when I read today's prompt. In five years from now I will be 41 years old. I will have celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary that year, hopefully by going on a big trip off this continent. I will have a son about to turn 21 years old, and be of legal drinking age. With any luck, he will be pursuing his dreams in a swanky college for highly intelligent people. I will have an 18 year old daughter who will just have graduated from H.S., and will hopefully be attending some swanky culinary school in her life dream of being a chef. For the first time in our married lives, The Boy™ and I will be alone. It's crazy to even think about, and more crazy to think that it will only be 5 years from now. Five years really isn't that long. I haven't considered until right now, that I will only have my children here for such a short time. There is so much that I still want to teach them, and share with them. I don't know what to tell my future self, other than to slow down. Spend more time together. Do less yelling. Let stuff go. Laugh together. Share things. Make this time together something that they will want to remember. Love them.

Ummmm.. No

2010-12-20T05:56:00.003-05:00

December 20: Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: will you do it?) (author: Jack Nickell)

Some of these prompts are hard. Not because the answer to the question is hard, but because I don't know what the heck to write. I didn't skip doing anything this year because I was scared etc. I ran a half marathon that scared the heck out of me. I got a summer job when all I wanted to do was stay home and soak up the sun in my garden. I have done the hard scary things. There may be things I haven't done out of pure laziness, like running these past few months, but I like to think that I don't let myself stand in the way of what I want anymore. I used to be that person. I think I've grown into someone a lot better. Like, Beth version 3.0 or something.

When I Get That Feeling....

2010-12-19T20:53:00.001-05:00

December 19: Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (author: Leoni Allan)

I came here intending to post that I didn't receive any healing in 2010. I didn't have an area of my life, or a relationship that was in need of healing, other than with my mom, and I already blogged about that. I sat here, and started typing, and decided that if I posted that, and went on to write about it, I would be a liar. I didn't intend to be a liar, I just had a moment of forgetting. That I could forget, says a lot about where I am now compared to this time last year.

If you are a long time reader of my blog, or know me in real life, or have even gone back and read the past year or two of posts here, you would know that my husband and I went through a really rough patch during the later half of 2008 and most of 2009. . Not just a rough patch, I'm talking.. a real bad time. A lot of different things were going on at that time including him working a million hours and putting work first before everything, and me being in a bout of depression that I didn't recognize until later on.. to name a few. It was ugly. I won't even try to gloss it over. For a while I wondered if we'd actually survive together through it. Throughout the past year, however, we have been working really hard on patching our relationship, and our marriage, and I have been working on patching myself. I am not going to lie and say that it has been easy. It has been a lot of work, and we have had moments when we have gone backwards instead of moving forward, but we are getting there. One of the things that I have learned through all of this, is that I need to communicate better with him. I told him all during that time how I felt, but I didn't put it into words that made him think, "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger." The day, or night (I can't remember) that I finally let it all out and told him that I didn't think I could do this anymore, to him, was like hearing it all brand new for the first time. He heard the words I had been saying, but he didn't HEAR what I was saying. That is something he has been working on. It has been a slow process, but I can honestly say, that the past few months, maybe even the second part of this year.. things are better. Things are a lot better. I wouldn't say that they are back to how they used to be, which is a good thing. How they used to be wasn't working so well. We are doing much better, and if nothing else. it has brought us closer together and made our relationship stronger.

Do or Do Not. There is NO Try.

2010-12-18T21:36:00.002-05:00

photo from last night: ready for the semi-formal

December 18: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did/didn't go for it? (author: Kaileen Elise)

It seems I always have a list of things that I want to do and try, and not enough time to get to them all. Next year I want to start snowshoeing on a regular basis. I hate winter, and I think if I had an outdoor activity that involved snow that I enjoy, it might make it more tolerable. I want to learn how to make a quilt. I'd love to be able to buy a decent bike and start biking on the days I don't run. I want to try my hand at spinning yarn. I want to try and run a full marathon. Will I get any of these things done? I don't know.

This year I ran a half marathon. I learned to sew. I went away with husband for our anniversary. I learned how to be a better friend. I tried to be a better mom/wife and while I may have made a bit of progress at both of those things, I'm not sure I succeeded at either. Next year, I will try better.

Can You Teach an Old Dog New Tricks?

2010-12-17T09:16:00.003-05:00

December 17: Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (author: Tara Weaver)

In order to answer this question, I have to first ask myself, "What did you learn about yourself this year?" and then from there decide what the best thing was. That is a tricky question. What did I learn about myself this year? I learned that I might be too hard on my kids, especially my son, and I need to be more understanding of his plight as a teenager and cut him some slack. I learned that I might be too critical of my husband, and I need to just appreciate what he does more, instead of focusing on what he's not doing, or not doing well. I learned that sometimes I focus too much on the bad, and the negative, and I need to spend more time focusing on the good and being positive. I learned that I complain a lot (but you knew this, didn't you?).. and I need to do less of it. I learned that when I take time for myself, instead of always being busy and on the go and doing for others, that I am happier and calmer and in a better place. I learned that when I don't spend enough (or any) time exercising, I get crabby and irritable. It would appear that I had quite an eye opener of a year, but I think deep down I always knew these things, I think I just openly aknowledged a lot of them this year.

As a result of this, I have targeted these all as things I want to work on next year. I feel like I need a bit of an overhaul.. or that my attitude needs a major overhaul, and I want to make this a focus of 2011. I don't want to be known as that "cranky bitch who lives at the end of the street". I don't want my kids to think back on me as someone who was always cranky and complaining. I have realized that I have few years left with them in the house, and I want to try and foster better relationships with them before it's too late. I think it's going to be hard. I think I'm going to have to really expend a lot of effort to make this all work. I am committed to it however. I'll let you know how it works out.