Friday, May 12, 2006

L is for....

L is for Lesson's I've Learned.

1. You can't always get what you want....

My list of wants is a mile long. Mostly it consists of things that need to be done to my house. When we first bought our house we were all gung ho about things we could do and get done, and where to start. Our house needed a lot of work. We quickly realized that it was going to take more time and money than we had. And so we've been slowly chipping away at it for the past 4 and a half-ish years. Slooooooooooowly... it's getting there. I love my house. I love that it's a work in progress, as I enjoy the work. Different things have played out over the past few years and we've been able to get some work done that we never thought we'd be able to manage. I am grateful and humbled.

2. No matter how hard you try.. some people just suck.

That's just the way it is. There is this woman that I work with. She's a real insecure type person... and she likes everything done her way. Fine, I can appreciate that. She's also a bit controlling and a bit of a busy body. I had no problems with her until last year. Last year I ended up in "her room" for half a day because the class had major behavioral issues along with a ton of kids with IEP's and learning disabilities. Fine, no problem. For me. For her, it was huge. It was her teacher I was working with, her classroom..her responsibilities I was picking up, her craft projects she should've been planning. Major issues on her part. It was hard for me to be on the receiving end of that, because I didn't ask to be put there. But I was going to do a damn good job while I was there, because that's the kind of person I am. At the end of the year we had a thing... and I've stopped trying to to be nice to her since. Although throughout this year, I've made a bit of an effort to put forth my best face and be friendly with her. And every time I turn around she is trying to either take advantage of my niceness, or piss me off. Especially this week. Especially cuz I'm PMSing, and can't deal with her crap. Her last kid is leaving our school this year.. part of me secretly hopes she leaves with him.

3. I Can't Do It All.

That I have even typed that on this screen should strike some of you as a major accomplishment. It took me a long, long time to get to this point. I am not a control freak. But when you have to do it all, for so many years starting in your childhood.. you just get into that kind of routine. You do it all, because it's expected of you (or you think it is), or because if you don't.. no one else seems to step up to the plate and do it instead. So I would do it. And mostly it was OK. Mostly I didn't mind, and I did it. But sometimes I did. Sometimes it got to be too much, and I would lose my shit. And then people might help you a bit, and then slowly they would stop.. and mostly I wouldn't mind.. until I did. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Finally.. I stopped. I made up a list one day and posted it in the kitchen on the bulletin board. A job list for the whole week, broken down by day. It lists everyone's name, by age, and what jobs they are going to be responsible for that day. It's not exactly fair, as I still do a LOT more than everyone else.. but my load has been lightened, and other people are stepping up to the plate. And I've let go of expecting that anyone but me can do it my way. My new attitude is, something is better than nothing.

I've learned that it's OK to get angry. It is OK to cry in front of other people. It is OK if I am exhausted and don't feel like it.. whatever it is can wait. I've learned that I am a strong and wonderful person. I am worth something and dammit people like me. I've learned that despite what I might think, I don't look half bad and there is nothing wrong with that. I've learned that I can't expect other people to make me happy. I have to do it myself. I've learned that while I don't NEED other people, it sure helps to have a good support group. I've learned that I can overcome any hard horrible thing that life throws at me, because I already have. I am a survivor. I am a great mother and a darn good wife. I matter.

I might not have spring out my window... but I can have flowers on my porch. "Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness, never danced in the rain." Unknown.

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