Wednesday, December 08, 2010

In the Eye of the Beholder

December 8: Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights other people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different-you'll find they're what makes you beautiful. (author: Karen Walrond)

I put off answering this, because at first glance I thought the question was, 'what makes you beautiful?' and I don't feel beautiful, ever, so I wasn't sure what the heck I would write about.

It's not secret that I have a rather rocky past, and I learned, however wrongly, at a young age.. that people who complimented you usually had a hidden agenda. This has vastly effected my life in a lot of ways, and I have spent the better part of the past 2 years consciously working on being able to accept compliments from people without  disagreeing with them, or shrugging them off. Genuinely accepting them and being grateful for what was said. I don't doubt for a minute that The Boy™ thinks I am beautiful, but he very rarely verbalizes it. I don't know if it's because he assumes I just know, or he just doesn't think to ever say it.. but I very rarely ever hear it. Once in a while if I get dressed up for school, or a special occasion involving my friends, they will gush over how fantastic I look, and then he'll add a "you do look great" or what not, almost as if he thought it, and expected that I read his mind and just knew it.

Imagine then my surprise, after waiting all this time, and thinking about all of that, and what I would write, to discover that I actually missed the intention of the question. How am I different? What do I do that lights other people up? How on earth do I know and what I am I supposed to answer to this question?? I honestly don't know. I am a type A, oldest child with OCD tendencies and a battered past. I get cranky for no known reason, I have PTSD due to a major car accident and an apartment fire that happened 11 years ago, and I have two teenagers. That I can put a smile on my face and function some days is a huge effort that I don't always want to make. I don't really feel that I am any different than anyone else. I don't know what I do that makes others happy, or light up.... because I am who I am and I just go about doing what I've always done. Maybe what I should do, is email this prompt to my husband, and ask him for his take on it. If he answers, I'll post back later with an update.

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