Yah, I'm Scared. So What?!

I haven't blogged about this yet, because I'm a coward. I'm afraid if I talk too much about it, or think about it too much, or type it down and black and white, than it will be true. I know that is the dumbest thing ever, but really.. I don't care. The Boy knows, my best friend knows, my immediate co-workers who have to cover me while I'm having a consult with the Dr's on Wednesday know, and that is it. I haven't told my mom. I haven't told my SIL, who is like the sister I never had. My closest girlfriends don't know and I haven't told my kids.

I have to go for a biopsy and I'm scared to death about what it's going to reveal. There. I said it. For the past 3 years I've been having some women issues that started out pretty small and minor, and have, very slowly escalated into something bigger. After waiting, and hoping that it would all magically rectify itself, I broke down and went to my Doctor (I was due to go anyhow... I don't have to go every year anymore, only every 3). We talked about it, and she said it sounded like Fibroids, and maybe my Iron was bad, and I was due for a round of blood work (even though I just had it all worked up in the fall cuz of my heart, but hell.. I don't mind let's do it again) so let's go ahead and schedule an ultrasound and have a look shall we? She also told me that given the slow progression of the situation, the fact that I waited 3 years to mention it was exactly what she would've done and not to be too hard on myself. I love my doctor.


I should add here, that back in 2001 I was having different women issues. The biggest of which, IMO, was stabbing pains in what I was told is the area of my left ovary. Sharp, take your breath away pain that would stop you in your tracks until it passed pain. I had tests. I had ultrasounds (many). They played around with B.C. and other things and even want as far as to do a laparoscopy and go in and have a look. They didn't find anything conclusive, except that I have a normal kind of cyst on my left ovary that inflates and deflates depending on where I am in my cycle and that was nothing to worry about. Probably I was more sensitive to the pain than some folks and that is why it hurt so much (I have a high tolerance to pain, so this seemed like a crock, but there you have it.). We moved right after my surgery, and I had a follow up visit and that was it. My new Dr. was made aware of the situation and I've just kind of dealt with it since. The severe stabbing pain kind of ebbed of, and I'd get it on occasion but not too bad and just ignored it.

Anyhow, I went a few weeks ago and had my blood drawn and a pelvic ultrasound done. They looked at my ovaries and my uterus... took measurements of things and then had a look at my cervix and such other stuff. The woman who did my tests was very true to her job and didn't mention one thing what she was seeing or change her facial expression or what have you. This was on a Wednesday. She said my doctor would have the results probably by the end of the week and have a nice day.

Monday my doctor's office called and left a message for me to please call them back and go over my results. I happened to call from school to check my messages that day, knowing that I'd be getting a call sooner or later and talked to the nurse that afternoon. Turns out that my endometrial lining is much thicker than they would like to see, and there is complex fluid and debris in my uterus... and they want me to come in for a biopsy, when can I schedule the consult with the OB/GYN? Don't ask me what any of all that means, because I really don't know. I had a long discussion with my school nurse, who is also a dear friend of mine, and she couldn't come up with one positive thing that might cause results such as that (she's a nurse at the hospital also) but said she'd look into it and let me know otherwise. Endometrial Cancer keeps coming up over and over again... but I'm holding out hope that it's nothing major. Some hormonal imbalance or what have you.

My blood work came back fine. My iron is fine, but my reserves are a little low, my thyroid is fine, my cholesterol/vitamin d/ my electrolytes are all fine. All stuff I already knew, and while it made me feel better... it also ruled out a bunch of "easy outs" and made me more nervous. The not knowing part is what is killing me and I hate not knowing. I was supposed to go for my consult this week, but mother nature is a mean bitch and so I will go next week. I am hoping to schedule my biopsy ASAP and then we will go from there based on what they find. What I don't like, is that once they started poking around and pushing on things... that sharp pain in the area of what I still think is my left ovary (could be wrong) has come back. My ovaries looked fine on the test.. so now I have to ask what is causing that pain and start over.

So there, now you know and maybe I feel better for having told someone. I will update as I know anything, but assume that it will be a few weeks more at least. The Boy is betting I will have to undergo uterus removal this summer, and that is something that I will deal with when we get there. I won't be sad to see the sucker go, given all the grief it's caused me all these years.. but it will mess up my summer. In the meantime.. I'll take all the good karma I can get. Grazie.