Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Some Days are Harder Than Others

The days aren't always going to be easy, and I don't always have to be happy. This is something that I know in my heart, and yet somehow it always takes me a bit by surprise in the every day living. This past weekend, was the first weekend  in I can't even tell you how long, that I got to the other side of, and was able to say, "I had a good weekend, how was yours?" when I got work on Monday. I am still struggling a little bit with certain aspects of them, such as going to bed alone, and waking up and spending a good chuck of at least every Saturday, if not Sunday morning alone as well. Considering that I get up alone by myself all week long as it is, this is one of those things that I have to come to just accept. I am a morning person, who needs to go to bed fairly early (especially with this migraine medicine), and he is not. He would rather stay up late and sleep in. While I do cherish some of the quiet time I have in the mornings, when it gets to be a good chuck of your only days off together, well, that gets to be a little harder. When you start feeling like you spend a lot of time by yourself, then you can imagine that it's not always smooth sailing. Aside from that part of it, it was a good weekend. Far better than the ones we have been having, and it offered hope that maybe in fact our future could hold some pretty "great" weekends again some day.

Today has not been a great day. The weather has been downright dreary for a few days now, and I think it might be getting me down a bit. I got up, planning to go for a run and it was pouring. I thought, well, good thing, because my legs are still sore from Sunday. That frustrated me, because I don't want to fall into the excuse pattern again. Then after he finally got up this morning, he said some things that I took to be accusatory (whether they were or not) and it darkened my already slightly cranky mood some more. I was late for work, which was my own fault, and I was short with the kids today. There is no excuse for that. My job is to leave my crap at the door when I get there. Sometime during the morning, I txt'd The Boy™ an apology  and an I love you, and then I never heard back from him all day long. I know he checks his work phone 400plus times a day, and I felt frustrated and hurt that he couldn't take the 5 seconds to text me back and acknowledge that he at least got my message. This is an ongoing problem, which is why it bothered me so much. The kids had a half day, and we had some trainings for all sorts of stuff and mine took me to an elementary school in the next town over across from the HS. On the way over, I stopped at my house (my friend drove) to grab an orange and drop of my stuff, and my own slacker children hadn't even let our dog out of her crate, and they had been home for an hour. They do this often now, because neither one of them wants to be bothered to put her outside. Seriously??! On top of all that, the two of them had to be back at the HS for some learning fair at 5:00pm, and he rolls in at 4:25, with a short 15 minutes to spare before having to leave again and not return until 8:00pm-ish. So when he mentioned that I looked kind of disgruntled, I told him that I felt kind of disgruntled, and when he asked why, all I could say was, "It doesn't matter, it's not important."

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Epcot's Flower Show

During late March, while we were at Disney World (did you think I might forget to come back and blog about our trip?), Epcot was holding an International Flower & Garden Festival presented by HGTV. In fact, it's still going on and is scheduled to run through until May 20th. The Boy™ had to travel down to Orlando for a work conference during the first week of March when they were first setting it up and was at Epcot the day it started. We arrived with the band about 3 weeks later, and it amazed him to see the difference that those 3 weeks made with the flowers. Also, there were displays set up at Epcot that hadn't been there when he was. According to the brochure that I picked up, because yes, I am that tourist, this is the 19th year that they have done it. The festival runs for 75 days and showcases more than 100 topiaries, including more than 75 Disney characters. On Saturdays they have the "Flower Power" concert series, and this weekend Herman's Hermit's will be there performing "I'm Henry the VII, I Am". LOVE THAT!

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

When the Truth is Right Before Your Eyes

A good friend reminded me this morning, that every day, we start over. That you have to look past specific mistakes, and be forgiving of the human weaknesses that we all have. That right now, I need to try and be loving to both myself and to The Boy™.  Isn't it funny how the most simple truths, that we know in our hearts, can get lost? How sometimes it takes a gentle reminder to lead us to what we already know? I'm not sure when she sent me the message, which went on a bit more, and I cherish her taking the time to reach out to me with, but I didn't get it until this morning.  I read her words right before I got into the shower to get ready for work. If you're a long time reader of my blog, you know I do my best thinking in the shower. If you are new here, I apologize for the mess you have stumbled onto. I'm doing the best I can right now. Which is what I emailed to The Boy™ when I finally got a chance to at school. I wish I could've emailed him right away, while the thoughts were still fresh in my mind, but I didn't get a chance and I'm sure that I lost some of it.

I told him that I owed him an apology. Actually, I told him that I probably owed him a few more than that. That I was doing the best that I can right now, and that he probably was too and I should be acknowledging that. That I should be looking at each day as a chance to start over...new, and try again, and I haven't been doing that. I told him again that I was sorry and that I will try harder. Because at the end of the day, all we can do is try our best, and hope that it's enough. As I walked to work this morning, I realized that he has trying, maybe not lately, but he had been, and he felt like he was failing.  So, I think he quit trying. I remember that during one of our conversations he told me that. Of course, it was one of those conversations where I had been upset, and we had one of those talks that ended up with me crying and all that goes with that, so I heard him say the words, but I didn't process what they meant at the time. In fact, I didn't process them at all until today. Unfortunately for me, it is a short walk to work and I had tears in my eyes when I walked into my building, because I can't say that I blame him for giving up. I thought about how awful he must have felt, making an effort and feeling like it was getting him nowhere.

The problem lay with me. There were some really specific things that I had targeted as "red flag" areas that needed to be addressed. Like, "These things really  need to be worked on or I'm not sure where go from here" kinds of things. We had the conversations about them. I explained until I couldn't anymore how I felt and why and what I needed from him in these areas. He told me that he really wanted this to work and that he was willing to make the changes necessary to do so. What I failed to realize, until today, was that change is an individual kind of thing. Obviously I knew it wasn't going to happen overnight. But I thought, because I had stated so clearly what needed addressing the most, that those things would take priority. What I didn't think about, is that everyone works differently. That maybe, in his own way, he was working on changing and getting to those big things. That perhaps it was a process he had to go through, because for some people, you can't just start doing whatever it is that needs changing. Being a person who can do that, this wasn't something that I even considered. Until today. Instead, I accused him of working on "the easy stuff" and ignoring the bigger issues that I thought were the most important and, well... as you are probably aware it hasn't been easy at my house for a while now. But today is a new day, and this morning, I chose to start over.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Tired of the Act

The church bells are chiming down the road that mass is about to start, and I'm here, instead of there. I told him that I wasn't going with him today and that he didn't have to bother to wait for me, as I headed into the shower. After the past few days, I couldn't bear the thought of sitting there in the pew next to him with all of that distance  between us. We went to church within the past few months  after a spell like this and it was awkward and uncomfortable. I know that God doesn't care and that I shouldn't either, but I can't get past it. Last night we attended a drama production at the H.S. that Ms. Thang was in together, and at the last minute I almost didn't go. My friend C was going, who knows a little bit of how crappy things are right now, but his parents were also coming and I didn't know how I was going to be able to be there and pretend like I was fine. Like everything is OK with us right now when it's so clearly not. Then I heard a whispering voice say to me, "But you have to go, your daughter is in this show. You are going for her." In the midst of my own agony, I was forgetting the bigger picture. Of course I went. I sat next to C, at the end of the isle, far away from him, and laughed harder than I have in I can't even tell you how long. She was fantastic and I needed that in a big way. There was this one scene, where her character has just told her husband how unhappy she is with him, and their life and she's sitting on the bed in the hotel thinking about how miserable she is, and the look on her face.... all I could think of was, "Is she able to pull that off because she's seen that look so often on mine?" I can only pray that the part of me that wants this to work out is stronger than the part of me that doesn't want to keep going through this anymore.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Broken and Battered like the Shore

I stood in the shower, the tears streaming down my face, almost as hot as the water that ran from the faucet. I felt my heart pounding faster in my chest, as my blood pressure must have soared higher and higher. A million thoughts ran through my mind as the emotions swept over me, until I though perhaps I might shatter into a million pieces and wash down the drain alongside my tears and the soap suds. I've read in books where they talk about heaving sobs, but I never really understood what that was like, until that moment when I experienced it for myself. I cried until there were no more tears left to cry, and I finished my shower. My brain was on overload as I dried off, and  I kept coming back to the same thing... I can't stay here. Not today. Nothing good was going to come of my being there, and the thought of it hurt almost more than I could bear. I knew that if I stayed, things were going to get said that I was going to regret, and that it was just going to make things worse.  I knew where I needed to go, and I knew that it was early enough in the day that I could get there. I layered on some warm clothes, packed a tote bag with my purse, my knitting bag, my iPad, a blanket, and packed a lunch. I filled my gallon jug full of water, grabbed my phone and told him goodbye.

 When he asked where I was going, I told him I didn't know, but I did. I was headed to the ocean. I was going as far away from home as I possibly could get.  I was going to drive the miles, and miles it took to get there, and therapeutically cry my heart out along the open roads. Instead, I told him that I needed to leave. That it hurt too much to be there right now, and that in order to stay, I had to go. That I was probably going to the beach, to sit and stare at the water and think about why it was I wanted to keep doing this. I explained to him how I was feeling, and why I was hurt, and I felt my frustration with him rising higher and higher because I feel like I keep telling him the same things over and over and he just doesn't seem to get it. I explained why I couldn't stay there, and why I needed to leave, and he said nothing. He sat there and looked at me, and said nothing. So I picked up my bags, and my water, and said goodbye again.  And I left.