"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
~ Douglas Adams
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Some Days are Harder Than Others
The days aren't always going to be easy, and I don't always have to be happy. This is something that I know in my heart, and yet somehow it always takes me a bit by surprise in the every day living. This past weekend, was the first weekend in I can't even tell you how long, that I got to the other side of, and was able to say, "I had a good weekend, how was yours?" when I got work on Monday. I am still struggling a little bit with certain aspects of them, such as going to bed alone, and waking up and spending a good chuck of at least every Saturday, if not Sunday morning alone as well. Considering that I get up alone by myself all week long as it is, this is one of those things that I have to come to just accept. I am a morning person, who needs to go to bed fairly early (especially with this migraine medicine), and he is not. He would rather stay up late and sleep in. While I do cherish some of the quiet time I have in the mornings, when it gets to be a good chuck of your only days off together, well, that gets to be a little harder. When you start feeling like you spend a lot of time by yourself, then you can imagine that it's not always smooth sailing. Aside from that part of it, it was a good weekend. Far better than the ones we have been having, and it offered hope that maybe in fact our future could hold some pretty "great" weekends again some day.
Today has not been a great day. The weather has been downright dreary for a few days now, and I think it might be getting me down a bit. I got up, planning to go for a run and it was pouring. I thought, well, good thing, because my legs are still sore from Sunday. That frustrated me, because I don't want to fall into the excuse pattern again. Then after he finally got up this morning, he said some things that I took to be accusatory (whether they were or not) and it darkened my already slightly cranky mood some more. I was late for work, which was my own fault, and I was short with the kids today. There is no excuse for that. My job is to leave my crap at the door when I get there. Sometime during the morning, I txt'd The Boy™ an apology and an I love you, and then I never heard back from him all day long. I know he checks his work phone 400plus times a day, and I felt frustrated and hurt that he couldn't take the 5 seconds to text me back and acknowledge that he at least got my message. This is an ongoing problem, which is why it bothered me so much. The kids had a half day, and we had some trainings for all sorts of stuff and mine took me to an elementary school in the next town over across from the HS. On the way over, I stopped at my house (my friend drove) to grab an orange and drop of my stuff, and my own slacker children hadn't even let our dog out of her crate, and they had been home for an hour. They do this often now, because neither one of them wants to be bothered to put her outside. Seriously??! On top of all that, the two of them had to be back at the HS for some learning fair at 5:00pm, and he rolls in at 4:25, with a short 15 minutes to spare before having to leave again and not return until 8:00pm-ish. So when he mentioned that I looked kind of disgruntled, I told him that I felt kind of disgruntled, and when he asked why, all I could say was, "It doesn't matter, it's not important."
It's not that I didn't want to tell him, I just didn't want to start anything when he had to walk right out the door. He didn't have time to talk anyways, and all he would do was say, "I'm sorry," but yet it would happen again. It seems like such a stupid thing to be upset over, but it's just one. more. thing. The bigger issue, is that weeks ago I told him that I wanted us to sit down and have a talk about what he wanted from me, about what I wanted from him, and about what we wanted from "us". He said he agreed, and asked when. I told him I'd give him some time to think about it, and we could have it when he was ready. I'm still waiting. I have a feeling I might be waiting forever. I've reminded him about it, and yet here we are. It's not so much that he didn't txt me back all day, it's that I don't feel important to him. It feels like I'm not important enough to take the 5 seconds to send the text back. I'm not important enough to call when he's going to be late and tell me so. I'm not important enough to have that conversation. It's so much bigger than the txt, but if I tell him all of that, than we slide backwards. Each day, I have been making a real effort to be positive, towards him, and about us, and really just trying to get back to where things were when they were good. On days like today, however, I am reminded that we still have these huge issues looming in the background, and a part of me feels like he's just as happy to keep ignoring them so long as everything else can be normal and good, and I can't do that.