Sunday, February 26, 2012

A Long Week

The roosting nest that hangs in the hedge next to the walk that leads to the porch has come apart. The top part is still attached to a branch, and the bottom part has wedged itself into a section of the bottom of the hedge below. All winter long I have watched, from the large window in my kitchen that is above the heater, and have waited, wondering if the winds will release it from it's wedged location and send it sailing off to parts unknown. The roosting nest that hangs in the back yard, in the section of Choke Cherry trees next to the Town Hall lost its hanger last spring.  Over the summer I gave it a new bit of rope and hung it in a spot I can see it from this chair as I sit and type, blowing in the strong winds that we have been experiencing these past few days. I have watched as the birds have slowly returned to the yard. I think about how I should replace those roosting nests with news ones. How I should go out and fill the feeders and the suet holders. I wonder if we are due for a wallop of winter during March, or if spring will sneak in slowly and winter will have been a wash this year.

I have spent a lot of time staring out these windows this past week. We have been on winter break from school, which has been a saving grace. I haven't had to put on my "I'm fine" mask and pretend that everything is OK when quite clearly it is not.  It has been a rather difficult week. One of those weeks where you have to wonder if you are going to come out on the other side of it in one piece. For a few days, I wasn't sure. In the wee hours of Tuesday morning, after the rest of the house had gone to bed, I sat here in this same chair and hashed it all out in my heart. For several long hours I wondered if I was strong enough to keep doing this. If I could keep going the way we have been going. I searched my heart, and I cried and I wrote. Page, after page, tears dripping on the lines and blurring the words. I wrote until there was nothing left to say, and my eyes couldn't focus on the page anymore. I left the letter under his work cell phone,  and then I went and tried to sleep on the couch.

There have been some long, and tearful talks since then. You can't expect something that has taken years to break, and expect it to be fixed overnight after some long talks and a few days of "trying to be better". He might be guilty of this behavior, and it causes me a lot of frustration. My heart is still raw, and sad, and I'd be lying if I said I'm not scared that it's too late. But I promised that I wasn't ready to quit yet. That I was willing to try and make it work, but that I was tired of being the only one doing all the work and he had to step up. Now I can only wait.

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