Tuesday, June 06, 2006


I've resigned myself to the fact, that the only thing constant in my life, is that there is no consistency. Nothing ever stays the same. Just when I settle into something, and think I'd like to stay there a while.. the universe gives out a soft chuckle and BAM! I'm off to somewhere else. See, the thing that I've discovered about myself, that I didn't really know until this year.. is that I like consistency. I like knowing that, with some degree of variables, things will mostly stay the same. It's not that I hate change, I don't. I just don't like bouncing from one thing to the next to the next.

Each year, as we approach the final days of school.. and the class lists are made up for the next year, it becomes apparent where we will be lacking staff. This past year has been particularly rough on us, as we had one person quit over the summer, one person left before Christmas, another person left to have a baby and we lost yet someone else in early spring. Add to that, one of our ladies is leaving to be the Special Ed. teacher in another school (and I'm sad to see her go, we've become fast friends this year she's been with us) this fall, our half time person in the autism program is leaving, and shhhhhhhh.. don't tell..but another one of our staff is looking for a new job elsewhere. Oh, and did I mention another of the girls in the autism program is burnt out and has asked to be transferred out? Out of all those ladies we lost this year, one person has been hired to step in. No, I take that back. We had 2, one quit after a month.

If you can do math, and not that new fangled business we are learning now, simple arithmetic... you will figure out, as I did, that we are screwed come August 29th. The opening bell will ring that day, and we are going to be down quite a bit of people. I don't know what the boss man's plans for this mess are.. but it's hard to get people to replace lost staff. We've been here before.

The short and simple solution to some of the problem.. apparently lies with me. And y'all.. truth be told.. I wish I sucked at my job. I should be flattered, that each year I'm fought over, but for real.. I'm not. See, our fearless leader got this brilliant idea.. that somehow 1 person will be able to case manage 32 kids. Those 17 kids we see on a daily basis.. piece of cake. Because, don't ya know.. I'm going back to the Autism program. It seems that when you are good, and flexible, and do your job and everyone elses damn well.. you can be pulled to step in when the need is great.

I have a deep rooted fear, that my post from last year is going to be a reality again this year. This is not an easy position, and while I know that I can do it, and have done it before, and my rational brain knows that really it will be best for all involved, I felt like having a 2 year old's tantrum and kicking and stomping and yelling "I don't want to move!!!" But you'll remember my good friend who is having such a hard time this year in first grade.. she's going to take over my spot. Not exactly, but she's going to come in and help out with all those kids. It will be good for her, and deep in my heart I know that this is the only way to get her out of that room and into something better. She's important to me, and so I agree to the change, no matter how much unhappiness I harbor deep inside. My little friend from yesterday's post asked me today if I was going to be working with him again next year, and I didn't have the heart to tell him no. I asked him if he knew who his teacher was going to be next year, and he said he didn't know where he was going yet, and I told him neither did I and left it at that.

Yesterday, after I found out unofficially for sure, I was mad. I felt rotten and cranky and unhappy and sad and all sorts of things in the span of about 20 minutes. The more I've talked it out with the boy, and the more I've thought about how things need to be, the more OK I've become with the whole thing. Does this mean I'm happy? Not at all. But there is a difference between acceptance and conceding.. and we'll leave it at that. And so as we head into the last 11 days of school, and I begin to pack up my things and bring them home.. I will box them up with a sad heart, yet try and look forward to the fall with a better attitude. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

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