N is for.....

N is for news.. as in newsletter, as in.. here are a few letters. (it's a reach.. I know)

Dear Ned Flanders,
I'm sorry your wife is so ill, and also that you have diabetes and will not be staying in the little yellow house across the way. I'd like to say that I am going to miss you.. but not so much. See, you were a little too "Fr. Martin-y" for my likes.. right down to the stupid sandals. And that day that you showed up at our school and starting preaching about how "someone" loves you. Yah.. that was uncomfortable too. So I will wish you best of luck down in MA where you are from. And maybe our new neighbor pastor will be here soon. And just maybe, he will actually LIVE THERE. Oh, and here's a novel idea.. maybe he will take down the sheets on the windows and put up shades or something.
Best of luck,
The White House on the Corner


Dear Children,
I know we go through this several times a year, but I feel the need to write. I realize that school is almost over and you are feeling twitchy and ready to be done. Me too. Trust me on this. However, it doesn't mean that you can find yourself sitting in a chair outside the principal's office for kicking your classmate. Nor does it mean that you can just decide to have a sleepover and plan it out during recess an expect that when you tell me 10 minutes later I am going to jump for joy. I'm tired. And, in case you haven't noticed, maybe just a bit grouchy. Your bickering and foolishness..not helping the situation any. So let's just try and keep it together for the next 8 days, and we can all sleep late on the 22nd and rejoice. Until then, knock it the heck off!!!
Wearily,
Mom

Dear Mother Nature,
What the eff are you thinking?!?! Come on now. Did you once hear ME complain that it was too hot? Did I mention one time during those gorgeous few days that we had.. .... .... so long ago that I can't remember when it was... that I was really missing the rain and I hoped it would come back?! NO!!!! This is ridiculous. How about if you swing the jet stream south, and send our rain to FL. They are having fires. Fires are bad! We do not need more rains. Floods are bad too! I'm amazed that my sunflowers are growing. Cuz.. no sun! But my grass has never looked greener. And my shrubs are so high I am going to have to pay someone to cut them down to my usual height. But I can't take it anymore. I looked forward to sun and warmth all lousy winter long. You owe me!
Your soggy friend,
B

Dear Moron's that Shop in the Middle of the Day,
Stay home. I know I was shopping late today. I didn't have anywhere else to be. And also I'm exhausted. I needed to wake up on my own terms today. A little extra shut eye. Not be up so early to go do dumb things, like errands. So I got off to a late start. Here's a little advice. If you can't see well enough.. don't drive!!! Also, if you bring someone else with you, have them stand behind you in the market.. the isles are small enough as it is. Your cart and your spouse and his fat arse, not helping me get done any quicker. If you hit me with your cart and I give you a dirty look, wait until I've left to give me one back or maybe next time I'll just nail you in the next isle. And if you only need 6 things, and you get in line behind me, NOT IN THE EXPRESS, don't huff and get pissy because I am taking "too long" to check out. If you are in such a rush, don't shop. Or take your 6 damn things into another line. I was here first, and I have more than myself to shop for. And if you work in the checkout and decide to card me for buying beer, don't make it seem like such a hassle to ID me. It's your job. If the white hairs and the haggard lines under my eyes don't tell you that I need that beer, and am quite old enough, than maybe you need another job.
Disgruntely yours,
Me