Saturday, January 26, 2013

If You Get Lost You Can Always Be Found

Long time readers of my blog will not be surprised to discover that I am in the midst of the winter doldrums. If you are new around here, welcome! I am so glad you stopped by. You would think that living in New England my entire life, minus almost half a year that I spent in S.C., I would be used to winter and it's depressing effects by now. You would be wrong. Each year I come at winter with a new plan of how I am going to fend of the days of being stuck in the house when it's too stinking cold to step foot outside. Of how I am going to deal with the days when the sun doesn't shine for what feels like months at a time and the dreary, dark days threaten to swallow me whole. I plan for how I'm going to get my exercise in, and what temperature I won't run underneath and how I'm going to accommodate for the fact that it's dark in the morning, and dark again soon after I get home. It always seems like it will work out so well, and then we pass Christmas and January shows up.

I used to think that February was my most hated month of the year. It's cold in February, and by the time it shows up, I'm so sick of winter I can barely stand another day. What I've come to realize over the past few years, is that I really hate January too, if not more. January is a long month, with out a break from school like we get in February. January isn't followed by March, which offers the hope of warmer, longer days. January is cold, and windy and depressing. On top of that, this year I pulled a muscle in my calf right after Christmas and it's just finally healed and now it's too darn cold outside for man or beast. It's enough to make you want to curl up in your bed under all of your warmest blankest and stay there until spring. The only saving grace in all this miserable cold, is that the sun has been shining. It doesn't feel so grey and gloomy, even if we are stuck inside.

On top of having to deal with seasonal depression, this year I've had to fight burn out at work. I went from working a whole school year, to having 3 days off at the start of summer and then starting my summer job early and working straight through until the Friday before we went back to work at school on Monday with only a handful of days off. Labor Day weekend was rough at home, Thanksgiving break was tough, and Christmas break wasn't all that great either. It has really taken it's toll on me, and I'm having a hard time at work.  I was ready for the school year to be over before we even got to Christmas, and I'm even more ready then ever now. Monday is day 90, which is the halfway mark of the year. We still have a long, long way to go.

I love the kids, and I'm grateful for my job, when so many people are without, but I'm starting to not like the road that our school district is headed down, and it is  making me wonder if perhaps it isn't time to start thinking about something else. I've had a restless feeling in my heart for some time now and I've been trying to ignore it, but that little voice is starting to get louder and louder. The thing is, I'm not sure what I would do instead. I'm not sure what I would want to do instead. I wonder if God's calling me towards something else, but what that something else is, I don't know and I hate the unknown. On top of that, we need my income and with only having one vehicle, working at the end of the road I live on is pretty darn handy. So how much of it is burn out, and how much of it is exhaustion, I'm really not sure, but I'm praying about it and keeping my heart open and we'll see where it goes.


Sage Grayson said...

I hear you! Winter is definitely a time for burnout. I used to live in the frigid Midwest, and February was the worst time of the year. Now I live in California, but I still do little tricks to brighten my mood in the winter.

Have you tried one of those lamps that simulate sunlight? Or at the very least, you could make sure the blinds are open during the day. I also try to listen to upbeat music to lift my mood.

Good luck! :)

Anonymous said...

Knitting soothes my soul in winter..Diane