"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
~ Douglas Adams
Friday, June 01, 2012
Finding Our Way Back
I always cringe a little bit whenever I hear people say, "Well, it can't possibly get any worse." It can always get worse, and sometimes I feel just saying those words is an invitation to make it that way, and so I choose not to. I did think though, that things here, with us, were about as bad as they could get. It would seem however, that I was wrong. Reflecting on it now, from the other side, I think they had to get worse in order to get better. I know that seems a little crazy, and maybe all the stress I have been under for the past year and a half or so has finally gotten to me, but hear me out. While we both truly wanted for things to move forward from where they were, and for things to improve and for us to be able to work through all the crap that was threatening to bury us alive, I honestly don't think we were ready. I think we thought we were, and I know we wanted to be, but the reality of it is, that we weren't. I couldn't see that then, but I can now. When we hit rock bottom, and were as broken as I have ever felt, that was when the most important conversations took place. That was when we sat down together and had the hardest, and most heartfelt conversations about us. Instead of just focusing on what wasn't working at the moment, and whatever hurt or failing or misgiving was happening at the time, we sat down and brought what we needed from each other, and what we wanted from our marriage back to the table. We have drifted so far away from each other, on so many levels, that even though we are here, doing what we do every day, we had lost sight of who we are together, and what marriage is all about. Even though I have been telling him that for longer than I can remember, I don't think he really understood it. I truly think, as awful as it might sound, that we had to go through this, in order to get back to where we needed to be. I know that it won't always be smooth sailing, and that we will have our set backs, but at least now we are back on the right road. Together.