Sunday, April 16, 2006

Stuck in a Moment....

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard

I feel like I expect too much of people. Actually, I don't feel like this at all. I tend to think that my expectations of people are pretty low. I don't want it all. I don't even want most of it. I just want some basics. A little love, a little respect, companionship. I don't ask for fancy things, or jewels.. I don't want the world. I want to be treated with the same level of decency that everyone else wants.

I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

But I feel like perhaps this is beyond the realms of most people. If it's not their shortcomings, than it must be my high expectations. I expect to be treated well. I expect that if I am stuck in a vehicle with you for 75 plus minutes, that you will acknowledge my existence, and at least make an effort at small talk. I expect to not have to be the one making the effort ALL THE TIME. It's exhausting. As I get older, I'm finding myself becoming more and more irritated at having to make all the effort.

A bunch of years ago, I severed ties with an old friend. I felt like I was growing, and changing, but my friend wasn't growing and changing along with me, and neither was our friendship. I felt like, at that time in our relationship, I was doing all the work. And so I stopped. And my friend got a little pissy at my lack of putting in an effort. And I felt like it was a slap in the face. After some deep soul searching, I realized that perhaps we had outgrown our friendship. Some friendships are not ment to last a lifetime. I discovered that sometimes people are put into your life for a specific reason, and once their time is up, that's it.
I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby
Other people are in your life for the long haul. And it shouldn't have to be such an effort all the time. Not even most of the time. I realize that relationships take work. I am not a work-a-phobe. I work my arse off at just about everything in my life. But I'm getting tired. I can feel the mental exhaustion creeping around the edges.. whispering dark things that are best left pushed far away. I don't feel like I need to lower my expectations. I feel that sometimes, other people need to rise to the occasion. Step up and do better. Make the effort and then go the extra mile.
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

(*Stuck in a Moment, U2*)


Carly said...

I can so relate, as you know, having "broken up" with my best friend last year because I just got fed up with how she treated me.

Once I realized I didn't need to be HER doormat (the situation was different from yours, she used me for anythign she could get from me) I realized that there are plenty of other people who I allow to some degree to take advantage of me , including those under my own roof. I'm working on making them realize they need to get off their arses and help me more, but it's slow going because I let things get pretty bad.

Hang in there. Friendship should be a win-win for both.

The icky thing is, there are two sides to every story (I know I came across as the evil bitch to all of her other friends. I dumped her right after she had her 3rd miscarriage. I just couldn't stomach her trying to get pregnant over and over again when it exacerbates her MS. )

I decided I have no obligation to keep someone in my life when they consistently draw energy from you and don't give it back.

Awesome Abby said...

I've had friendships like that. Both kinds. You need your energy...they just zap it right out of you. Make you tired. You are tired enough without that.

RayneScraps Designs said...

I don't think I could have said any of it any better! I know that sometimes breaking off a friendship tho hard is the only way to survive it! There will always be some that are enduring and lasting but sadly there will also be those few that break your heart to leave but have to for your own well being! You need your energy for you and your family and a friend that knows that and loves you no matter what and that gives back as much as she gets! No frienship can survive if it's more give on one their parts constantly. Hang in there toots!
Gentle hugs