Being a Mess is Exhausting

The words come out snappier than I intended them to and the look on his face flashed a glimmer of hurt. After several days of poor communication and crying in the shower, or in the quiet corners of the school house, I didn't care. That ugly voice inside yelled out, "Good! I've been over here hurting all week and what have you cared?" I didn't say that out loud, because I've been trying to get better about voicing those ugly thoughts that come when I'm feeling so broken and defeated, but that doesn't mean they have quieted down any.

I went to bed, and lay there alone with my thoughts. He had promised earlier in the week to take care of some things before it was time for bed, so that we could go to bed together, and hadn't followed through on that. I wasn't really surprised. He hasn't followed through on anything he's promised me this past year of struggle that we've been caught up in. He might make a small effort for a little while, but then he stops and things go right back to how they have been. It's been the same story for our entire relationship.

The next day the school district gave us the day off in preparation for the biggest blizzard of the century. I got up, the same as every other day, and went about my morning. After I was done all the usual morning things, and had wasted some time on the internet waiting for him to get up, I painted the second coat on the trim in the radio room. Disgusted at how late it was, I picked up my crochet project, and put a Netflix movie on my laptop. Behind my movie, I started a list of reasons why I should leave. A list of things that he can't seem to care enough to do anything about. He came down 5 hours after I got up and asked me how I slept. When you've been up for 5 hours, it's kind of a moot point how you slept, and I've explained that before. It was the start of an ugly morning, and a big tear involved conversation. Except, like most conversations, I seem to do all the talking and he just sits there and says nothing. I'm pretty sure that was on the list.

Ann Voskamp wrote that  "Poor communication doesn’t disconnect souls — it’s the disconnected souls who poorly communicate. When we’re well attached, we communicate well and when we aren’t fully communicating it’s because we don’t feel connected.
No matter our age, it never stops, this need to feel securely attached, and messy marriages can be because of attachment disorders. That’s what good relationships are: safe havens in the world, this base that makes us brave to venture out into the world — and safe to come home."  I couldn't agree with her more.

We had one good day yesterday, and today we are right back to where we seem to stay. That list? The one that I deleted after our long conversation was over? It had one reason why I should stay on it. Because I love him. In my heart, I have to believe that it's enough. That it's enough to deal with all the rest of this, and that someday, in the end, it will all be worth it. Or this was all for nothing.