Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Sometimes...

Sometimes, you have to do things that are hard. Things that you don't want to do, but are required to do anyways. Sometimes the powers that be determine that you need to be tested, to be put through the ringer, to see how you come out on the other end. And even though you could pitch a fit and scream and whine, you do the hard thing anyways. Because you are who you are. And you have a work ethic. And even though you don't want to be doing this incredibly hard thing, you do it anyways. And you do it the best that you can, and you do it with a smile on your face. Well, most of the time.

And then, just when you think that you can't possibly do it one more day... that the powers that be were wrong, and you aren't the person for the task, and it's too hard.. emotionally and physically and what on earth were they thinking.. when you've reached the end of your rope and you feel like if you could just let go things might actually get better...

They get a little worse. And you are tested harder than you thought you ever would be. And there are meetings and people talking, and bickering and fighting. About you. And you hear these things and second guess yourself and wonder what on earth you were thinking when you agreed to do this, and why didn't they pick someone else, and who cares if I was best match because I. Just. Can't. Take. It. One. More. Minute.

And the weeks go by. 4 of them to be exact. And they are not easy weeks. And you notice that your health is starting to be affected and your mood is a little dark and miserable.. and the people that you live with are thinking that maybe someone has kidnapped the person they loved and knew...and the meetings continue and the bickering and you keep trekking along, pushing harder and doing better because even in the midst of all this turmoil, you know that in the end, however it works out, you want to be able to say.. I did my damned best, and it was good enough. I was just needed more elsewhere.

And then, on the day after the 4th week has ended... the day before the next meeting, the day you tell the head of the committee that is meeting.. that you are sorry you've missed the last 2 meetings but you just didn't feel comfortable being there, that you wanted people to hash out their issues and not feel uncomfortable doing it in front of you.. the tables turn.

And you find out that you are valued. And half the problem is that you do what you do so well, and rise to the occasion and take on these hard things that you really don't want to do, but do them because someone has to... that the people who are sharing you want you all to themselves. And because what they really both need is one person each, and half of you isn't working out because you can't be in two places at the same time.. that change is in the air.

And that hard thing that you have been doing so well, and have done such a good job at, despite not wanting to do in the first place.. you don't have to do it anymore. Well, maybe a few more weeks, while they find someone else. And instead, because you do what you do so well, you are going to get to do it all the time, instead of just half. And you find out that people really do appreciate all your hard work. They just don't always tell you.

Then you discover something about yourself. Unexpected. Surprising even. After a minute of quiet reflection on the whole matter, you realize that you are going to miss that hard thing. That you have become emotionally involved, and even though you didn't realize it, you've invested a part of yourself into it, and will miss it. And it comes as such a shock, that it almost knocks you off your feet. And you realize, that you passed the test after all.

1 comment:

Awesome Abby said...

I'm proud of you, Beth, and it sounds as if brighter days are ahead for you. I'm praying so.