Saturday, September 22, 2007

random iPod.. and some therapy

Pray God you can cope. I stand outside this woman's work, This woman's world. Ooh, it's hard on the man, Now his part is over. Now starts the craft of the father.
Tomorrow is the first day of fall. Long time readers of my blog know that I love fall. I enjoy the cool days. The colors of the trees, the sky, the produce at the farm stand. I love putting on my sweaters, that get stored over the warm months. I love walking in the morning before school and seeing frost on the grass, and not feeling so hot and nasty when I get back. I love the smells of fall. Wood smoke, and warm crunchy leaves... things baking in the oven. My best colors to wear are fall colors. It was no surprise to me to find this out.. I feel at home in fall.

 I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left.
What may surprise you however, is how hard fall is for me. Fall brings with it, some very painful memories. Hurt that carves into the very depths of your being is hard to eradicate, and rears its ugly head whether you like it or not. It took me a long time to realize why I seemed to be a different person in the fall. More quiet and withdrawn. Moody, irritable, tired. Weepy. Weepy was the thing I had the hardest time pinning down. Was it hormones? The darker days (I suffer from seasonal affect disorder.. winter is a hard time as well)? The return to school and the exhaustion that goes with it? I did some soul searching, and traced back before I had my job at school.. before I had my kids.. and then it all kind of clicked.
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show. I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Fall brought the end of a horrible time in my life. While it spanned over other season's.. the most turmulous part.. how it all ended.. happened around Halloween. It's no secret that I hate Halloween. I have a good reason, I just chose not to share it with people. I find it horribly ironic that the time of year I most love, is also the time of year I most dread.
Of all the things I should've said, That I never said. All the things we should've done, That we never did. All the things I should've given, But I didn't.
While the past several years have been a bit better, compared to past years, this year is kicking my arse. We had a situation come to light this past week at school involving one of our students, that I happened to find myself caught in the middle of. One of those "wrong place at the wrong time" kind of things. I was witness to some heavy confessions from her, and because of this have to be involved in the situation. I felt like someone punched me right in the middle of my chest and sucked the air right out of me. It took everything I had not to bolt out of that room.. to not run away somewhere and be sick... to be able to stand there, and listen, and keep a "business-like" face and be an adult who could be trusted. Our counselor came, and took over, and I flew to the far corners of the basement of our building and had a good cry by myself. My co-worker, who was in the room with me at the time, came and found me later to make sure I was OK. She clued in when my face started to burn red... and said I had a haunted look on my face as I left the room.
Oh, darling, make it go, Make it go away. Give me these moments back. Give them back to me. Give me that little kiss. Give me your hand.
You try to convince yourself that you're "over it".. things are better and you've moved on. The nightmares don't come that often anymore. The "thing" isn't looming in the back of your thoughts so much. You can have civil conversations with people involved and not feel like you're having an anxiety attack. But it's never really gone I've discovered. Some things you can't get over. I've tried hard not to let the things I've been through define who I am. I think I have done a decent job at that. I do know that I am the sum of all my experiences however, and like to think that they have made me a better person. More understanding. More compassionate.
(I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left.) I should be crying, but I just can't let it show. I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Plato said, "Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

*This Woman's Work~Kate Bush (so wild that it would've been the song that played first tonight)
**photo from last fall

3 comments:

tspwlv said...

Big hugs Beth.

Carly said...

The most moving conversation I ever had was with a friend who lost her husband 15 years ago. She said "sometimes it feels like someone else's life. Then October comes and it rains and it feels like it was only yesterday."

big hugs from me too

Wild World of Scrap said...

Hugs to you Beth.... August is that way for me too...

Lis