Sunday, September 21, 2008

Say What You Need To Say

I came here tonight intending to give you a recap of my weekend and share with you about my beautiful sister-in-law's wedding, but my heart is too heavy and sad to do justice to such a special occasion, so I will tell you all about it tomorrow or the next day. There was going to be a photo here of my children, all decked out in their wedding garb, and I was going to lament a little about how grown up they both are and how proud I am of both of them. Instead I will share with you a photo my son took from the Cathedral steps yesterday after the ceremony was over, right as the sun was starting to go down. I'd like to tell you that he took it because he was moved by the gorgeous image the sun created over the city, but he was really just taking a photo of the radio tower in the distance. He's a bit geeky in that way.


I learned something about myself today. Actually, I don't think that's entirely true. I think I've known this about myself for a long time, I just tend to forget about it until it jumps out and hits me up side the head. It seems that I expect more of people then they are capable of giving, and am constantly disappointed when they don't live up to my expectations. I used to think it was that my expectations were too high, but I've realized that isn't the case at all. It's just the people that I expect things from aren't capable of giving what is is that I expect of them. In my heart, I have to believe that this is the case, because the alternative is that they just don't care enough and that is far too painful to think about and live with. What is sad and pathetic, is that I know this about them, and continue to let myself be disappointed over and over by the same things. I don't know why I can't just talk myself into knowing this to be the case and not being hurt, but I can't. I tell myself in my head, "I don't know what you are getting upset about, this happens EVERY time"... but it still hurts. It still rips my heart in half EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

So tomorrow I will share about the wedding. It was too lovely for how I feel at the moment. Tonight I'm going to cry alone in my coffee, while my kitten sleeps snuggled up next to me. Until then.

3 comments:

Carly said...

*hugs*

this helps me when I feel that way...

I read it once and saved it....


DailyOm -- Most of us have had the experience of being in possession of a piece of truth that we were afraid to share because we knew it would not be well received. There are also instances in which we ourselves have been unable to handle some truth confronting us. This might be a small truth, such as not wanting to see that our car needs repairs because we don’t want to pay for them, or a large truth, such as not fully accepting that someone close to us is pushing us away. Usually the truth is evident, and we can see it if we choose, but we have elaborate ways of hiding the truth form ourselves, no matter how apparent it is.

For the most part, we avoid the truth because it scares us, or makes us angry, or makes us feel like we don’t know what to do. We often create our lives based on a particular understanding, and if that understanding turns out to be fully or even partially incorrect, we may feel that our whole sense of reality is being threatened. It takes a strong person to face the truth in circumstances like these, and many of us run for cover instead. Nevertheless, we can only avoid the truth for so long before it begins to make itself known in ever more forceful ways.

Ultimately, there is no way to avoid the truth, no matter how painful it is, so the sooner we let down our defenses, the better. When we know the truth and accept that we may have to adjust our lives to accommodate, we are in alignment with reality. At the same time, we can be patient with people around us who have a hard time seeing the truth, because we know how painful it can be. Whatever the truth is, we make a sincere effort not to close our eyes to it, but instead to be grateful that we have access to it.

Knit Witch said...

I love the Daily OM. My husband is the same way. He trusts and trusts and trusts and just gets screwed over and hurt every time. Me, I'm a bit more cynical and I don't trust people as far as I can throw them. Which way is better??? Who knows...........

tspwlv said...

Did you have an out of body experience and become me last night? Let's just say, I totally feel you. And it's a sucky feeling. It's hard to lower your expectation constantly. But at some point you have to weigh the effort out versus the results in. I think I'm going to choose me this time. xoxoxo