Friday, December 24, 2010
The Long And Winding Road..
It might have been early in the year, sometime during the winter. I was standing at the front door, looking out towards the nut tree where my bird feeders hang, and watching the birds play in the snow. The Boy™ came up behind me and hugged me and put his chin on my shoulder. As I stood there in the quiet, I remembered back to where we had been a year earlier. How our relationship had been put through the ringer, and somehow, we managed to come out of it in one piece. Not whole, and certainly in need of some healing, but we had pulled through. As I stood there, I realized that as awful as it had been, and as hurt and miserable as I was during most of late 2008/early-mid 2009, right there with him was where I wanted to stay. Forever. That we could have been where we were, and I could still feel safe, and loved and home...right there in his arms, said everything I needed to know. The second half of 2009 our relationship was still shaky. We were trying to work through where we had been, and feelings (mine mostly) were still raw and vulnerable and while I was trying really hard, sometimes it was like walking on egg shells.
This year, 2010 has been a time for healing. A time for rediscovering who we are, on our own and together as a couple. A time for having meaningful conversations, and spending time together again, instead of just occupying the same space. Throughout this entire year, I have begun to feel whole again. When we were stuck in that hell, I felt like part of me was missing. Like someone had cut off my arm and I couldn't manage to make it work with just one. It hasn't been easy, and it has taken a lot of work, and a lot of conversation, and a rebuilding of trust. As tricky as it was to lose the money that The Boy™ was making at his contract job, it was one of the best things that happened for us. Also, one more person was hired to work under him, so he isn't having to do so much work on his own, and is working from home less. Even with me having to work all summer, I feel like the time we spend together is better. We are better. I, finally, am better. I can't wait for 2011.