Sunday, May 10, 2009

Say What You Need To Say

Growing up in a severely dysfunctional family, it has taken me 34.5 years to realize that it's not selfish to take care of yourself. It would seem kind of obvious, but really... it wasn't. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and right now.. the only thing I really want is to spend a day by myself. Away from here, and this, and all of it.. alone. If I had the funds, and he had the time.. I was contemplating a weekend trip to visit my best friend. I was thinking that some quiet time hanging out with my godson might restore my battered soul. The timing is bad all the way around, and so I kind of put the idea of being alone aside.

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

I thought maybe that was selfish of me, and my people would probably want me here to celebrate my big day, even if I don't much feel like celebrating. I decided I really didn't NEED to have some alone time, and things would just be OK. The thing of it is, they aren't OK. I'm not OK. I keep trying to convince myself otherwise, but the sad reality is... that I'm not OK. I am weary and sad and just plain beaten down. I am exhausted mentally and physically and I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine when it isn't. I'm trudging through, doing the best I can, but I'm starting to feel like my best just isn't doing it anymore.

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

It's one of those situations where it's not just one thing.. it's a bunch of things all being thrown at me at one time. That's kind of the story of my life. It can't ever just be an issue with the kid, or a family situation, or a work thing, or a rough patch with The Boy. It has to be all of these things at the same time, threatening to crush my very being. I am battle weary, and I feel like I need an army just to get through this.

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

I'm revisiting the alone thing however. A wise person told me that you can't take care of everyone else, if you aren't taking care of yourself. It's not that I'm not taking care of myself... it's my inner self that needs some TLC. I think I might go to the beach the Saturday after my birthday. Maybe I need to sit on the sand and watch the waves batter the shore, and think about how I am going to get through all of this. Maybe I'll take one of my friends with me.. who knows what a hard time I'm having and will listen without offering advice and make me laugh even if I don't feel like it. Maybe it won't work out... but it will be nice to think about.


Sgt said...

Nothing beats a good stress free recharge day or two. Except, does such a thing really exist?

Recently I skipped going to an event with the family to have a nice quiet day with no obligations what so ever. I figured I'd just watch movies, sleep, play video games etc. Instead, at least once every freakin hour one of the neighborhood kids would come by to ask if their respective friend (my children) was around. This of course reminds me that the kids aren't around and I feel blah. Sure I love not having to solve world crisis like one not letting the other watch tv in their room or getting a drink for the fourth time in a row instead of them all coming at once.

What I have found that is more practical and seems much more effective is taking an hour or two when I can. I get up about 2 hours before I have leave for work which gives me about 1 hour and 50 minutes to do whatever after I'm showered and dressed. I find that going running first thing is great. I hate running so much that pretty much the only thing on my mind is how much I hate running. No time to worry about how much fence materials are going to cost or how the children keep growing out of their shoes every 3 months it seems.

Mowing the lawn is good too. The thing is so loud people can't bother me and its like an hour of time lost in my own head to at least for a little while not think about how I'm going to save for retirement, pay for 4 kids to go to college, pay for 4 kids to survive until college and have enough money to do things other than mow the lawn.

Now, I don't recommend you go running at 5am. You know, boobs have a way of attracting scrofulous characters, but maybe you find a space of time where you can just go somewhere for an hour and do something that doesn't allow you to think about the worrisome things.

Also, don't keep things bottled up. That just leads down dark paths. As you quoted. Say what you need to say.

Lissa (aka The Untamed Scrapper) said...

Hey there Beth... I know what you mean and while my childhood was vastly different from yours, dysfunction is dysfunction. It affects us all so differently. You're absolutely right. If you don't take care of you, everyone suffers.

I also have to have at least an hour to myself before I can be of any value to anyone else in my house. I get up at 6 typically to have "me time". I make coffee, sit down here at my computer and just do what I want. Sometimes I blog hop, sometimes I read email, sometimes I sit in my comfy chair and read, sometimes I sit in the dark and contemplate things. The point is, it's not important what I'm doing as much as it is important that I"m doing what I need to do for me.

If you need to get away, you should. Just some time where you're not, as your bf said, solving the latest world crisis between kids, spouses, friends, work or even between you, your own expectations of your family, friends work etc. Spend time alone reconnecting with the things about yourself you love and appreciate. It really will do wonders for your psyche!

Many hugs and love,