I can still remember how I felt when I sat down to write last year's post on my word for 2012. How defeated I was feeling by the year that was getting ready to end, and how hopeful I was feeling that the coming days and months were going to be so much better. I find it ironic that I sit here, on the same day at the end of this year, with tears running down my face, feeling sad and defeated. It's no secret around this blog that this has been a difficult year for me. 2012 was NOT the year that I put myself back together. These past months have been like a roller coaster ride (and we all know how I loathe those), and we are currently back in a dip. I am trying to remain hopeful, and positive, but right now I'm having a really hard time. I'm tired of fighting so hard, and feeling like I'm the only one who wants this to work. He says he is committed, but his actions tell a different story altogether. I never realized you could be married, and feel so alone all the time. I am tired of crying.
I decided for 2013, I'm going to revisit my word for 2012, which was REVIVE. Revive, is a verb that means to start again; bring back to life. Some of the synonyms of revive are: awake, bounce back, breathe new life into, brighten, come around, come to life, energize, enliven, exhilarate, gladden, invigorate, make whole, refresh, rejuvenate, rekindle, renew, restore, revitalize, and strengthen. Every area of my life needs reviving right now, including myself. If the "us" isn't going to work right now, then I think it's time to focus on the "me". There's only so much sad, wallowing a person can handle. Somewhere, over these past years of struggle and hardship, I feel like I've lost myself. If not, I've certainly changed, and I'm not sure I like the person who stares back at me in the mirror some days. So this coming year is going to be about finding myself again, or rediscovering the person I've always had the potential to be, but just shoved aside. I'm looking forward to meeting her.