One month ago tonight I was a sad, miserable mess. I was sleeping, if one could call it that, on an air mattress on the floor of my craft room, and the tension in my house was so thick you could cut it with a knife. September 2012 was a month that will live forever in my memory, if for no other reason, but as a reminder of what I never want to return to. It was truly awful. I've come to realize since then, that happiness is something you have to choose, every day. Every day in September, when my world was crashing down around me, it was all I was focused on. There must have been good things going on, in fact, I added to my thousand gifts list in September, but I didn't see a whole lot of it. I couldn't. Or, more so, I chose not to. I was too focused on everything that was bad, and blinded to the rest. When you chose to see only the negative, and to focus on what is wrong with your life, your life reflects your attitude. I couldn't see that then, but I can now. Who wants to live like that?
Having come out on the other side, each day is new chance to start over. Each day I choose to be happy. To love my husband. To accept him for who he is, and not put my expectations on him. To apologize when I am too demanding, or cranky, or wrong. To express what I'm feeling, good or bad, and why, so that he can understand in the moment, instead of later, when I'm still dwelling and he's long forgotten. We are communicating more, and better. Even though it may not be at a level that I would like it to be at, it's a huge step forward in the right direction. I know that this is an area he struggles with and so I patiently and lovingly encourage him when he makes a real effort. He is recognizing when he has done something that upsets me, and why it might have done so, and that's pretty big too. We are both working harder, and being gentler with each other, and if we mess it up, we say we are sorry, forgive each other and start over. No grudge holding and no sulking. It may not be perfect, and we may not be perfect, but it is so much better and it's a start to finding our way back.