Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Sometimes The Day Can Be So Long...
Something that I've been struggling with lately, however, is accepting that just because you do something(s) nice for other people, doesn't mean that they have to reciprocate with nice things in return. In my heart I know this. I don't start out doing nice things for others with the goal being to have something done nice in return. That is selfish and crazy. I do nice things out of love. I do them because I enjoy the feeling I get by being nice to others. I do them because it's just who I am. I am a giver.
Being a giver, I give unconditionally, and expect nothing in return. Most of the time. The problem with having this type of personality, and with never ASKING for anything in return, is that it builds resentment. The other big problem, as I see it, is that there is only so much of me to go around, and once I've given my all, if nothing is given back, then I feel empty inside. When I get to this point, which I do, more often than I'd like to admit, I get a little cranky. I feel sad and unappreciated, and even though the person who I am giving to is genuinely pleased to be on the receiving end, it doesn't make me happy to be giving anymore.
Sometimes, it makes me feel like a doormat, and I have to stop and wonder, why am I like this? I don't really know. I know that I have some need that obviously isn't being met, but because I am a giver, and not a taker, I have a real hard time asking for my needs to be met. A big part of this, is because for a good part of my life, whenever I have expressed these needs to others, they have largely been ignored. So, I have stopped asking. Lately, I've noticed that my heart is feeling a little heavy, and I think it's because my well is starting to run dry.