Tuesday, December 20, 2011

In Which We Find An Anniversary.....

In an effort to keep the blog from reflecting what's going on with me internally, I've chosen instead to remain quiet. I thought about doing some fluffy-nonsense kind of posts like I've done in the past, but really, those aren't the kind of posts that I'm all about. As I've been going back and working on labeling all the old posts on my blog, those are the ones that make me cringe when I read them. I won't take them off, but I'm certainly not going to be adding any new ones. As I look back at the number of posts I've done this year in total, I can see what a struggle the year has been overall. There are other years that have been challenging for different reasons, and the number of posts in those years reflects a similar patterns. In prior years, I used to just come here and rant and rave about whatever thing was festering inside of me. The empty space on the screen was an invitation to get it all out. Release the poisons that were trapped inside so that they weren't building up like an internal time bomb just waiting to explode. But I realized, that my blog was starting to sound whiny. That all my posts were starting to take on a similar theme, and I didn't like it. I didn't like writing them, and I can't imagine that you liked reading them.

I've really been struggling with the holidays this year. I can't quite put my finger on the exact reason why. I don't think it's any one reason in particular. I think it's more likely a dozen or more little reasons that don't seem  significant enough on their own to even give them a second though, but all together they are just doing me in. My emotional state is a mess. I've choked up reading holiday stories to the kids at school. The few holiday specials/movies I've watched at home this year with my family have brought me to tears. Some of the advent devotional readings we've done around our advent wreath have had my family looking over to see if I'm OK while I read them. I'm a mess and I don't know what to do about it.

I went over to visit my good friend C  on Sunday afternoon for a few hours before she heads out to visit a friend in NYC for Christmas, and while I was gone The Boy™ hung up the wreaths on the house and put the lights out on the outside of the porch. I came home, didn't notice the wreaths, but as I pulled into the driveway, I noticed the lights on the porch, and I sat there in the driveway with tears in my eyes and thought about how he did that for me. We have been so straight out busy this year that we never got around to decorating the outside of our house. It made me sad early on in the season, and then I just wrote it off until next year and let it go. It was freezing cold on Sunday, and he put most of the decorations up, even if only for 2 weeks, for me because he can tell that I'm having a hard time this year. I don't know what I've done to deserve such a guy.

Today, is the anniversary of my nephew Max's death. He would've been 5 years old today, and the other day I allowed myself a bit of time to think about the little boy that he might be. Who would he look like? What kind of personality would he have? I remembered what Corey was like at 5 and how he liked to take stuff apart and fool around with computers and watch science shows and loved Star Wars. I think of my BIL Chris and how he loves building stuff and sports and wonder if Max would be into trucks and football and more "boy" things than Corey was. The day that Max died, on the way to school, I saw a cardinal in the yard of one of my neighbors. On the day of the funeral, a cardinal came to the bird feeder in my yard and stayed for a long, long time. Each year on Easter, since his death,  when we are at my MIL's house, I've seen a cardinal in her yard, just for a short time. Each time he is on my mind, or in my heart, I catch a glimpse of a male cardinal sometime during the day. I told my SIL how the cardinal has become kind of symbolic with me in regards to Max and why, and she thought that was beautiful. I've decided that I want to find a beautiful cardinal ornament for my tree, and perhaps one for hers as well in memory of him. 

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