Monday, November 26, 2012

Battle Weary

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside.... 

We fit that perfect family model. Husband, wife, 2 kids, a dog, some cats, a house, a car, and 2 jobs. Isn't that what everyone strives for these days? In a world where everyone is always trying to be more, do more, get more, some of us are struggling just to get our basic needs met. It's not always about what you have, or what is out of your reach. Sometimes it is about what is lacking at the most simple level.

In picture frames, I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling, but on the inside

There aren't very many photos of me over the years. As the child of an abuser, I developed horrible self image issues at an early age. Even now, as an adult, I have a hard time accepting compliments from others about how I'm dressed or how I look on any given day. It probably doesn't help that I very rarely receive them from The Boy™.  I know, in my heart, that you don't have to hear that you are beautiful or pretty, or that you look nice etc. in order to be those things. If you struggle with low self esteem however, not hearing them just reinforces what you already think of yourself. Stupid, huh? But there it is. As a result of all of this, I shy away from the camera. On top of that, these past few  years I have felt so sad, that I can't help but think it radiates out from me, and I don't want it caught on camera.

Oh, I can hear her saying

 I don't know what to say anymore. We go through periods when I think things are getting better, and then we fall right back to where we have been. I am tired of telling him how starved I am for some of the time that he gives so freely away to everyone else. How desperately I wish he would just sit and talk with me. How tired I am of having to explain that "How was your day?" is not a conversation starter. Especially if I want to leave my day at school (which I often do and he knows that), and he doesn't ever share anything about his day, or how he feels about anything with me anyhow.

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

I know that he's trying to not let work be this highest priority in his life, as this has been a huge source of conflict in our lives. I recognize that, and appreciate it. But it's funny how other things can so easily slide in and take the place of what was in the number one spot, instead of what should be there instead. After a tense day Friday, I went to bed, frustrated and alone. I go to bed every Friday night alone. He stays up and plays video games online with his brother and friends. It was a compromise I made, out of the goodness of my heart, that has turned into a contentious issue. He ends up staying up half the night, then sleeps half of Saturday away. Lately, he wakes me up when he comes to bed, and then I can't get back to sleep due to his snoring. Sometimes it turns into Saturday night as well, or any time he has a day off, or we aren't getting along.

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

And so here we are again. I tried to explain what was upsetting me, and he chose to not participate in the discussion. Now he feels like because he says "Hi", or "Good Morning" or whatever, and I'm still waiting for us to resolve our issues from over the weekend, that he's making an effort and I'm not. I guarantee when we finally have this out, he'll throw that in my face.  How he's been trying, and I'm giving him nothing. We've so been here before, and I don't even have the strength to deal with it. Yesterday he asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him, and the lonely part of my heart that is crying out for time with him wanted to scream "YES!", but we still weren't talking, and I was still waiting for him to get over himself and decide that we could maybe work this out, and so I said no. Then last night he woke me up from a nap for dinner, and he started with the words, "I screwed up..." and I thought we were going to work it out.. and after a huge pause, he followed with "..dinner." My already tattered heart shattered some more, and I had to get myself together before I could come to dinner. I'm so tired of it all... so very tired.

*Lead Me ~ Sanctus Real

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