Be Beth..

I AM...struggling to get so many areas of my life back on track. It's a slow process, but I feel like I am starting to make some progress. The tunnel has been dark, but I know there is a light at the end, and I am starting to see it flicker.

I WANT...to get back to how I felt when I wrote this post back in January of 2011. I had just come back from a 3 day retreat and for the first time in a long time, I felt calm and centered. Things have been such a mess for such a long time now, but I can still remember how I felt then, and it was awesome.

I SHOULD...be: drinking water. Doing something else other than this. Working on getting my schedule back on track. Painting in The Boy's™ radio room. Weeding. Working on using my free time better. Spending some time in prayer. Writing to my mom. Baking some granola.

I WISH...that I had a magic wand I could wave and make things better. That I had better control over my tongue and words didn't just come out before I could think about what it was that I was saying and what my tone of voice sounded like. That people didn't have to be sick with diseases that couldn't be cured.

I HATE...feeling like a failure, especially when it comes to my kids. Having teenagers is hard. I hope they both know how much I love them.

I FEAR...that I might lose my family in a tragic manner and be left alone.

I SEARCH...for the answers that lie inside of me, to the questions that I am afraid to ask out loud.

I WONDER...if I am doing what I am supposed to be doing with my life. If this is what God wants for me, or if he has something else in mind, and I'm just missing it.

I REGRET...not asking to hear the stories of my family before it was too late.

I HEAR...the unspoken words in the silence. The questions in the long stares. The pain hidden behind the anger. The love that is expressed through actions and not words.

I LOVE...with all that I have, in the best way that I know how, and pray that it is enough.

I AM NOT...perfect. Beautiful. Good at keeping my mouth shut. Knowing when to stop. Finished yet.

I SING...in the shower. In the car. In the grocery store. In the blueberry fields all summer long. Whenever I get a chance, I sing. I change the words to songs to suit the situation we are in, and then I sing to the kids at school to make them laugh. 

I CRY...because sometimes it's all just too much.

I NEED...more than I am able to ask for. To love myself more. To let go.

I HAVE...the strength to keep going.