Friday, September 09, 2011

Just Barely...

2011 will be a year that stays in my memory for a long, long time. I can rattle off some other significant years; the year of my car accident, the year I got married, the years my kids were born, the year we bought our house and so on and so forth. There is a year of my life where my job was so awful that I've actually lost entirely. Sad thing is, it's half of two different calendar years, but I don't remember any of it, except for how awful things were at school. I can tell you how hard the year was after my nephew Max died, or about the year that I thought for sure my entire world was going to fall apart or about the year that had that we had so many snow days we were in school until almost the end of June.

This year however, this year is kicking my rear. It started out on such a great note. I was in a good place for the first time in a long time, and during January I went away on an amazing retreat that changed my life in so many different ways. I really had high hopes for the year. Goals for myself and things I wanted to work on. Plans for the house and the yard and a million other things that were rattling around in my brain.

February came, and we all know how much I loathe February as it is, and everything changed. Health issues cropped up. I stopped running (mostly due to the aforementioned). Projects I had been working on stalled. My faith wavered and my spirit was crushed. The wind was literally knocked right out of my sails.  Six and a half months later, and I feel like I'm still struggling so hard to get back to where I was in January. I am tired, and cranky, and just worn down. Part of me wishes I could just rewind to that fateful week, and do it differently. The rest of me thinks that in the end, all of this will be worth it to finally have some answers. The part that is barely hanging on... well... right now I'm glad the knot at the end of my rope is pretty big.

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