Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Stick A Fork In Me...

I'm done. There comes a time when you have to look at yourself and your situation, and make decisions that may or may not make you happy. I reached such a place today. I am tired and defeated. It's Christmas, and I should be happy. My shopping is done. My gifts are wrapped. My house is warm and festive. I'm almost done my baking, and I've managed to fit in a sweater for my favorite 4 year old neighbor that is one sleeve away from done. My house is one room (well, let's pretend The Boy's batcave doesn't exist, that's his issue.. and we won't even think about what a disaster our barn is) away from being cleaned top to bottom.

I don't feel so happy though. I feel tired, and stressed out. I am grouchy and miserable to be around at home. My son is pushing all my buttons and my normally rational self is reacting instead of ignoring. I am tired of yelling. I am tired of asking for things to get done and being ignored. I am tired of feeling like a miserable bitch. I am just plain exhausted.

I'm still forcing myself out the door every other day (or in the case of this past week I skipped a few days for bad weather/roads, and did 2 days in a row) to go running, because endorphins are the only thing standing between me and the loony bin. I keep trying to tell myself that this hellish situation I am stuck in SHOULD be over with Friday. After we come back from vacation things SHOULD be getting better. I don't have a confirmation on that yet however, and so I can't let my guard down. It started out as 2 weeks. It's been 8 (a little longer, but 2 weeks were short and combined make 1 full one). It's hard to hold out hope that things are going to get better by a date, when that date keeps changing. It is making me miserable and I know that. I know why I'm crabby and tired and irritable and short tempered and just plain miserable. The thing of it is.. is that I can't done one god damned thing about it. That in a nut shell is what is making it so much worse. Normally, I can buck up and get through it, it's not like this is a new kind of hellish situation, and it's certainly not the worst I've been through. But coming off the heels of 2 similar YEARS, it's just kicking my arse.

My brother's and their significant others are coming over on Saturday, and I had planned to make ornament's for the "non-picked" people in our gift exchange. Last year I made cute little Santa hats in batches of 6 for everyone I didn't pick. This year I planned to make wreaths. I had to have 24 done. I've got 3 so far. It's not like they are hard, it's four or five inches of icord, and a bow. You would think I could manage to get this in.. I just can't seem to do it. If we have a snow day tomorrow I'm going to force myself to get them done. If not, I am going to take the slacker route and get lottery tickets or something (we decided one gift for our picked person, some small token for everyone else.. lottery tickets seems to be a favorite) small for everyone else. I planned to get my ornaments done over the summer.. I think next year I'll be better about this. Right now I just have to get through this week in once piece.

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