Sunday, June 04, 2006

I am....

Tired y'all. The kind of tired that seeps into your bones and drags you down faster than a rock tied around your ankle. We have 13 more days of school. Starting tomorrow, I will spend 8 hours over 4 of those 13 days doing testing. Let me clarify.. I won't be testing. Instead, I will be reading the test to students who's IEP's call for them to have tests read to them. And to top it off, the test is on the computer. In the bright fluorescent library. I checked to make sure I had enough eye drops to last. So in lieu of all the recent hullabaloo.. I give you this. Shamelessly stolen from Abby, but hey.. she challenged and I rose to the occasion. *photo is the view from my bench. Taken the middle of last week, before it started raining. (it just ended tonight.)*

I am.... A mother. A wife. A raving lunatic if I feel someone I love has been wronged. A bit dramatic sometimes. A little more passionate about somethings that I should be. A damned good friend.

I want.... To send my children off into the world as capable young adults who feel ready and able to take on the world. I want them to feel that they will be able to make it on their own. I want them to know that they have all the skills they need to do whatever it is that they desire, and also a place to fall back if it doesn't work out.
I hate.... Liars. Fakes. People who pretend to be something that they are not. People that only call if they need you. People who tell you what it is they think you want to hear instead of the truth.
I miss.... My mother. I miss feeling like I am part of a "family". I miss being in a room with the people who share my last name (maiden even) and everyone getting along.
I fear.... Failing. And more than that, I fear falling and not having the strength left to pick myself up and continue on.
I wonder.... How different my life would be had I chosen a different path to travel down. Yet, I am quite happy with where I have wandered too.
I regret.... Nothing. Honestly, there used to be somethings that I regretted, but with age comes wisdom and I realize now that I have no regrets.
I am not... Always happy. Nor am I always nice. I do my best, and apologize when I fall short of my own standards. I try hard. That is all you can ask of anyone.
I cry.... Because sometimes I feel so deeply that crying is the only physical way I have to show that. I cry when I am hurt, or sad, or overflowing with happiness, or laughing so hard my sides hurt. I cry when I have been insulted or had my feelings hurt. I cry, and I am not ashamed.
I need.... To be loved. I have a need to be shown that I am loved. I need to be appreciated, and made to feel important. I need a strong arm to hold me up when I feel like falling into a million pieces, and I need someone to be my rock, when everything around me is crazy.

I laugh often, and at inappropriate times. I sing, loud and even out of tune, every chance I get. I dream in the shower, and when I'm staring out the window. I talk too fast when I am mad or excited about something. I yell loud, when I feel something is important and people aren't paying attention to me. I spend too much time doing, and not enough time being. I snap at my children and then forget to apologize. I love, with every ounce of my being, hard and deep.

I am. And I will keep on being.


Awesome Abby said...

Awesome. I love to read what you write. It's better than a good book, even.

Carly said...

nice writing exercise. I need to do this one... but I am too tired now.



Julia Ann White said...

This was simply wonderful.

Lissa said...

Hmmm Beth... we share a name and a birth month... I'm wondering, are we twins?