It has always seemed to me that funerals should take place on rainy days. The kind of dark, gloomy skies that match your mood, and rain to mask your tears of sorrow. Instead, on a bright sunny January morning, they are preparing to lay my nephew into the ground. The funeral procession just arrived at the cemetery (11:30am) and soon the service will begin.
The boy has gone, to support his sister and his family. I however, chose a different path to take today. We gave it enormous thought and decided that we couldn't subject our children to see a room full of the people they love crying and devastated over a baby that they never met. It wasn't any easy choice to come to, but it was our choice. We have the oldest children on any side of the families involved and believe that we made the right choice for them.
Because it hasn't been hard enough, with not getting a chance to go to the hospital (and my MIL called and gave The Boy crap about that... yet no one called to tell us what hospital they were at, and even if we could go visit that day), and not being able to say goodbye to the baby.... and missing the funeral today... my BIL, whom up until last night has always stood by me... hurt me deeper than I ever thought possible. He called up while we were playing a game with the kids, and laid into The Boy with a vengeance about why we weren't bringing the kids, and we were sheltering them (OK, if it was someone that they knew and had a relationship with.. we would've so been there)... and how this must've been my decision. (!)
Those few words hurt me deeper than I could ever imagine words could hurt. My friend (who grew up across the street from The Boy and his family) says maybe it's just misguided grief. Maybe... but that's no reason to be ugly. He apologized for "being an asshole on the phone" to the Boy at the church earlier, and The Boy told him that was fine but he better call me later and apologize too. And yet, I don't know that his apology will change anything. Because whether or not he was justified in saying out loud, he obviously was thinking it and that still hurts. Deep. So today my heart is broken, in many ways and for many reasons. But the sun is shining bright and promising better days to come.