A corny bit of humor

The Differences Between Men and Women

NICKNAMES: If Louise, Trana, Sheli and Eve go out for lunch, they will call each other Louise, Trana, Sheli and Eve. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though the tab is only for $22.50. None of them will admit to having anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.


BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of hair-caked soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 487. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things, often using coupons. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.


SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day--sometimes all week.


CATS: Women love cats. Men also say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.


LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. who will offer to help them with their laundry This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."


OFFSPRING: As for children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and young romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.