Saturday, March 17, 2012

Trying to Find My Way Back

Today was one of those March days that they forecast to be warm and sunny, but then the sun takes until 4pm to break through the heavy cloud cover and it never quite lives up to your expectations. Lately I've had to do a lot of thinking about my expectations, and if I have them set too high. If I'm asking more of the people in my life than they are capable of giving me, or anyone at this time. My friend Sarah threw this quote out onto Facebook several weeks ago, "I like to think that if you put your trust out there, I mean if you really give people the benefit of the doubt and see their best intentions, people will rise to the occasion." Being I was in a particularly dark and moody place when I read it, I posted back "Typically" and she replied with the most profound statement that has stuck with me for the past two weeks. I find myself thinking about it often and I hope she doesn't mind if I share it. She replied, "Beth, there's no other way to be and disappointment comes from expecting others to meet our personal expectations instead of considering their reach. In the words of a wise friend, "everyone's just trying to do the best they can."..." and went on a bit more, but this was the part that brought me to tears when I read it. 

I fail at this all the time. I have had more conversations with The Boy™ over the years than I could count, just as recently as this past week, asking if I expect too much. He continually assures me that I do not, and that the failure lies with his inability to step up and meet my expectations. I'm not convinced. What if it's not that my expectations are too high, but that my need is too great? I have been giving this a lot of thought lately. I thought, for a while that perhaps I had some deep seated emotional needs that I was looking to be filled in the wrong manner. Hobbies, cleaning, busy-ness.. etc. I thought if I could a handle on that, and get my spiritual life back on track, that the rest would take care of itself. That hasn't turned out to be the case, but it has allowed me to identify that there are needs there that aren't being met. What if they are out of the reach of the person who is here to fill them? What if it's a combination of both? These are the things on my mind as I try, every day, to move forward. When I sit and stare out that window and wonder why it can't be enough for a person to just love you.