A good friend reminded me this morning, that every day, we start over. That you have to look past specific mistakes, and be forgiving of the human weaknesses that we all have. That right now, I need to try and be loving to both myself and to The Boy™. Isn't it funny how the most simple truths, that we know in our hearts, can get lost? How sometimes it takes a gentle reminder to lead us to what we already know? I'm not sure when she sent me the message, which went on a bit more, and I cherish her taking the time to reach out to me with, but I didn't get it until this morning. I read her words right before I got into the shower to get ready for work. If you're a long time reader of my blog, you know I do my best thinking in the shower. If you are new here, I apologize for the mess you have stumbled onto. I'm doing the best I can right now. Which is what I emailed to The Boy™ when I finally got a chance to at school. I wish I could've emailed him right away, while the thoughts were still fresh in my mind, but I didn't get a chance and I'm sure that I lost some of it.
I told him that I owed him an apology. Actually, I told him that I probably owed him a few more than that. That I was doing the best that I can right now, and that he probably was too and I should be acknowledging that. That I should be looking at each day as a chance to start over...new, and try again, and I haven't been doing that. I told him again that I was sorry and that I will try harder. Because at the end of the day, all we can do is try our best, and hope that it's enough. As I walked to work this morning, I realized that he has trying, maybe not lately, but he had been, and he felt like he was failing. So, I think he quit trying. I remember that during one of our conversations he told me that. Of course, it was one of those conversations where I had been upset, and we had one of those talks that ended up with me crying and all that goes with that, so I heard him say the words, but I didn't process what they meant at the time. In fact, I didn't process them at all until today. Unfortunately for me, it is a short walk to work and I had tears in my eyes when I walked into my building, because I can't say that I blame him for giving up. I thought about how awful he must have felt, making an effort and feeling like it was getting him nowhere.
The problem lay with me. There were some really specific things that I had targeted as "red flag" areas that needed to be addressed. Like, "These things really need to be worked on or I'm not sure where go from here" kinds of things. We had the conversations about them. I explained until I couldn't anymore how I felt and why and what I needed from him in these areas. He told me that he really wanted this to work and that he was willing to make the changes necessary to do so. What I failed to realize, until today, was that change is an individual kind of thing. Obviously I knew it wasn't going to happen overnight. But I thought, because I had stated so clearly what needed addressing the most, that those things would take priority. What I didn't think about, is that everyone works differently. That maybe, in his own way, he was working on changing and getting to those big things. That perhaps it was a process he had to go through, because for some people, you can't just start doing whatever it is that needs changing. Being a person who can do that, this wasn't something that I even considered. Until today. Instead, I accused him of working on "the easy stuff" and ignoring the bigger issues that I thought were the most important and, well... as you are probably aware it hasn't been easy at my house for a while now. But today is a new day, and this morning, I chose to start over.