Sunday, May 06, 2012

Tired of the Act

The church bells are chiming down the road that mass is about to start, and I'm here, instead of there. I told him that I wasn't going with him today and that he didn't have to bother to wait for me, as I headed into the shower. After the past few days, I couldn't bear the thought of sitting there in the pew next to him with all of that distance  between us. We went to church within the past few months  after a spell like this and it was awkward and uncomfortable. I know that God doesn't care and that I shouldn't either, but I can't get past it. Last night we attended a drama production at the H.S. that Ms. Thang was in together, and at the last minute I almost didn't go. My friend C was going, who knows a little bit of how crappy things are right now, but his parents were also coming and I didn't know how I was going to be able to be there and pretend like I was fine. Like everything is OK with us right now when it's so clearly not. Then I heard a whispering voice say to me, "But you have to go, your daughter is in this show. You are going for her." In the midst of my own agony, I was forgetting the bigger picture. Of course I went. I sat next to C, at the end of the isle, far away from him, and laughed harder than I have in I can't even tell you how long. She was fantastic and I needed that in a big way. There was this one scene, where her character has just told her husband how unhappy she is with him, and their life and she's sitting on the bed in the hotel thinking about how miserable she is, and the look on her face.... all I could think of was, "Is she able to pull that off because she's seen that look so often on mine?" I can only pray that the part of me that wants this to work out is stronger than the part of me that doesn't want to keep going through this anymore.

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